Hidden Riches From Secret Places

A New Beginning

2012-01-09T20:51:00.003-05:00

A new year and a new start. Nothing better than a clean slate where we can begin again!!!! So sorry I’ve been missing in action for a while. I wasn’t feeling that well, and with all the doctor visits, tests, etc., I felt I lost my momentum with writing, thinking, commenting, etc. I’ve missed being here and visiting my favorite
Bloggy places. I’ll be catching up just as soon as I can.

The few places I have been have intrigued me with goals, resolutions, thoughts, and even chosen words for the coming year. It made me stop and think --- to think back over the past year and where it brought me from, and to think of where the road in front of me is heading. My first thought on New Year’s Day was a line in a song I love so much --- “Whatever my lot, it is well with my soul!” I’m a whiner at times. A complainer. A worrier. All of these seem to be strikes against what I call a strong faith and confidence in a God that I say I trust with my life and soul. Can I HONESTLY say in the darkest of times that “it is well with my soul?” I want to make that my goal for this coming year -- to grow into that kind of steadfast faith!

Which brings me to the thing about a “word” for this year. I’m so intrigued by that! I’m so wordy, and to boil something down into one word is almost impossible for me. But the word “STEADFAST” has been slamming me up against the wall for a while now. I don’t think I waver much in my faith, but I DO waver in my walk. Even as I typed that, I thought, if my walk isn’t right, isn’t that the evidence of my faith?????
I want to follow God’s words to Jeremiah : Thus says the LORD, "Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, Where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls. (Jer. 6:16)

The word, “steadfast” appears numerous times in Scripture, and has its roots in Greek where the roads were made of clay. As the chariots would go up and down these roads, ruts were formed, similar to the ruts of old country roads and driveways. The smoothest and safest way to travel these roads was to keep the wheels in the ruts. To remain steadfast would mean for us to stay in the ruts that have been formed by those who have gone before us, the good way, the ancient paths.

Years ago, I lived in the farm country of Virginia. The house sat on a hill, a ways off the main road. It was an old 1800’s home, and the driveway leading to this house was as old as the old farmhouse. The ruts had been dug out over the decades to where the fencing now stood higher than the roof of the car. And we all knew that the safest way to ride that driveway was to stay in the ruts!

I want to be known as a “steadfast” person --- someone who doesn’t quit, swerve, back up, or try new and questionable ways. And if I only move one step forward this whole year, I will have considered it a profitable and successful year.

Skaree Stuf (Gest post bi Buster)

2011-11-02T13:37:00.003-04:00

Mi mommee sed I cud rite this tuda -- ownlee becuz I convinzt her that I had sumtheeng portant tu sa.

I take good cayr of mi mommee. At leest, I do mi very best. I jus no wat is good and oh-kay, an wat is bad and not oh=kay.

Last week, theengs were NOT oh-kay. Furst, mommee found wet arownd big water dish in bathruum. I towld her I didn’t do it. She was veery crabbee. It got wurse wen she fownd big hole in ruuf ware parts uf
Tree fell. Now she is even moor crabbee -- but not at me, thank goodness.

Nyce gi called “ruufer” cums an tells mommee “big job!” Lots of monee. Mommee not happee camper but he pets me and sez I am good, so he seems oh-kay to me. Mommee sighs a lot, but says yes to new roof. Tels me no more gud-boi bonees for a long tyme beecuz nu roof costs lots. WHAT???? Foreget nu roof.

I thot she lisened tu me. But then, awl these men showed up. Mommee tride tu tel me they were buzzard cachers. They made lots of noyse up there. The furst day, it wasn’t too bad. But I was glad wen they went away.

On nex day, they cayme back. With shooters! Lotz of men with shooters! I tried to tell my mommie to take cuver beecuz we were under attak and Thayer waz nuthin I cud du.

That wuz the scaree part -- nuthin I cud du. I’m supposed to du stuf when scaree things cum r way -- lyke buzzards and furree things and red burds, and garbage truks. But theze men with shooters were on my hous and I cud no see them and they were shooting. I started shaking reely bad so my mommee tuk me aut syd ware I cud see the shooters.

Hey, folks out thare, learn it -- sumtymes, thare iz nuthin you can du. An you hav to hav a mommee wu noze itz oh-kay eeven tho it duznt seem oh-kay. She’s a prittee good mom!

Becoming

2011-10-17T15:02:00.005-04:00

Dear Lord,

Somehow, please help them to understand,
Because right now,
In all my confusion,
Disappointments,
And searching,
I don’t even
Understand
Myself.

Help them to understand
I’m struggling ---
And struggling hard ---
To find the answers ---
Your answers ---

To questions I don’t know
How to ask,
And sometimes,
I’m not even sure
I know the questions
Knawing at my soul.

Somehow, Lord, please help them to understand --
I want your best
For me
And those I love.
It seems right now
The things I thought
You chose as best
Are not;
Yet, still,
I cannot find
Just what it is
That will replace
My best with Yours.

Somehow, Lord, please, somehow --
There must be someone who understands;
Someone brave enough,
Someone who cares enough
To hug me and to say,
“I understand,
I’ve been there,
I’ll walk the road again
And see you through.”

Somehow, dear Lord, help me
To help them understand.
I’m so afraid
Of sharing all the depths
Of all that hurts,
Of all that doubts,
Of all that yearns and thirsts
For something more.
It hurts when those
Who do not care
Turn away from me
As if I were diseased.
Help them to understand
I need to struggle
And struggle hard
To become ---
Oh, Father,
To become what?

That’s it, Oh Lord,
That’s all they need to understand ---
I want no more
And be assured,
I want no less,
Than to become
Like YOU!

Not high,
Not mighty,
Not lofty,
Or above them;

Not more spiritual,
Not more wise,
Only more like You.

Help them to understand, dear Lord,
I need some time --
Time alone --
Yet,, not alone --
For oh, that they could know
How I yearn for their support
And love,
And yes,
Even an understanding tear.

I’ll do my best --
I have no other choice.
I’ve weighed my options,
Counted all the costs ---
And turning back ---
(back to what?) --
Is not one option
I cannot think about.
I’ll do my best
To learn the unlearned art
Of becoming. . .

Becoming patient
Of those who think
Pat answers always work.

Becoming loving
Of those who are unlovely.

Becoming compassionate
Of those who turn away.

Becoming lovely
And beautiful,
And endearing
To those who say
Unlovely things.

Becoming ---
Oh Father,
I never knew
It would be so hard
To become
Just a little more
Like You!

--Cora Eelman

Continuing counting my grace gifts. . . .

585. Sales on pork roasts, fish, veggies, and even my favorite bread.

586. Cooler weather after a long, hot summer.

587. Watching leaves lose their grip on their branch and slowly dance to the ground.

588. Birds who seem to know within seconds that I have filled their feeder.

589. A diet that works for me (Weight Watchers.)

590. Buster, who doesn't care if I'm fat as long as I'm happy and not crabby.

591. Sharing recipes with friends and finding encouragement and support.

Precious Jewels!

2011-09-26T10:04:00.002-04:00

Malachi 3:16-17a, Amplified Version~
Then those who feared the Lord talked often one to another; and the Lord listened and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before Him of those who reverenced and worshipfully feared the Lord and who thought on His name.
And they shall be Mine, says the Lord of hosts, in that day when I publicly recognize and openly declare them to be My jewels (My special possession, My peculiar treasure).

A few weeks ago, I lost my journal --- the one in which I kept a record of my thankful gratitudes I would see in the moment --- the one that Ann VosKamp had inspired me to start ---- the one that was changing my life, moment by moment. I thought I could just remember these wonderful things that came my way each day. I still saw them -- for a while --- but like children’s bubbles, they were soon gone with the breezes, and by Monday morning, I could not retrieve any of them. And even if there were a few, they seemed stale, like last week’s Italian loaf of bread. NOT postable. Not palatable. Maybe more like “yesterday’s manna”.

My friend, Debra, over at Sparrowgrass posted this verse this past week, and it struck me hard. The thought of the Lord bending His ear to listen to me as I talked with others around me, waiting to hear His name spoken with reverence and worship. And, if He DID hear His Name, He would write my name in a Book of Remembrance. I envisioned a sacred ceremony one day when He would open His book, His own personal journal filled with names of those who took the time to think of Him and His Name, and one by one, would call them out publicly and declare them to be His jewels.

Remember that song we used to sing as children?
“When He cometh, when He cometh To make up His jewels,
All His jewels, precious jewels,
His loved and His own.
Like the stars of the morning
His bright crown adorning,
They shall shine in their beauty,
Bright gems for His crown.

He will gather, He will gather
The gems for His kingdom,
All the pure ones, all the bright ones,
His loved and His own.
Like the stars of the morning
His bright crown adorning,
They shall shine in their beauty,
Bright gems for His crown.

Little children, little children,
Who love their Redeemer,
Are the jewels, precious jewels,
His loved and His own.

Like the stars of the morning
His bright crown adorning,
They shall shine in their beauty
, Bright gems for His crown.
Sing it with me today, won’t you? And as you do, think His Name -- perhaps one of His Names that is most precious to you! (You can turn off my music already playing if you scroll to the bottom and and hit the button. It should turn it off while you listen to Alison Kraus.)

Still counting my blessings and gratitudes:
567. That He is my Shepherd, providing all of what I need, leaving me with no wants.

568. That He is El Roi, the One who sees ME, knows me better than I know myself, and loves me just the same.

569. That He is El Elyon, the Most High One, far above all other gods, in control of all the worlds and universes, yet, still cares about ME and controls all that comes and goes into and out of my life.

570. That He is Jehovah Ropha, the Healer of all that is broken.
That He is El Shaddai -- The All sufficient One who supplies my every need.

571. That He is Jehovah-Jirah -- The One who will provide.

572. That whenever I whisper His name or scream it loudly, He bends His ear and listens.

573. That He never changes, and all that He says He is, He will always be.

574. That He never leaves me nor forsakes me, no matter what it is I am going through or where I am.

575. That all that He is is made available to me in the moment of my need.

576. That crab cakes made in a healthy, diet-friendly way can be so mouth-watering good!

577. That dinner with a friend can be just so much fun and full of fellowship and laughter!

578. That watching sycamore leaves turn a bronzy gold as they do their last dances in the fall breeze could bring back so many sweet memories.

579. Hearing the acorns hitting the shed roof and rolling slowly off to the ground. I imagine squirrels perking up their ears and knowing that a big job is ahead of them in hiding and burying their winter food stock!

580. Watching leaves dance their final performance as they slowly make their way to the ground.

581. Seeing the magic of moonbeams turn wet, soggy oak leaves into shimmery silver treasures on my sidewalk.

582. Smiling as Buster squints as cool raindrops hit his face. He has sensed my peacefulness in sitting out in the rain and sits patiently with me, wondering why this is a good thing.

583. Celebrating the baptism of a young teenager who is committed to following the Lord.

584. The privilege of worshipping with a recently saved biker gang member --- tatoos, ankle monitor and all. Seeing the love between pastor and biker, the hug, slap on the back, tears of joy shared between them ---- that’s all I needed for a Sunday morning worship.

Joining with Ann VosKamp and a community of so many others who are raising their voices of gratitude on Mondays. Click on the banner below to read others' lists:

The Practice of Hope

2011-09-21T16:48:00.000-04:00

It was just a small tree -- small enough to fit into her car. But it was perfect and I knew just where it would go. The best birthday presents are those that live on, and little did I know that this Sycamore tree would become my “Tree of Hope.”

It came in a big pot, tied to a stick that kept it straight and kept it from bending and breaking in the wind. It’s trunk was still small, bendable, and needed support. A few years before, an old oak tree had died, and I chose that place for this new, perky tree. And so, it was planted, stick still in place, with the hopes and dreams of someday seeing a large shade tree in my yard.

Hope has visions of what tomorrow looks like. The maturing of what is, the reality of our faith, the flowering of our buried seeds. And I knew what my Sycamore was to look like --- tall, wide, full of large leaves that would shade a hot summer yard. Hope works towards that end reality, watering, feeding, pruning, etc.

Storms came with wind and rain, sometimes gently, refreshing a thirsty plant, but sometimes violently, as if intentionally trying to break its spine and loose its roots from the ground. I wondered. . .and I hoped. But that stick remained strong and steadfast, keeping my tree in place through each and every storm. It grew taller, and that spindly trunk was now thick and strong.. . And I noticed that the supporting stick had broken away from the tree, its job finished and complete.

Shortly after this, a friend shared her fears as a young boy she had mentored and loved was about to make decisions that she felt were beyond his ability to make. She wondered if there had been more she could have taught him, had her love been enough, could he walk through this strong and unbending? I related the “stick story” to her, and told her she had been the supporting stick to her little “sapling”, and that he was now able to stand strong through the storms. And we stand back, and we wait . . . And we hope. . . With a hope that sees what tomorrow looks like.

Sometimes, between our hope as we plant our dreams and the fulfillment of our vision, a storm will come that seems to test us beyond what we feel we can bear. For me, it was breast cancer and all that goes with it.
Hope? At times it seemed hope was all I had to hold on to, and at other times, I wondered if my stick would hold me up. Chemo was a very strong storm, harsh and unrelenting. Six treatments, six rounds of nightmare material, six times wondering if I’d make it through. I remember looking out my window at my tree ----- my beautiful Sycamore tree ---- and I saw it suffering along with me. I had planted it much too close to my septic tank, and its roots were taking up the waste of my chemo! It’s leaves were curling, burnt brown all along the edges. Some fell, but most hung on, looking about as badly as I felt. Fall and winter came, the last of the leaves fell, and I wondered if my tree would survive and come back again. . .much how I felt about myself.

Spring came, as did the end of surgery and radiation. And then I saw it! Tiny little green buds all up and down the branches of my tree! And I knew we had made it together through the worst of storms. Today I see the fulfillment of my hope --- 2 ½ years since treatments ended and all is well. All is well for my tree, too, as those great big green leaves continually dance in the breeze. It’s fall now, and I’m seeing some bronze leaves as they finish their summer life. But they see me sad and call out to me, “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.” Psalm 43:5

And so I wait yet again and expectantly wait for yet another spring. . .

Joining up with Ann on this “Walk With Him” Wednesday:

Stones of Remembrance

2011-09-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

It was 1982. Not the best of years for me. It seemed that my life was falling apart and I had no idea which direction to go. After spending some time in Virginia, I moved back to Florida, the one place I had a home to come to, and I started over ----- again. I had no job, so I took a part time newspaper route. It’s the perfect job for hermits and loners. I could be alone, out in the wee hours of the morning, no one bothering me, no dress code, just me, my papers, and my van.

Perhaps it was seeing my Dad so sick with cancer shortly before moving, or maybe the emptiness of my own soul, or a combination of both. I knew that in my moving that I would probably not see him again and that hit home. Not that we had ever been close and “cozy,” but I loved him, hated to see him suffer, and I felt sad for all that had NOT been there between us. My father’s faith had never wavered through his illness --- it only grew deeper and stronger. And somewhere in the deepest abyss of my soul I knew I was so far from whatever it was he had ---- I might as well have been keeping company with the prodigal son in the pig pen!

It “just so happened” (some would say this, but I believe the Lord makes these things happen) that someone from my way-back past popped up and suggested I read a book, the name of which I just can’t
remember. How can that be????? But I remember that the gist of the whole thing had to do with opening doors of your heart, as you would the doors of your home, and dealing with one room at a time. The only trouble was, you just kept finding more and more doors. And it became a lifetime of “cleaning house.” But one room and only ONE at a time.

As I was delivering those newspapers one night, I was thinking of all the upside-down stuff in my life, all the crazy choices I had made, dreams that turned into nightmares, faith that turned out to be so weak that I wondered if there was any at all, and a tomorrow with no plan or vision or promise. Several hours before, there had been a storm. The tide had been higher than normal and what I did NOT know was that the waters of the Gulf of Mexico had come up over the road, then receded, but left muddy, slippery seaweed on the pavement. So here I come at three o’clock in the morning, and my van full of newspapers slides uncontrollably off the road and into the Gulf. I was able to climb out unhurt, and I just started walking. I had no idea where the nearest phone would be (this was LONG before cell phones), but on that walk, I prayed. I asked the Lord if there was ANYTHING at all left for my life. It just seemed so dark, useless and yes, wet, at that moment. It seemed that I walked forever, but suddenly a verse that I had memorized years and years before came into my thoughts --- Phil. 1:6 -- “He that hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ.” I said it over and over and over. And somehow, I knew. He had not lost me, had not let me go, had always known where I was.

So much happens in those sacred moments. Soul washing, heart cleansing, reuniting with a Heavenly Father, and a burden lifting type of peace! And I stooped down and picked up a stone. I wanted something from that place. . . That place of new beginnings.

I still have that stone, along with many others that I have picked up along the way since that night. Each one has a verse that I clung to at a particular time of significance on my journey. Since my Pastor is teaching in the book of Joshua and spent one evening talking about the crossing of the River Jordan and how Joshua had one man from each tribe pick up a stone from the middle of the river as stones of remembrance, I have been thinking of my own stones. Remembering where we’ve been somehow helps me to know where I’m going. His ways don’t change, there is no shadow of turning, He is faithful to His Word, and He is always there! I need to continue to pick up more stones. . . .!

When Giving is Receiving

2011-09-09T20:47:00.000-04:00

Some days move along smoothly with no upsets, surprises, or trip-ups. Most of my days are like that. I seem to move in a steady pace, doing what needs to be done, and ending the day wondering where it went!

But today was different. Yesterday, I stopped for some veggies at the stand on the corner, and I was thinking of a gal at church who has been on our prayer list. She is desparately looking for a job, and has been for some time. I knew (you know how you just know???!!!) that this HAD to be tough with two kids. So I got some extra stuff while I was there and headed over to her place.

I was met by a young teen boy who invited me in, offered me a seat and told me that "Momma" would be home shortly and did I want to stay. I needed to go, so he walked me out to the car, carrying on the sweetest conversation. As I got into my car, he asked me my name and said he would let her know that I had been there. I was drawn by him.

Her house was small and rustic --- maybe better called a cottage. Huge oaks shaded everything, and I loved the vines, flowers, trellises, archways, etc. It was such a peaceful place to be.

I wanted to speak with her and find out if there was anything she needed help with, so I went back this evening. Little did I know. . . .

It was ME who would be blessed beyond measure!!!! Beyond anything I could give, this woman gave me more. We talked about God's care and blessings, and I told her how He has brought me through cancer and chemo and supplied my every need. She then told me that she has been battling brain cancer for 25 years now, taking chemo all this time. She is on an experimental program with the Marines. I looked at her, and I thought about myself, "And YOU thought YOU had it bad!" I just grabbed her and hugged her. I couldn't help it.

I saw joy in her eyes, and peace. And as she spoke, faith oozed out all over the place. She told me how she built her home by herself, how she took in the two children, and how she had to build on bedrooms if she wanted to keep them. She told me of being in the Marines, an expert dog trainer (BUSTER, watch out!!!!), and how she took care of her Mom and Dad through long illnesses.

I drove out the long driveway, paused before pulling into the road, and I just sighed a HUGE sigh. Where had I just been???!!!! I thought I was going to find out how I could help someone, and I never even asked the question! Instead, someone ministered to me and lifted me up. Instead, I met someone who is content, happy, and at peace with very little in life.
Instead, I met someone who gives, and gives, and gives of herself for others.

I think I met someone who knows A WHOLE LOT about Calvary Love! Someone I want to get to know better. Someone I want to be more like.

Where's the WOW!???

2011-08-29T16:15:00.006-04:00

Several times during the past months, I have heard my friend, Marty, burst with a great big “WOW!” I’d raise my head in surprise and look at his face, and sure enough -- “WOW!” was written all over him. It was real and genuinely expressed ---- and I was jealous.

I was born in church (not really!!!) and I can’t remember ever missing being there when the doors were unlocked. I think I had 17 bars of Sunday School pins when I was 17 years old --- perfect attendance! Youth Groups, Junior church, big church, Pioneer Girls, Youth Choir, Big Choir, Wednesday night prayer meeting, Evening services, etc., etc. I think I always knew that God loved me ---- the first Bible verse I remember learning was, “We love Him because He first loved us.” So I learned a lot during all those years.
I heard it over and over and over and over. . . . In a million different ways, different presentations, different people, different lessons.

I went on to Bible School. More of the same, only a little deeper, more concentrated, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Now. . . Here I am in my early 60’s. I recently started attending a church where there are many new Christians. Not only are they young in their faith, but all of this “stuff” is brand new to them. One told me that she had no idea what they were talking about when they told her she needed “A Savior.” She had no inclination of what that meant. She said, “Saved from WHAT?” All the words that we are a part of our Christian “language” were new and foreign and strange to her. Grasping the concepts of the sin of man, a Savior, redemption, the cross, etc. just baffled her and said that there ought to be “beginner classes” for those who come into the church unlearned and new.

It’s been a real eye-opener for me, but at the same time, the most refreshing thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve wondered how many times I have said things that perhaps went right over the heads of those listening to me? I grew up in a time when most of us all went to church ---- Catholic, Jewish, and Christian --- that’s what we all were in my high school and we all went to our respective churches. I remember years later the shock that came over me when a teenager asked me, “Who was Jesus, anyways?” At that time, I thought everyone in the U.S.A. knew that answer. I definitely know better today.

For me, it has been such a blessing to watch new believers “get it!” And there is just a little, tiny piece of me that wishes I were in their shoes. I would like that “WOW!” feeling once in a while. Yes, I am grateful for all God gave me in my Christian upbringing. But having grown up in it all, taking it in little by little on a daily basis, somehow the wonder and awe and newness was just not there for me.

One of my prayers lately has been that the Lord would show me Himself in a new and “WOW!” way, and that Scriptures that have been memorized and repeated over and over all my life would become new and alive and real ---- just as they are to Marty.

How about you? Do you have any “WOW’s” ? I’d love to hear about them!

Read others who are participating in On Your Heart Tuesdays here:

Old Paths and Good Ways

2011-08-23T14:20:00.005-04:00

Several weeks ago, a friend invited me (or should I say, BUSTER) to go to the beach to share a playdate with her two dogs. All I could think was. . . . BUSTER?????? And ME??????? Out with real people and other dogs????? We talked it back and forth, and after finding no fight in me at all, I thought, what’s the worst that could happen??? We could just come home.

The day arrived, and it had been raining. The sky looked so threatening, but I put Buster’s gentle leader collar on, snapped on his leash, grabbed some towels, ice, water, etc., and out we went.

By the time we were all ready to jump into their car, it was starting to rain, but we decided to go anyway.
I was shocked at Buster’s good behavior with the other dogs. Amazing!!!!!

I loved the ride. It took me on a trip down memory lane ---- places of years ago, old haunts, good times, hard work, places of new beginnings, dreams, bad endings, and people involved in all the in-betweens. Add to that, I love rain, and I loved the conversation and getting to know new and wonderful friends.

The sky was still dark and threatening when we arrived at the beach, and the wind blew non stop, but it was perfect. No blazing sun, no hot sand, no squinting, no mosquitos, no panting and no sweat! Can’t beat that.
This doggy-friendly beach area was deserted except for our little party, and Buster found the walk to the water just full of wonderful sniffing places, and his nose would not stop! His head was high and his nose taking it all in. But to see his eyes when we reached the water ----- I wish I had remembered to take my camera. Up until now, the biggest body of water he has seen has been the little blue plastic kiddy pool in the back yard! Can you imagine what he thought of the Gulf????? And waves??????

I rolled up my pant legs, and began to tug on Buster’s leash, but he had anchored his feet deep in the sand.
But the next wave came up over his legs, and we were in. The other two doggy friends were swimmers and jumped right in, but Buster?????? No jumping in that stuff, no sitting, no swimming. I didn’t force it, and soon he relaxed a little and at least got his belly wet. What a chicken for a great big ooff of a dog!

The sea was restless, churning dark, and the waves were hitting hard and fast. The phrase, “troubled sea” took on a new look for me, as this was truly it. I stood there, trying to anchor my feet, just as Buster was,
But each wave took away the sand I had planted my feet in, and I felt myself losing my footing. Time after time, wave after wave, more sand washed away from around my feet, and I was sinking. I would have to move again and again. Buster heard the sea gulls and was watching them above him. They flapped their wings so hard, trying to fly against the wind, but seemed suspended in midair as they could not make any headway. I loved their soft, soprano harmony added to the beat set by the crashing waves and the melody of the wind.

If anyone could have seen my heart that day, it would have looked just like this storm tossed gulf beach. A “troubled sea” would aptly describe it. I had forgotten that feeling that comes when something crashes in, and my footing feels unsure, and I’m finding all the junk from the bottom of my heart churned up and causing me to trip over my own feet. Sand!!!. . . . . At that moment, I felt like my whole life was just sand. . . Something that was just washing out to sea at the will of a churning storm.

I looked behind me, and I saw how over time, about 3 feet of beautiful beach had been washed out to sea by these waves. There was a wall where the sea grass ended, where the waves had beat away inch by inch what had been. I saw it as “a line drawn in the sand” so to speak --- the place where the waves stopped and never crossed --- a dividing line between what is a sure foundation with roots and life and stuff that grows, and shifting sands that wash away with the slightest of storms. On one side, the storm nurtures and waters life, on the other side, the storm takes away to the bottom of the sea.

The dogs all had a great time, and so did we. I know I did. I loved watching Buster’s reaction to it all. We got ready to leave, put our shoes on, and found the path back to the car. This path was well worn, beat down by many, many years of people and their dogs. But step off that path and the sand spurs dig in like spears. Buster stopped dead in his tracks and lifted his paw and it was up to me to pull those suckers out!!!!
I wrapped the leash so it would be shorter and kept him on the path. This path twisted and turned a bit, but we knew it led to the parking lot and the car. It was the way we had come --- so it was the way back. Later, as I thought of it all, I was taken back to Jeremiah 6:16. A favorite of mine for years, but I had not thought of it in so long. . . . “Thus says the LORD: Stand in the ways and see, And ask for the old paths, where the good way is, And walk in it; Then you will find rest for your souls.”

We went home, dogs were dog tired, and it continued to rain. My heart still churned like the sea and for weeks I tripped in the sea weed of my soul and sunk in the sands of what I had previously thought were rock solid foundations of my faith.

Why I let all this happen to me, I don’t know. I knew better. I knew the “good way.” I knew the “old paths.” I had no business on that side of the line in the sand -- all I had to do was remain steadfast, stay in the ruts of the old paths and the good way and I would not be pierced by sharp sand spurs, I would not lose my way, and my footing would be safe and sure.

I needed a picture, a real life illustration. A day at the beach in the pouring rain with crazy dogs and two wonderful people who had no idea of what was going on in my heart.

Thank you Dan and Liz!

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Blue Haired Ladies with Casseroles

2011-07-31T17:04:00.001-04:00

It’s been more than 40 years ago now, since I received a call on Christmas morning. Someone close to me had just found her baby dead in his crib. Here was a healthy, beautiful, little boy, put down in his bed on Christmas Eve with a kiss, all his little presents wrapped and under the tree downstairs. And a little family goes to bed with all the hopes, dreams and expectations of a long life together ---- at the very least, an expectation of a tomorrow.

But “tomorrow” as they knew it should be never came. In the stillness of that Christmas Eve, angels had come in silence and taken this baby Home.

I can’t know that pain or understand the agony of a parent’s soul. I’m not a mother. I watch from afar and wonder why. For all these years, I’ve wondered why, to some degree. I’ve learned that God ways are beyond our understanding at times, and to give someone the baby they longed for and then take it back just seems . . . . Well, incomprehensible!

Yet, He whispers, “Trust Me!”

People have what they would like to call “answers,” and they don’t ask if you want to hear them --- they seem to have a need to spew them at you. And they are all wrong. All hurtful. All soul killers. Little old ladies with blue hair and casseroles --- and “answers.” They are worse than Job’s friends. They don’t even sit in silence. “If you had been a better Christian, this would not have happened to you.” “If you had come to church more. . .,” “You’d better get your life right with God or He will take your other son, too.” And on it goes, the cutting into an already shattered heart, no one with arms that comfort or words that mourn.

Yet, He whispers, “Trust Me!”

Could it possibly be that this could happen again? How could her heart, so full of hope and love again, find the strength to beat in the loss of another? Where do thoughts go, where do anchors catch hold, and how many bottles will it take to catch the tears??? Does God care? And the ultimate question surfaces: “Do babies that die go to Heaven?” Don’t ever ask because the risk of what you will hear is more than a heart can bare!

Yet, He whispers, “Trust Me!”

I was in shock, speechless, with no words and no understanding. I had nothing to offer. All my years of “church” were swimming in the toilet, drowning with hollow answers that I dared not say nor did I believe.
My years of Bible School never addressed anything as “real life” as this. But somewhere in the depths of my soul I knew that the character of God was better than . . . Blue haired ladies with casseroles! He HAD to be! But a gut feeling and nice thoughts are not enough, can be shot through with a few dull doubts, and on a bad day, won’t hold even single tear.

And so I began to search --- not so much as a definite project or Bible Study --- but snatching puzzle pieces, as it were, and fitting them into the shattered frame of a baby’s death. A verse here, a passage there, something about God’s character, His work . . . And His love and grace -- all “Hidden riches from secret places” set out for me to find.

One of the most helpful things for me was a Bible Study about the Names of God called, “Lord, I want to know You.” That He is called, El Elyon, the most high God in control of all things -- whether it be a sparrow that falls, a baby that dies, kings and rulers, or the stars in the skies --- HE is in control. That He is called El Roi -- the God who sees all things, sees the unfairness and hurts and unjustness and makes a way through the desserts and wilderness wanderings for those who suffer. That He is a tender shepherd who carries His lambs and cares for their every need. That His banner over us is Love. And on and on and on it went until yes, I did know and understand His character more and more through His names.

And still, He whispers, “Trust Me!”

I then read in II Samuel 12 about David and when his infant son died. And David cries out that he will someday go and be with his son. I sat up straight on that one! I had not read that before, or at least, not since. . … .

Other instances --- the fact that God stopped the killing of Isaac as Abraham lifted the knife on the alter of sacrifice. The fact that God told His people they would not enter the Promised Land due to their unbelief but rather, would wander in the wilderness until the last of them had died ---- except for the children --- they would not pay for the sin of unbelief of their fathers.

But I think it was the understanding of Romans 1:20-21 that confirmed my first beliefs. I already understood that those who have deliberately disobeyed the gospel by refusing to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ would go to hell (2 Thess. 1:8-9). But what about those who have never heard, those we call “heathen?” The passage in Romans tells us they are condemned for rejecting the lesser revelation that God has given to them. An infant would be incapable of rejecting or receiving this lesser revelation.

When I stand at the foot of the cross, I see the heart of God, and hear “Even so it is not the will of your Father, who is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.” (Matt 18:14).

And still, He says, “Trust me!”

Some don’t need all the verses and understanding. I wish I were like that --- to just have a simple trust that the arrows can’t reach. Maybe you have had doubts, or arrows shot into your heart, and you have had questions that you dared not ask for fear of the answers. Perhaps you know someone who has suffered tragic losses. If you do, tuck these verses away somewhere and when the time if right, offer them gently.
Don’t be one of those little old ladies with blue hair and a casserole!!!!!

And believe me, you can trust Him!

Beginning Again -- for the 756th time!

2011-07-25T10:28:00.004-04:00

It’s been just about two years since my oncologist gingerly approached the subject saying, “Have you ever thought about a diet?” You just don’t know, Dr. Happy, that diet has been the number one, central thought of my life since high school!!!! And now, since that awkward day two years ago, he has made my life just plain old miserable. There hasn’t been a single moment of my life where I am not bargaining, “I’ll start again tomorrow,” giving up, starting again, crabby at the grocery store, crabby at what I cook --- crabby if it’s diet because I don’t like it, crabby if it’s NOT diet because I’m off the diet. There’s no happy here. Two years of no happy, no progress, no nothing.

I have lost some, don’t get me wrong. When I began my cancer journey, I was sooooooo heavy, and I managed to lose about 40 pounds during that time. And in the past two years, I’ve lost about another 50. Not too bad sounding when you look at it like that. But I need to lose about another 100!!!!! And the past 6 months have been a total standstill, in fact, I’ve gained a few and it’s got me scared.

So here I am, beginning again. For the 756th time of my life. My doctor highly recommended the Weight Watcher’s plan. Since I am such a hermit, I did join the online program just to check out the plan, get an idea of what the point system was, etc. I’m a little leery about the “all you can eat veggies and fruit” thing, but the rest seems doable for me. I’ve been sticking to this now since Tuesday, and so far, 3 pounds have come off. It’s something!

Why does this have to be such a hassle for me? Food addictions are so hard, because we just have to eat, don’t we? And it’s sooooooo “acceptable” in society. No one hauls you off to rehab because you overate and went off your diet. The police don’t bust you for filling your grocery cart with all the wrong stuff. And people would NEVER think of agreeing with you if you complained about being fat and needing to lose weight. Yet, I think I struggle as much as any addict does with alcohol or drugs. I have all my bargaining chips, excuses, hiding places, etc.

And so. . . . I fell. . . But I get up again . . . And again. . . And again!!!!! And I put one foot in front of the other and look at the top of my mountain and plug on forward.

My house of overflowing with all the right foods and Buster is sooooooo worried. I’m licking my own plate clean and growling back when he asks for a bite. He knows. . . . . . He just knows there will be NO PIZZA BONES (the crusts) in his futue for a long while!!!!

558. A great selection of diet foods in the grocery store.

559. Lots of fresh veggies.

560. Ideas on how to cook this stuff.

561. Friends who don’t judge -- just encourage!

562. A group who listened to me and admitted that they did not understand that a food addiction could be so hard.

563. A God who always picks me up, sets my feet on a rock, and establishes my goings ---- AGAIN!

564. A Pastor who gives his all. . . And more. . . In spite of failing health.

565. Buster --- I just love this guy!!!! I realized how much yesterday when he started sneezing --- sooooo hard. Violent sneezes that wouldn’t stop for hours and hours, until he was sneezing blood. I was so worried and just held him and loved on him. He’s ok today.

566. Finding a check in the mail. Almost threw it out as I thought it was junk mail. I was reimbursed for that bra and boob!!! Thank you, Lord, for making something right that was just not right!

Joining with so many others in finding thanks and gratitude in the moments of living:

I Love You, Aunt Jo!

2011-07-20T12:18:00.001-04:00

I was eight years old, and I sat on the steps of her home. I told her that I had learned a new song in school that day -- “Do you want to hear it?” I asked. “Of course!” she said, and I began to sing.

“ This is my Father's world, and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father's world: I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.

2. This is my Father's world, the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white, declare their maker's praise.
This is my Father's world: he shines in all that's fair;
in the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.

3. This is my Father's world. O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world: why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

I was attending a Christian school at the time, and this was the song we had learned. And as I sang this to my Aunt Jo, she cried. She hugged me tight and said it was beautiful. But I think her tears went deeper than the song or me singing it --- you see, her sister (my Mom) had just died suddenly, leaving me and my four brothers and sisters motherless, and she was left without her sister. How painful this moment must have been for her! I never forgot it. And this was 56 years ago.

Aunt Jo was special. If I loved anyone through my early childhood, it was this happy woman. She loved us kids, and made each one of us feel special, “one of a kind,” and loved. She listened, was compassionate, caring, and I always felt safe with her. I will always remember how she washed my hair --- tenderly making sure the soap did not get in my eyes, checking the water temperature to make sure it wasn’t too hot or cold, etc. I felt so special.

Life went on, and my Dad eventually remarried. Family happenings caused us all to drift apart, and I didn’t see my Aunt Jo for years and years. I missed her terribly. It wasn’t until I was an adult that we connected again, and I will never forget that hug. She hugged me so tight, and even now I feel that heart connection that I had as a little girl.

This dear lady died suddenly today. I feel like an orphan. Though we did not talk to each other much or see each other often, the memories of childhood kept her close in my heart. I clung to those memories for years and years as one of the few good things I had been given. Why didn’t I call her yesterday? Or last week? Or last month? Why didn’t I find the time to say thank you?

Getting it Right

2011-07-19T12:43:00.001-04:00

Keeping secrets can be the hardest thing in the world to do, especially when you are a child. But when fear is attached to that secret, and threats hang like thunder clouds over your head, it comes much easier. And as time passes, the winds of time blow more and more dirt and sand over things to where nothing can be seen.
And we think it no longer matters. It’s past. Long past. . . Until someone comes with a shovel and begins digging right where we buried the secrets!

It was a Saturday night, the end of a week of evangelistic meetings in our church, and this was Youth Night. As a group of young people, we all sat together just as we always did. We grew up together since cradle roll. We were all friends. The music was great and we sang lively songs for that time period of the early 60’s. And then came the message of the evening. The speaker gave a message about purity and God’s standards for our lives concerning sex and marriage. It led up to an invitation that would change my life forever, something that God never meant to happen, I’m sure. I will never forget that horrible night as long as I live. Even now, I can feel that nervous stomach, that lump in my throat, the hot eyes, the quivering of my lips. I hoped no one noticed. The man in the suit with arms outstretched begged each of us to come forward and promise before God and those present in the audience that we would remain pure for the one we would one day marry. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want their teenager to hear that and respond????

I stood there and in those few moments of decision making, my life flashed in front of me. As quick as a flash of lightening, that covered grave of secrets burst forth, up in my face, and I knew I could never make that promise to God. I had never heard about abuse, never heard it spoken. I was sure that this had happened only to ME! I only knew I was unclean, impure, used, and dirty. Could I just stand there and say no while everyone else went to the front of the church and said yes? I found my way. I thought it was God giving me an escape. I COULD make the promise -- all I had to do was promise God I would never get married, and that way I would never mess up any nice Christian guy’s life. And so there I was, in all my mistaken understanding of who God was, making a life decision in secret between me and Him. And I’m sure Satan himself smiled!

For years and years I kept that secret. No one ever knew and surely I would never tell. But there is something so precious and amazing in how the Lord works to make sure one day we just get it right. We don’t hear with our ears --- or even our hearts at times. Most of the time, what we hear is filtered through the experiences of our lives, and we interpret things to fit where we have been, what has been done to us, who we know, what we have been taught by parents and teachers and peers. If it doesn’t fit just right, we don’t hear it.

But then it happens. And the Lord takes me by surprise. One day, as I was sitting in church, we were singing the song, “My Hope is Built on Nothing Less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.” I think I knew that song all my life. I didn’t need the hymnbook --- I knew all the words to all the verses. So there I stood, singing away, when all of a sudden the words to that verse hit me like a spear through my heart: “Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless I stand before the throne.” Could that be??? Could that POSSIBLY be???

My pastor at the time was doing a series of messages called, “On These We Stand.” He did a wonderful job on going through the main doctrines of salvation, justification, sanctification, etc. But I will never forget that same day, he spoke on how we stood before God and how He saw us as perfect. Dressed in white. Pure. All because of Calvary. I knew that. But why didn’t I KNOW that????

Do you know what that means to a little girl who thinks she’s dirty, unclean, used, and broken??? The little girl who wondered if the angels were watching? The same little girl who stared at the mural on the wall of the cross that bridged the chasm of sin and Hell? I had carried a burden of untruth for so long that I was never meant to carry. Since that day, my whole life changed as I saw God -- not as my stern, strict judge, but rather as my loving, compassionate Father who loves me and sees me perfect. Isn’t that the most amazing thing???!!!! Even more amazing is what it cost Him. To think that price paid was His only Son, just so I could wear a spotless robe of white. . . Thank you, Father!

A celebration of Gifts

2011-07-18T15:27:00.001-04:00

543. Experiencing music in a new way. Went to an “open mike” night at a church in my area, and the music was so good. One group had worship dancers that were just excellent. I have not seen this before and loved it.

544. Great fellowship with friends as we enjoyed the music together.

545. A triple-chocolate overloaded Blizzard from Dairy Queen. I just know there will be Dairy Queens in Heaven!

546. A Birthday. Just passing another birthday seems like a milestone. Three years ago, I wondered if I would ever see another birthday. Somehow, they seem a little more special than they ever did before.

547. A birthday dinner at Applebee’s. Sister and a special friend made it so great!

548. A Kindle from my Sister. My mind is making a list a mile long of all that I want to read.

549. A surprise in church last night. “My Guy” sang a song so special to me. Sis got him into this covert operation of getting the pastor, his wife, the drummer and the keyboard guy to sing “God of the Mountain” -- a song that just meant everything to me during my cancer journey. It caught me by surprise and the tears
Just flowed. I’m not one who cries easily, but last night I sobbed.

550. Tiny birds at my feeder. So many little ones with high-pitched voices and fluttery wings waiting to be fed.

551. Oatmeal. Why do I love that sticky, pastey stuff??? A little butter, brown sugar, and I’m good to go!

552. Pork Roasts on sale BOGO. I couldn’t resist. I had one before, and it was just too good. I hate to admit this, but there are now eight of them in my freezer!!!

553. Green peppers still going strong in the garden.

554. Watching vultures get soaked in a rain storm. Is that being thankful or vindictive???? They were all in a large, dead tree as it poured down rain. I was so praying that the Lord would send lightening and strike that tree!!!!! At least it kept me entertained for a few minutes as I watched them dripping wet with their wings spread like umbrellas.

555. People who ask me hard questions and make me think deeper than I have dared to go in a long time.

556. That God has the answers to hard questions.

557. That He doesn’t mind us asking Him.

You can find so many others who are counting their gifts with Ann VosKamp here:

Are You Shaved?

2011-07-11T17:06:00.002-04:00

During that summer of playing on swings in Mrs. Gravendyk’s back yard, my sister and I met a strange man. Strange to US, anyways. We would bound up those big steps and run down the walk and up the slate steps of the big, wrap-around porch. And there he was. Not just once or twice ---- but every single time we arrived, he was coming out of the big double doors with the oval, glass window panes. Maybe he had breakfast there, or was just passing time, I don’t know, but it seemed that we just couldn’t avoid him. We soon found out that he was waiting for the bus which would take him into New York City. Every single time, he told us the same story: How God had called him to tell the Jewish people of New York City about Jesus and that He was their Messiah, along with a whole lot of other “blah-blah-blah” that made no sense to a 9 and a 7 year old. Then he would show us the tracts that overflowed out of his pockets and explained how he gave them out. We would stand there politely, looking at our feet, saying “uh-huh”, wishing we were a million miles away . . . Because we knew what was coming!!! He would always end his speech with a big, booming, “ARE YOU SHAVED?????” (yes, it sounded like “shaved” but we knew he meant “saved) with piercing eyes, pointy fingers, wrinkled forehead, etc.

I think we would mutter “yes” or something, but I KNOW mine was never very convincing to him. It couldn’t have been. I knew I wasn’t good enough, clean enough, important enough for God to save me. But he would leave, catch his bus, and we were free to play on the swing. All I wanted was to get inside that house and look at the mural on the wall --- the cross that led to the city of gold and the angels that protected those crossing over.

I wish I had a recording of that man’s voice. To this day, if I were to ask my sister, “ARE YOU SHAVED????” in that . . . . Voice . . . . She would know beyond the shadow of a doubt who I was talking about. We never forgot him. I wonder why???!!!!! He was probably the first who personally confronted me about my soul. Maybe not the best presentation for a 9 year old to hear, but convicting and soul-piercing, nonetheless. Now that I think of it, up until this point, not one person had ever cared to ask me. Parents, family, Sunday School teachers, Christian School teachers, Youth leaders, Pastor, etc. NO ONE ever once asked me personally if I knew Jesus as my Savior. Yes, I knew the way of salvation as it was explained many times in group settings. And yes, later I DID make that decision to accept Him.

During the past few days, I’ve thought a lot about this odd man and the lasting impressions and memories he had on my life. No matter when I hear of a ministry or of anyone who shares their faith with a Jewish person, I think of him. No matter when I’m asked if I’m a Christian or if I’m saved, I hear his booming voice asking that embarrassed, uncomfortable little girl the same question. No matter when I find myself in the position of presenting the way of salvation, I DEFINITELY think of him, and have better ways of presenting God’s gift of salvation than he did. But. . . . . . It still all boiled down to. . . .

“ARE YOU SHAVED????”

Always Thank you! -- Always!

2011-07-11T14:09:00.003-04:00

528. That the sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.

529. That leaves glisten and shine like new when washed.

530. How Buster wants to share my pillow with me at night.

531. How his tail starts flopping when I whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

532. How his lip wrinkles up on one side if I point something at him.

533. How he chews on a raisen for ever and ever -- then spits it out.

534. That my washing machine just keeps on going and going and going. . . I just
love hearing that buzzer when another load is done.

535. Ditto with the dryer!!!!

536. That the smell of a barbecue pork roast in the crock pot can make a home smell like Heaven's kitchen!

537. That in writing down the stories of my life, I have seen God's hand of protection and guidance -- even when I thought He was not there.

538. That even though I doubt myself and listen to untrue voices learned from my past, God's voice is louder still and filled with encouragement and love.

539. That He is there, even when I'm sure He isn't.

540. That He cares, even when I'm sure He doesn't.

541. That He has a plan, even when I'm sure I don't.

542. That Verizon connected me to the internet again just so I could post this.

Joining in with hundreds of others as we count our blessings every moment of every day:

Angels and Kool-Aid

2011-07-06T09:44:00.003-04:00

She was a slender, tall, older lady with a big smile and immediately welcomed us into her home. We were standing on the porch, looking through the glass double doors of the great big house. Her wavy, gray hair was pulled back into some kind of twist in the back, and there was a sparkle in her eyes that drew me in. Her accent was Dutch, and there was a sing-songy way in which she spoke. She had a gold tooth which sparkled when she smiled. Her dress was always long and flowing, covered by an apron with a big bow tied in the back. She stepped out onto the porch where we were standing, bent down to where she could look straight into our eyes, gave us each a hug and welcomed us. It was genuine. I could just feel it. And I liked her immediately. I was about 9 years old. And I needed someone to like.

Mrs. Gravendyk was her name. She and her husband lived in a big, old Victorian home and had started a house church there. And I was there for Vacation Bible School --- about the third one of the summer that I had been sent to. My younger sister came with me, along with a few other neighborhood friends. The house was set back, giving room to a big front yard. A few steps led from the city sidewalk up to the walk leading to the house. A huge wrap-around porch with a white railing graced the front of the house. Big, heavy slabs of slate made the steps up to the porch interesting and inviting. It was here we waited each day for Mrs Gravendyk to open the doors. 9:00 am. No sooner. No later.

The meetings were held in the basement of the home, so down the steep, narrow steps we went. There were several rooms divided off, and one had lots of little chairs, a piano, and a flannel graph board all set up and ready to go. Pipes ran along the ceilings, and someone had already attached strings to these pipes. I felt important when I found a string with my name on it. Mrs. Gravendyke came over, put her arm around me and told me that I had “caught” 5 fishes for my string as I had brought with me 5 people. I felt sooooo important! The theme of the week was “Fishers of Men.”

I loved it there. I loved the new songs I learned. ( Of course, we sang, “I will make you Fishers of Men“ at least once every day ---- with all the hand motions!) I loved Mrs. Gravendyk’s enthusiasm as she played the piano and sang. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone play “The Assurance March” like she could! I loved her Kool-aid and cookies, the little crafts we made and the way she told stories. But most of all, I loved the little church --- the sanctuary that I had supposed was once a large library or living room. I stood in awe of what I saw there, and I’ll never forget it as long as I live.

Mr. Gravendyk was an artist and painted murals on the walls of this home. All of them portayed some Bible scene. The one in the sanctuary was my favorite. There were two cliffs divided by a very deep cavern. But stretched across this cavern was a cross. And there were all these little people walking on this cross across the cavern to the side that portrayed the city in gold. There were angels protecting those who were making the crossing. I don’t remember much of what went on when we went into that sanctuary. I was taken by the mural on the wall.

Vacation Bible School came and went, but my sister and I continued to visit with this unique old lady. She gave us permission to play in her huge back yard. All that was there was a tire hanging from a thick rope and we would swing for hours on that thing.

And then, like clockwork, she would come with a few glasses, a pitcher of Kool-aid and some cookies, and we sat on her steps and enjoyed her company and treats. Sometimes we would go inside. And she always let us see the murals.

I felt safe there. There is no other word to describe it. Perhaps it was the ONLY place during that period of my life where I did feel safe. In the darkest of nights, when I closed my eyes so tightly, I saw that cross, and the shiny gold city, and the angels -- and I wished that just one had been there for me.

We moved away shortly after this summer of tire swings and Vacation Bible school. But I never forgot Mrs. Gravendyk. Angels? Perhaps it was this very lady who was sent for such a brief time to add a little light and safety to my steps. I know one thing: Every time I sang the song, “The way of the cross leads home,” I could see that painting on the wall, and I thought of one little old Dutch lady who was faithful to her Lord with Kool aid and cookies.

It's All In A Name

2011-06-29T14:27:00.002-04:00

I was the middle child of five -- a brother and sister older, and a brother and sister younger - right smack-dab in the middle. What do they say about middle children???? We are peace makers, good listeners, see both sides, hate turmoil, get lost in the crowd, make good baby sitters, etc., etc. We have nothing that we can call our own --- it’s either handed down to us or it’s taken from us and given to the next one down. We share bedrooms. We are either being taken care of or taking care of someone else. All of these things describe ME. And a little of all these things are still there.

I look at pictures of the 5 of us and I think of a litter of puppies. A few bigger, a few smaller, but you just knew we belonged together in the same doghouse, in the same backyard, on the same street. There on the couch sit three girls with the same haircut, the same dresses, the same shoes, and the same socks. Everything the same --- except the sizes. The up side? I knew I belonged somewhere. The down side? I was just number three.

It even spilled over into my name. I hated my name, and I still do. Typing it here is even hard --- CORNELIA. There. I did it, but didn’t like it one bit. For one thing, it isn’t one of the modern, feminine, trendy names like girls had back in the 50’s. My friends were named Candy, Susan, Nancy, Judy, and other “normal” things. Secondly, I was once again just one of three. Both grandmothers on either side were “Cornelia” so it wasn’t even an original pick. The worst thing of all was when I looked up the meaning of my name. My interpretation was, “Old Maid.” The book said, “Maiden of God,” but since I was single and not liking it, I took this as my predestined confirmation of my marital status in life.

Such big problems for a 5 year old facing kindergarten, aren’t they? Yet, I can still remember worrying about what they would call me --- Cora or Cornelia????? Both were terrible, but please, NOT Cornelia! My poor grandmother was so hurt by this. She could NOT understand why I didn’t cherish the fact that I was her namesake. I cringed every time she brought it up.

Little wonder, then, that I was less than thrilled later in life when I found out that my name was forever carved on Christ’s hand. I stewed about that for a long time. Then it all turned to guilt: How in the world did my name become such a big, important issue??? ME, of all people, thinking that my name meant anything to anyone at all!! Most of the time, I was called everything BUT my name. My parents had to go through the list of all 5 to get the right one. But usually, I was called, “Sneaky Pete”, “Pony”, “Stallion," "bean pole," "corn stalk” and the crowning name of them all, “Dirty, Rotten, Lousy, Stinkin’, good for nothing Bum.” It’s amazing how, as I type those words, I can feel the knife turn in the heart of the little child in me. As adults, we laugh now about those name-calling times. But isn’t it true that what we are called defines who we are? There was a period of time that I thought perhaps it was one of these nicknames that was carved on Christ’s hand.
Maybe it was true --- that I was all of these things.

I HATE name calling. Call it what you will --- I call it down-right bullying, belittling, heart-breaking, tear-jerking, rot. And when I look into the puddles forming hot in the eyes of a child who has just been “renamed” like this, I feel it burn in my own.

Someday, I will meet Him. And He will reach out His hands to receive me. And I will quickly look to see what is carved there -- Cora or Cornelia? I’ll settle for either of those. But then, surprise of all surprises, He will bend down and whisper in my ear so only I can hear --- A NEW NAME! Something just between me and Him. And there I’ll be, dressed in white --- my very own robe all trimmed in gold -- His hand holding mine. And in my other hand? A stone. I turn it over carefully, and YES, it’s true. There, carved perfectly just for me is my new name. It just makes me wonder. . . . . . . What DID He see when I sat on that couch and posed for the picture? What DID He call me?????

A Story to be Told?

2011-06-28T15:25:00.005-04:00

Over the past few weeks, I have been reading (and rereading!) Dan Allender’s book, “To Be Told.” I can’t remember where I heard about it, but whatever it was that I read, it sparked enough interest in me to order the book AND the workbook. I thought I was over that. I can’t tell you how many books (AND the workbooks) I have purchased that I thought would “fix” my life. I don’t think I ever once wrote one word in any of the workbooks. And I’ve come to realize that probably no one ever does. Most of them can be purchased on Ebay for less than half the usual purchase price, and they all say they have NO WRITING in them. And along comes another sucker like me, pen ready to go as soon as the mailman delivers my books.
And there I sit with what I hope will be my new bag of fairy dust that will fix whatever is bothering me at the moment. Reality check!!!!!! THERE IS NO FAIRY DUST!

So why this book? First of all, it nipped at my heels because I like to write. I’m not polished, not an author, and probably not that good at it, but if given a choice, I’d rather WRITE it than TELL it. So when the back of the book tells me that I have a story that God wants me to tell, that He has been writing the story of my life up to this point and would like me to pick up my pen and help Him finish the story ---- it got my attention. The author believes that our main purpose and goal of our life is to magnify God’s character and each of us does that in a unique and original way. And once we discover what it is about Him that He wants to show through us, then we find the real and true purpose of our past, our present and our future.

I can’t get away from it. I started with chapter one, reread it to make sure I “got it,” and then went to the workbook. These were not just little “answer the questions to see if you got it” type questions. These were “projects!” Things you need a notebook for. Memories. Lists. Descriptions. OK --- I’m in. I began with a list of the “players” on the stage of my life where my first memories can remember. Just doing that made me take a trip down memory lane.

I’m telling you all this because I think I will post some of these here on my blog. You know, I just love it when some of you have taken the time to tell your stories --- where you grew up, what your grandparents were like, what school was like, your Sunday school teachers, your parents, etc. Those posts just draw me in. It lets me know who and why you are what you are today.

So just in case a story pops up out of the blue about something that took place in my life, you will understand where it’s all coming from --- and where it’s all going. I am so curious! If God wants to show the world just one thing about Himself through ME, what would that be????

Pick up your pen, Lord,
Turn the pages in my book called, “Life.”
And write your Story!
All for your Glory!
And when it all is written
Of what You want to say,
And somewhere in between all the messes I have made
I see grace on every page,
Sign your Name, Lord.
Sign your Name.

Little by little,
Tell of how You loved me.
Fill all the pages others would erase.
And where I tried to write it all my own way,
Cross through my words with ink so full of Grace!
And write Your story!

Little by little,
Tell of how You found me --
Pages of a life all filled with shame --
Write with inks of love and deep compassion,
And when You’re done, sign each and every page!
And tell Your story!

Little by little,
And one soul, then another --
Write Your story for the least of these!
Fill my book, Lord,
Let there be no empty pages,
Pick up your pen, and write about Your peace --
And tell Your story. . .

--Cora Eelman

Showers of Blessings!

2011-06-27T10:46:00.003-04:00

It's literally true: Sometimes blessings do come in raindrops! I don't think I've ever seen it so dry here for so long. It was heartbreaking to see trees dying --- large, mature trees that were full of green leaves, now brown and dead. I have 4 in my yard alone. So when the rains came this week, no one was more thankful than me. I've often imagined what it must be like as the Lord listens to ALL the prayers from around the world. Here I am, begging for rain, Texas needs rain so badly, and others are dealing with floods and rising rivers, crying for a break from all the water! Yet, He hears our cries, takes us through whatever it is that sweeps over us, and we say, "thank you" once again. His way for me is best . . . always! And so, I continue counting the blessings I see each day:

510. Several days of gentle rains after a very long, dry drought. Fires were becoming a threat, trees were so droopy, and gardens failing. Thank you, Lord, for showers!

511. Watching happy birds in the rain!

512. Realizing that many of these birds probably never saw or experienced rain! It’s been that long. They’ve been hatched, raised, and out of the nest --- all since the last time we even had a shower.

513. Seeing how squirrels hang on the underside of tree branches and catch the little streams of water
As they drip. Long, slow drinks! Then a washed face. And all is well!

514. Leaves, all shiney and clean.

515. The peaceful sound of drips from places where God gave an over abundance.

516. Puddle splashers. There’s always the party bunch, aren’t there???? They come with their music and all!

517. That I was challenged this week to find words for things I couldn’t explain clearly. One of those -- You know that you know but you can’t explain it --- type of things.

518. That in this search I learned so much more than I thought I knew.

519. Goats and chickens who love string beans. They are getting the last of the stray beans.

520. Watching Buster push his head deep into the cherry tomato plants, finding the ripe ones, and eating them all. Oh, well! I’m just glad he was smart enough NOT to try the HOT peppers.

521. Reading an exciting and challenging book called, “To Be Told” by Dan Allender. I have bought a million books throughout my life, all promising to make me into the person God meant for me to be, or dealing with my past, and everything else that’s wrong with my life. I got all the workbooks, too. And they are all blank. But this one grabbed me. And since I like to write, this pushed my buttons. More about this in future posts.

522. Finding out that declaring war on negative thoughts is a really BIG war! It’s amazing when I start writing down all the negative things that I think about myself and then find out what God has to say about them. . . . It’s REALLY WAR!

523. Why does that make me smile? Somewhere in my heart I already know I’m on the winning side.

524. Air Conditioning!!!! Just the sound of it coming on makes me feel cooler!

525. That He is in my boat with me when the seas get stormy.

526. That He told me we were going over to the other side, and once He tells me where we’re going, there are no storms that will keep us from going there.

527. That no matter how many times I ask Him why He doesn’t care, He always calms the storms and reminds me of Who He is.

Linking up with so many others who see their blessings each day and share with us their lists:

It Just Ain't Right!

2011-06-22T19:13:00.001-04:00

I knew this day was coming for a while now. And I dreaded it. I mean ---- how many women look forward to going “Boob Shopping?” Not something that pops up regularly in your day-planner, is it?????

But it had to be. You see, I poked a hole in my Boob. It happened a couple of months ago. I always tried to be so careful when putting that thing into the bra. There is a nice, little 1-inch hole in the pocket of the bra cup into which you have to get this 3 pound, cantelope sized boob form. Add to that, it is like a thin skinned balloon filled with silicone gel and a finger nail can go right through it. Add to that, it costs about $369.00.

So. . . Rather than run right out and get a new boob, I got my packing tape out and did a repair job. It did the job until the other day, when the whole thing just went rrrrrrrrrrrip! Since I had to go out, I got the tape out AGAIN and held life together for a little while longer. It’s amazing what a little tape can do to get you through the hard times in life!!!

But today. . . I knew the time had come. In the back of my mind, I just knew that one of these days that thing would burst like a water balloon and I’d be in big trouble. It would most likely happen in a public place, like church or something, and I would never be able to show my face again. So for my own peace of mind, I broke down and went for it.

It’s been two and a half years since my mastectomy. I can hardly believe that much time has past. At first, I thought, “What’s all the fuss about? Who really cares?” I’m 63 years old, so “looks” didn’t seem that important anymore. I was just glad the whole ordeal was over and if it cost a boob, so be it! But I have noticed that I’m becoming more self-conscious about it. I almost never look in the mirror at myself --- it’s too freakish and “It just ain’t right!” I just can’t imagine what younger women go through. It must be the hardest thing in the world to find some form of normal in all of it.

“Normal” for me today cost over $400.00. A boob and a bra. I don’t think I’ve ever spent $400.00 on any one piece of clothing, pair of shoes, purse, etc., ever. But just to look “normal,” I did. Yes, I’ll be reimbursed for a little of that, but even if I didn’t get anything, I would have paid the price. It just ain’t right!

Whispered Gratitudes

2011-06-20T14:30:00.002-04:00

It’s Monday today. The day I usually post my list of gratitudes in a community of people who are living in the moment and seeing there what God has so graciously given. It has been 16 weeks for me. And perhaps these have been the richest of times because I have never realized before how much God has blessed me. But underneath, there has been this knowing thing going on in my heart ---- the wanting to add the “deeper” gratitudes, the “eucharisteo,” the hard thank you’s that get all blurred as you look up with tear-filled eyes and look for the Father’s face. I have not put them on my lists. Not because I am not thankful and unable to say them. They are just too personal to post in a public place. Do you have those? Do you keep a separate journal for these? Today, just putting these numbers in their place bring a lump to my throat and a sigh is whispered with each one. I know He hears. . .

505. . . . .

506. . . .

507. . . . .

508 . . . . .

509. That He understands, accepts my whispers, and keeps them safe within His heart!

Join so many others, won’t you, as they continue to share in the community of gratitude with Ann VosKamp here:

My Gratitude - Week #16

2011-06-13T16:22:00.003-04:00

487. Hearing God’s Word preached and knowing in my heart it came straight from God.

488. Having the resources to dig deeper into the questions that were raised in my heart in response to this preaching.

489. Sharing this with friend.

490. Friends who encourage me to share my heart without feeling intimidated.

491. Knowing that God is NEVER intimidated by what I say --- He already knew it anyways.

492. Hours of talk with my sister. It’s amazing how there is “talk” and then there is “REALLY talk.”

493. The aroma of a pot of baby limas cooking with tons of carrots and little pieces of ham.

495. A friend who lost her job with the school system because of state job cuts, but was called back 2 days later. We were all praying she would find another job soon. Who knew the Lord would reopen the same job???

496. The internet. What did we do before this??? Chuck full of information, answers, encouragement --- to say nothing of the friends and mentors and teachers we meet here.

497. Little red cherry tomatoes hiding among other plants. I let those wild tomato plants grow. Do I remember correctly these kind of plants are called “Free Will tomatoes?” They did really well, much better than when I planted the plants last year and babied them so much. Buster loves them and eats them right off the plants.

498. Momma cardinal feeding her baby at the feeder.

499. Fresh eggs.

500. Laying my hand gently on Buster when he has his nightmares and hearing him heave a big sigh and relax again. Whatever it is, he’s had these heartbreaking dreams since puppy hood and it’s pathetic to listing to him cry like that.

501. Cold ice tea on a VERY HOT day.

502. For struggles that seem to have no answers except to make me think and grow stronger.

503. For questions that make me dig for answers.

504. For answers that bring up more questions.

Joining with Ann VonKamp and a multitude of others who are counting their gifts in everyday moments. . .

So many Things to be Thankful For!

2011-06-06T13:21:00.002-04:00

455. Still bringing in beans --- those long, asparagus beans. Vines are starting to thin out, so I may just get a second planting. They love HOT weather. Trouble is, I DON’T!

456. Mornings still cool enough to do some yard work without becoming buzzard bait.

457. A REALLY GREAT hot dog with saurkraut. Every once in a while, you just GOTTA give in to those cravings.

458. That God can change people, even old people, like ME.

459. That I would even WANT TO change.

460. That I would want to do it with accountability to a trusted few.

461. That He orchestrates it all, bringing other bloggers into the picture because they are sensitive to God’s direction and leading in what they say.

462. That keeping this list of blessings, gratitudes, and simple thank you’s has changed so much in my life:
I have seen light shining where there used to be only darkness, and guess Who was there? Makes me want to venture a little deeper and let Him shine the light on it.

463. That the title to my blog, Hidden Riches in Secret Places, is coming full circle back to me.

464. That when darkness veils His loving face, I can rest in His unchanging grace; Through every dark and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.

465. That God can resurrect trust even when every shred of trust within me is dead. Thank you, Craig!

466. The sound of thunder in the distance. Rains coming? We need it sooooo badly!

467. Darkened skies. Rain is coming!

468. Hearing first drops hitting the leaves of my sycamore tree.

469. Gentle showers washing away dirt and dust, making all things new and beautiful again!

470. Walking through puddles. I’ve been a puddle splasher since grade school!

471. Watching birds who can’t get enough of puddle splashing either!

472. That God ALWAYS keeps His promises.

473. That sometimes I’m in the middle, that place between the making of the promise and the fulfillment.

474. That I can continue walking, knowing it will be --- maybe not today, but IT WILL BE!

475. That He is able to keep me from falling.

476. That He presents me faultless before the Throne of Grace! Faultless!!!!! ME!!!!!!

477. Reading “The Scent of Water: Grace for Every Kind of Broken” by Naomi Zacharias and feeling my gut being wrenched already, though I’m only in chapter 4.

478. That I’m finding I’m doing better with reading! I used to read everything I could put my hands on. Then found I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t remember what I read, etc. Chemo brain???? I don’t know! It really bothered me for a while. Lately, the desire to read has been overwhelming, and I started again by just reading and rereading until “I got it!” Slowly but surely, it has come back again. Thank you, Lord!

479. Finding so many little, tiny eggplants on my plants. What to do????? I don’t like eggplant that much! They look like little Christmas ornaments perfectly placed on little trees. Maybe by the time I try a different recipe each time I bring them in, I’ll find SOMETHING that I like.

480. Hearing all the frogs “singing” at night and others singing back from far away. Add to the chorus, a whipoorwill, a rooster that doesn’t know it’s night time, and a mockingbird that hasn’t stopped singing for a month now, and . . . . Yes, God DOES give “songs in the night!” Kind of sounds like I live in a swamp. Swamp songs!

481. That I still have time to replant beans for a second crop. The question is, WILL I???? It’s REALLY HOT out there.. . .

482. That I have a brother-in-law who handles the “man tools” and saws and chops trees that fall across my driveway.

483. That nothing goes to waste, as birds pull away loose bark off of the fallen tree and find lunch ready and waiting for squawking babies.

484. That my sister, who seems to have gone over the edge in her determined efforts to get rid of the vultures, is winning the battle after all ---- BB guns, bobbing-headed plastic owls, garlands made of shiney silver and bright plastic ornaments hanging in trees, a good hosing now and then ------ I only saw one last night, and Buster did a good job is chasing that one off. I used to think the obsessions of older people were a hoot when I was younger --- like my father sitting in his lawn chair with a poker, waiting for the moles to come and then spearing them with shouts of victory. But my sister and I are there now. And there is something about being old and not letting a vulture get the best of you. It’s like your last stand in life, your claim to victory. So please bear with us, you younger ones who think I’ve lost it!

485. Spanish Rice! When was the last time you had Spanish Rice????? When I was a kid, this came in cans, ready made, and you just heated it up as a side dish. We had it all the time and I loved it. What happened to Spanish rice????? Another significant sign of old age ---- craving the foods of your youth! I made it from scratch, and I couldn’t get enough. You’d think it was the last meal I would ever get.

486. Sycamore leaves, now full sized, doing what they are made to do ---- make shade. Watching the breezes make these leaves dance, which make the shadows dance . . . And makes me smile. It’s been almost 3 years now since I nearly killed this tree. It’s planted close to my septic tank. Too close, but I don’t care. When I went through chemo treatments, I never gave it a thought that all that poison would go OUT of me, INTO the septic tank, and end up in my tree! I cried when I saw all those beautiful, perfect leaves turn brown and curl up. I wondered if it would come back the following year ---- I wondered if I would be back the following year!!!!! It did come back, more full and stronger than ever. And so did I.

Joining with so many others who find blessings in the most wonderful places. . .

Still Counting Towards 1,000

2011-05-30T11:30:00.001-04:00

438. Beautiful lilac-tinted flowers on bean vines. I planted the asparagus beans so the vines would climb an archway. The flowers don’t last long, but they are so pretty while they are there.

439. Sunset. Driving down a long, straight road towards the west, the sun is HUGE and blazing red as it drops into the gulf. Just breath-taking!

440. Homemade patty melt on onion-rye bread from the bakery. Nothing better.

441. Sound of a hamburger sizzling in the frying pan. I don’t have them very often anymore. So I salivate along with Buster as it’s cooking.

442. Cucumbers that play hide-and-seek under big, protective leaves.

443. Lots of little chirpy babies being shown where the feeder is and how it “do it yourself.”

444. Young squirrel on the window ledge sitting on his haunches, holding his chest, in “shock and awe” as he realizes there are people on the other side of the glass.

445. Offering encouragement, but getting way more back in return.

446. Relieved to have my 3-month check up with the oncologist over and done with. All is well.

447. Leaving comfort zones can be hard, but once I tried my wings, I found I didn’t want to go back to the nest.

448. Moving on!

449. And finding I’m not alone in the journey.

450. And that the miracle of it all is that I WANT to move on. Is this how an eagle feels when it’s time to fly? Scared, but you want to --- and you just do it?

451. Open mike music night at a sister church. Such a blessing!

452. That so many in the audience had served in the military. An overwhelming sense of gratefulness came over me.

453. Reading others’ blogs and the stories of those who have served and sacrificed all for my freedom. Thank you! Because of their sacrifices, you have sacrificed much, also.

454. Encouragement in my email that just changed the course of my day!

You can join others who are finding thankfulness and gratitude in their everday moments here:

Waterboarding

2011-05-26T21:17:00.003-04:00

So many of you have asked about #420 in my last post ---- my sister waterboarding turkey vultures. So here's the explanation.

We have a real problem. For some reason, about 50 of these horrible looking turkey vultures have decided that my house and my sister's house would make wonderful roosting places. They are tearing up the roofs, and that's bad enough. But they come down into the yard morning and evening, they chase us, chase our cats, go after the other birds, to say nothing of the droppings, etc. I wanted to get my mail (we have the old fashioned mailboxes on the road), and this "boss vulture" came after me hissing and throwing up at me.

These birds are protected and you can't hurt, kill, or harm them in any way. Suggestions are loud noises, shiney objects, clapping, etc. NOTHING works. Even gun shots in the air just send them back to the roof and then they stand there looking over the edge and laugh at us.

Well, my sister is on a mission. She got her hose out with one of those power nozzles on it and goes after these beasts!!!!! I think it does more for HER as it gets rid of some of her frustrations for a little while. The birds just walk away and come back when she finishes her tantrum with the water.

If ANYONE has any suggestions as to how to get these things to move, I would so appreciate it. I just can't understand why our house. We don't have garbage or dead animals, etc., sitting out. Isn't that what they usually go after????? Maybe they are waiting for ME to drop out there, I don't know! I hear they go for the eyeballs first!

Gratitudes of the Heart - Week 14

2011-05-23T09:10:00.003-04:00

416. Strength to admit weakness.

417. Strength to take a step. . . And then another.

418. Strength to follow through.

419. Support of those who understand.

420. Watching my sister “waterboard” turkey vultures who just won’t give it up!

421. Cool, sunny days. Like the spring days I remember as a child.

422. Butterflies.

423. A cardinal catching drops of water off the leaves after I water.

424. Listening to baby flycatchers learning their song. Mom and Dad sit on a branch nearby and sing it right. Little ones in the birdhouse sing it -- not so right. Over and over and over they practice, day after day. I wonder if that’s the rule --- you can only come out to play if your song is right???

425. Learning about the depths of forgiveness over at Craig’s blog, Deep into Love: Just Corinthian Love.

426. Learning to fly like an eagle ---- Thank you, Lea!

427. A brother-in-law coming to my rescue with a battery charger. I left the little inside lights on in my car.

428. Fresh picked cucumber sliced up in a salad with onion, feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes, etc.

429. Fifteen bean soup cooking for supper.

430. Cornbread! Tastes like Heaven when you haven’t had it in a while!

431. Zuchinni. All the zuchinni I could ever want for free. Someone brought boxes and boxes of it to church tonight. I was shocked at how many people didn’t know what it was, never tasted it, and didn’t know how to fix it.

432. Graduation day. The Flycatchers are out of the nest. What a loud, busy bunch out there!!!!! Three babies and two parents --- and no one else is allowed anywhere near them ---- no one WANTS to be. It sounds like about 20 police whistles being blown all at the same time. They definitely got their song down pat! One baby wants to go to the ground, but Momma goes after him, swoops under him, and guides him back to the top of a tree. Do I see some lessons there?????

433. Still, quiet moments.

434. The freedom of forgiveness and letting go.

435. Buster’s big sighs as he sleeps at my feet. ALWAYS at my feet. 24/7.

436. One big beautiful Sunday all wrapped up in one big blessing!

437. The reminder that we really only have an audience of ONE when it comes to what we do in life. What we do is for God and Him alone. (Col. 3:23-24).

I'm linking up with Ann VonKamp, author of 1000 Gifts, and the many others who are counting all the blessings and gifts that the Lord sends their way. You can find them here:

Victory

2011-05-20T14:52:00.006-04:00

All my life, I've heard about "The Victorious Christian Life." It was everywhere --- church, camp, conferences, Bible School, Bible studies. The whole center of teaching at the Bible Institute I went to was "the crucified life" as presented in Galatians 2:20, Romans 4-8, and other passages that fit with these. The result of all that for me? That I was a complete failure and would never "attain" or experience this type of life. This failure (as I saw it) was so deep feeling that I walked away -- not so much from my faith, but from the pursuit of all God had for me in life. In that stagnant time frame, I was anything but a happy person, and gradually found my way back. . . at least to the point where I had left off. How gracious God is and how patient and forgiving!

If I've learned anything about myself, I've learned I'm very simplistic. And I like pictures. Things my heart and mind can see. I remember these things easier and I can fit myself and my heart into the pictures my mind has formed.

The other day, someone asked me about "living victoriously" and wishing someone could explain it without all the "canned answers." I dug into the past 30 years or so of my life and my mental files where I have kept a running tab on what I have latched onto. And this is what I've learned:

Victory is always portrayed as an end thing. The end of a race, the winning of a game, the beating of an opponent, the top of a mountain. It’s when the pictures are taken. It’s when the flag is raised. It’s when the medals are given.

No one takes the pictures where victory starts. It starts with a vision and a wanting of what I see. It’s making a plan and drawing a map that goes from here to there.

And in the plan, the drawing, the heart of a victor is conceived. It beats. It dreams. It sees the end, the finish line, the top of the mountain. It’s seeing a goal and wanting to reach it. The heart trembles with fear and the hand feels the hesitations, but pushes on. No one takes pictures of my heart. No one cheers. No one even notices me in my starting place. But this is victory. Starting. Beginning. The first step.

Mountains are high and a real victor picks the highest. The one that is lost in the clouds. The one that stands one step in front of me. I stand at sea level, the bottom of the mountain. I take step one -- one foot above sea level -- and I am victorious. In that moment, I move towards the top. I set a goal, set my heart, and I take one step! But no one takes my picture. No one calls me a winner. No one drapes me with a medal. But my heart knows. And it’s right. And it’s good.

Another step, and then another, and I’m going up. I smile, and all is well --- until I fall. I’m crushed, but in my hand is still my dreaming heart and it screams, “Get up! Get up and start again!” And I do get up. And once again I know victory. It’s in the getting up. It’s in seeing the top of the mountain. It’s moving on -- again! I fall --- again and again and again. But victory is not giving up. It’s getting up. Every time, I get up, find my heart and move upwards. But no one takes my picture. No one cheers for the one with wounds and scars and torn clothing. But, oh, my heart knows! And now I am determined. And I taste victory.

I get tired and hungry and cold and discouraged. I’m behind, moving slower than I planned. But victory is going beyond what I thought I could do. It’s pushing forward, no matter what. It’s laying aside things that weigh me down. It’s pressing on. Victory is one step. Just one. And victory is then another. It’s pressing on. It’s my heart. It’s never being satisfied with where I am. It’s taking out my plan, seeing my heart moving towards the top. Victory is today. It’s this moment. It’s where I am now, in this fleeting flash of time, moving --- always moving!

Victory is knowing I will make it. It’s seeing the top, though clouds are still hanging low. It’s carrying a victor’s flag the whole way, picking it up time and again, and again, and again . . . And even again.

Victory is moving upwards, even though others quit and go back. Victory does not listen to threats of failure. Victory sings, “Not to the strong is the battle, not to the swift is the race, but to the true and the faithful victory is promised through grace.”

It’s too bad I can’t take pictures of my heart, my mountains, and my upward journey! What an album that would be! It is in the looking back that I understand, that I see clearly what was once hidden in the misty clouds. I look through the pages of my heart, and there, in every picture I see a cross. Sometimes I was carrying it. Sometimes I fell beneath it. Sometimes . . .wait!!!!! Who is that with me in these pictures???? Who is carrying my cross for me??? I thought I was alone. . . .

Messing With My Nest!

2011-05-17T21:35:00.004-04:00

My sister said it perfectly --- “It’s all our brother’s fault!” He started picking at my nest --- my comfort zone --- and since then, it’s all been turmoil. It started around Labor Day when Tony was first diagnosed with late stage Lung Cancer. You would have thought that my own journey through breast cancer would have ruffled me more. Or why not when my sister went through the agony of cancer treatments???? There was something about Tony. . . .

He asked questions -- hard ones. And now, he has all the answers and I’m still digging for them. He’s there, with the Author and Finisher of his faith. I’m here, looking through the glass, darkly. The questions of “Why” blow like a steady, fierce wind, and no matter how I try, it keeps tearing up my neatly built nest.
It’s not a question of “why me.” Not a feeling sorry for myself. It’s more of a “why me --- NOW!” Why at this stage of my life does my comfort zone have to become so uncomfortable?

Questions demand answers. That’s what makes them so hard. It’s easy to dismiss someone’s statement, or a look, or gesture. But when someone looks you in the eye and asks a question, you open your mouth, take a deep breath, and search like crazy through the caverns of your brain for an answer. And it doesn’t make any difference if you audibly answer or not -- somewhere, somehow, you answer. And lately, the Lord has taken up where Tony left off, except He’s going deeper into my soul and messing with my nest.

It’s the little pecking that gets to me. Like the question a friend recently asked me, “Where’s your heart now?” I had showed him some things I had made a few years ago. What in the world did that have to do with my heart???? It wouldn’t go away. I had no idea where my heart was! A lost heart. Somewhere out there, my heart was homeless --- fallen out of the nest. And I need to leave my comfort zone to find it again.

Then comes the one who REALLY knows how and pulls everything apart.: A pastor who seems to preach directly at (for) me! Every single message, every single Sunday takes a chunk out of my carefully woven sticks, grass, mud, and whatever else it took to make me feel safe. There isn’t much left to hang on to except a weak branch or two, and I’m afraid he’s coming with the saw soon and I’ll just drop to who knows where! And still I ask, Why mess with my nest NOW?

Then comes along people who write these blogs. Blogs that leave you asking more questions than they answered. Stuff about forgiveness, the past, who I am in Christ, scars, ministering to the needy and hurting, etc. Stuff that turns me inside out and makes me ask MYSELF the questions and I can’t find my heart anywhere in my messed up, falling-apart nest.

It’s a strange thing about comfort zones: They are built with a master plan and fit us to a tee. The walls are just high enough to make us feel safe. LOTS of locks on minimum doors. Windows that only let US see out but lets no one see IN. We even have closets. And in those closets are memories and secrets, stuff that got dirty and stained, lots of bottles full of tears, shoes covered in mud, old bandages that had once covered bleeding wounds until thick, hard scars took their place. We don’t go in the closets much. But I have recently. In all this messing up of my nest, the Lord opened the doors again, and I’m seeing I didn’t do a very good job the last time around in getting those shelves cleaned out.

So what’s a master nest builder to do when God messes with her nest????

I think it’s time to use the wings He gave me and fly. . . .

Thanks, Ton!

Week 11: Showers of Blessings!

2011-05-16T10:46:00.004-04:00

They just keep coming!

395. A gift from a friend -- fresh picked cabbage, kale, watercress, onions, herbs, and a whole bunch of stuff.

396. Picking cucumbers and making a salad. Never realized how wonderful a fresh-picked cucumber was!

397. A sale on one of my favorite things: sun dried tomatoes -- the ones that are packed with herbs in the jar. The sale was buy one get one free. And that is great for me because they are a little expensive. I stocked up! I use them in everything from salads to casseroles.

398. Sharing the deepest corners of my heart.

399. The look of understanding that came from that sharing.

400. A really good, from-the-gut, laugh with my sister. Turkey vultures have invaded her yard and she has tried everything to get rid of them. She made a scarecrow out of her old clothing as a last resort. She sat it in the chair in the yard, hoping it would scare them off. Next morning, all the pieces were scattered across the yard. Now we know what will happen to us if we die out there!!!!! Or even stand in one place too long!!! Scarey thought!!!!!

401. Baby owls. How cute is this???!!!! I don’t know what we thought was going on in that birdhouse --- we always just called it “Mr. Owl” and never assumed there was a “Mrs. Owl”. Who knew major housekeeping and child rearing was going on in there???

402. Crab cakes. Sent as a gift to us from Maryland. Thank you, Jackie!

403. Learning deeper things about forgiveness. I’m so thankful for Craig’s blog over at Deep into Love: Just Corinthian Love. He has made me think and meditate, and pray -- and that’s a good thing. I need to go deeper.

404. That the Lord orchestrates things like this and brings others into the picture who say just the right things and push me a little further.

405. That my comfort zones aren’t comfortable anymore.

406. That “living victoriously” is an everyday, moment by moment thing. It’s seeing a mountain and deciding to climb it. It’s taking the first step and then another. It’s not that I fall down. It’s that I get up again. It’s going beyond what I thought I could do. It’s not giving up. It’s pressing on. It’s not being satisfied until I reach the top.

407. Buster flying through the yard like super dog in a cape trying to chase the vultures away. He means business. He’s on watch 24/7 at the window and let’s me know. . .

408. Hearing baby flycatchers in their birdhouse.

409. Apple pie!!!

410. Picking green beans every day this week. It’s those yard-long green beans. And they DO grow VERY long, believe me. Finally found something that likes to grow in Florida’s HOT weather!

411. A friend who looks me in the eye and asks, “Where is your heart now?” and causes me to think for days about where my heart is taking me.

412. Rain! We needed it so badly! I know that so many people are experiencing floods and the loss of everything in their lives right now. I feel guilty thanking God for rain. But it has been so dry here.

413. Pastor’s sermon this morning on Hebrews 12:1. I’ve always loved this verse so much. But it hit me today. The “laying aside the weights” thing. The things that hold me back. All week long I’ve struggled with whether “weights” are still there or gone. My resistance to an invitation and my backing up like a threatened dog gave me my answers. And this morning’s message was a confirmation that I need to revisit some things. Thank you, Pastor!

414. Sisters! Both of them. One close -- on far.

415. A surprise wedding as part of our evening service. The best service I’ve been to in ages!!!! A restoration, a re-marriage, a new beginning, and a church full of support, signed promises of prayers for them, and God’s presence. It was just toooo good!

I'm linking up with Ann VonKamp, author of 1000 Gifts, and the many others who are counting all the blessings and gifts that the Lord sends their way. You can find them here:

Week 10 of Counting God's Gifts

2011-05-09T09:39:00.004-04:00

Isaiah 49:16 says, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of [my] hands; thy walls [are] continually before me." About a week ago, someone reminded me of this verse and how he always thought of it when he saw initials carved within hearts on a tree trunk. I remember as a kid seeing them all over the place when we went camping in state forests or public camping grounds. Those initials were there forever -- or at least as long as the tree lived! The thought that MY name has been carved into the hands of Christ. . . well, it's just awesome! I'm a child of the King. I'm not sure anyone ever carved my initials into a tree, or into wet cement, etc. But knowing that my name is on His hand forever . . . that is my greatest gratitude of the week!!!

Poodwaddle.com
This is my 10th week of counting the blessings that the Lord sends my way. Every moment is loaded with them. I don't always see. Sometimes I don't write them down and I forget. And sometimes, my heart is just not right, I'm focussed on other stuff, and I miss them altogether. I've found that I'M the loser when that happens. The gift was given, and I missed it. It has been life-changing for me to write them down. I realize I am so blessed. My eyes have been opened. I have learned to trust more. And. . . through this community of people who are also counting their gratitudes, I have made many new friends. How great is THAT????!!!! You can find them all gathered here:

373. Chopping up the biggest zuchinni I’ve ever seen. I just had to have it. When my sister and I went picking, I discovered this HUGE one under a HUGE leaf. I know --- the seeds are big, skin is a little tough, but still ---- I wanted the biggest in the world. So today, I needed six cups of chopped zuchinni for the recipe. I cut this world class thing in half, cut out the seedy stuff, chopped up the rest, and still had more than six cups, and still had HALF the zuchinni left. Chickens are VERY happy pecking at those seeds!

374. Tasty, fresh cucumbers in my salad.

375. Finding tomatoes hanging on my plants --- those plants that came up in the compost amongst my green beans .

376. Watching a baby cardinal grow so fast ---- when he popped his head out of the nest today, he looked like ET. All beak and eyes!!!!

377. Early morning raking in the yard --- until the rake handle broke. Good excuse to quit.

378. Watching a wren take a “mud bath” as she rubbed her belly all through a freshly watered planter. Just too cute!

379. Stories. Stories of people’s lives, where they came from, how they became who they are today and why, how they met the Lord.

380. Looking into someone’s eyes, now knowing his “story” and him appreciating my thank you.

381. Listening to the stillness at dusk.

382. Hearing scary footsteps in the darkness shuffling through the leaves in the woods ---- only to see a gopher turtle heading across the yard.

383. Six perfect green peppers and some other kind of light green peppers --- picked, admired, cut up, and frozen.

384. Cutting up yellow squash and zuchinni and freezing it. We’ll see. If it’s too mushy, I’ll make a casserole. But I had to do something with it as I picked too many.

385. Having to cut the lower limbs off my sycamore tree. They were so heavy this year that they were dragging on the ground. NOT a good thing to get slapped with when riding on the mower. It gave me a good feeling to cut those branches --- it now looks like the perfect shade tree. All I need is a chair, a glass of ice tea, and a good book!

386. Blackberries gone. At least it made me smile, and that’s a good thing! Birds just running through those bushes and picking ALL the black ones! At first, I wanted to shoot them. But then I thought, they probably have little ones in their nests just waiting for dinner. So, okay!!! They went to good homes.

387. Left-over casserole for dinner. No cooking. No pots to scrub. No mess. No fuss. Just good eatin’!

388. Ice cold, juicy grapes. I love the way they just squirt sweetness in my mouth!!!!

389. The song of crickets at sunset.

390. Buster’s big, heavy sighs as sleeps on my feet.

391. News that a package I thought was lost finally reached its destination.

392. Knowing that The Potter will put me back on the wheel and remake me. . . Again and again and again. . . Until I am a vessel, fit for the Master’s use.

393. Simple suppers.

394. Already picking enough yard-long beans to eat and freeze. They grow like weeds!

Join with others who are continually counting their gifts and sharing them with us all. You can find them here:

Gifts --- They Just Keep Coming. . .

2011-05-02T10:06:00.003-04:00

I’m not one who takes risks. I don’t go near the edge of the nest. I don’t leave my comfort zones. In fact, I protect my comfort zones. I make them more comfortable. I make them harder to leave. But this week, the walls were penetrated. At least three times the Lord knocked on the door of my heart and asked me to do something. Nothing big. Nothing life threatening. Nothing that was costly. Not even a long term commitment. And I said no. Three times. And in my heart, I sat with Peter and heard the cock crow. And I knew that I knew nothing of Calvary love. It’s easy to say I will pray for someone or for a situation when nothing is required of me -- not even my presence. It’s easy to say I care when I don’t have to do something. And here, so soon after celebrating the Cross, a time when Christ poured out everything for me, and I wear a necklace that says “By Grace Alone,” I can’t extend a little grace to another???? I thought I knew that I knew. I thought I was better than that. But when put to the test, I didn’t hold up.

Grace! Yet again, He was there. “The LORD sustains all who fall and raises up all who are bowed down.” (from Psalm 145.14). Somewhere in that word, ALL, I found myself. Fallen. . . And being raised up. Arms that reach, and keep on reaching. . . All the way to ME.

And so I keep on counting. . . Because in spite of ME, He just keeps on giving. . .

335. Left over casserole from last night’s Church supper.

336. Green beans from last year’s garden. Still so good!

337. Glistening drops of rain as the sun was shining through them.

338. Rolling thunder in the distance.

339. Birds excitedly romping through wet leaves on the trees, taking showers, then shaking dry.

340. How all is quiet through the storm, then one bird announces the end with what sounds like an “all is clear” signal, and the songs start.

341. How rain seems to do such a better job at watering plants than all my watering can do.

342. Buster’s sleepy head on my feet --- always right there. I’m never out of his sight.

343. Shiny green peppers growing on my plants.

344. Hearing the song of the Whipoorwill late at night. Reminds me of childhood, camping, fireplaces, roasted marshmallows, sleeping in tents and hearing all the sounds of the night. In a few weeks, I’ll want to shoot the thing. I know he won’t shut up until fall.

345. Watching sycamore tree leaves dancing in a morning’s breezes. They are medium sized already. Hard to imagine they will hang on for about another six months through blazing sun, heat, storms wind. All is right for one fragile, insignificant leaf as long as it is securely attached to the tree. A lesson here for ME?

346. Buzzer announcing laundry is finished. For me, it’s the best invention of mankind --- automatic washing machines!

347. Choices! After watching the Hallmark movie about the teacher to homeless children, I am aware of how blessed I am. Just to have a CHOICE of what to have for dinner tonight. I know nothing of hunger when I say I am hungry.

348. Those who are doing something about it, the best they can, in small ways, making a difference one meal at a time.

349. Hearing about a local ministry feeding and clothing the homeless, and the generous outpouring of the community to help.

350. Cucumbers almost ready to pick.

351. Wild grape vines full of millions of little grape clusters. We had some grapes last year, but it looks like a bumper crop this year.

352. The smell of meat loaf cooking. Tonight will be good, tomorrow will be even better with meat loaf sandwiches.

353. Tuning in at just the right moment to watch the Decorah eagle bring in dinner for the family, followed by nest repair (moving a stick from here to there), dumping trash over the side, and seeing happy, full tummies settle in for a nap. They all make me nervous. Hearing the wind howl, seeing the nest swaying, babies getting too close to the edge, Momma not coming back to the nest for long periods, snow covering the babies and Momma, etc. ---- how in the world do they make it? But I cheer them on. And I feel all cozy and safe when I watch those little ones snuggle under her wings as she fluffs up the nest’s sides around her. I find myself humming, “Under His Wings I am safely abiding, when the night deepens and tempests are wild. Still I can trust Him, I know He will keep me. He has redeemed me and I am His child.”

354. A late supper visit from Mrs. Wren along with a beautiful song.

355. Discovering baby cardinals have hatched on my porch.

356. Streams of gold from a setting sun finding a pathway through thick leaves.

357. How God keeps working on me, even when I’m stubborn, stupid, and full of me.

358. How others encourage with insight, experience, and just the right words.

359. How glad I am that Romans 8:1 follows Romans 7.

360. A surprise package in the mail: a toy for Buster, seeds for my garden, a card of encouragement. . . . And three rusty nails. A long story. Something shared between friends. But those three nails mean everything to me -- Grace poured out til it reached even me! Thank you, Lea!

361. Picking cucumbers, zuchinni, yellow squash, swiss chard, and lettuce at the U-pick farm. It was such a beautiful, breezy day!

362. Sunflowers growing as big as trees! I’ve never seen such HUGE ones.

363. Bluebirds nesting in a watering can.

364. Listening to a calf hollering because the young farmer girl was late in bringing him his breakfast of sliced yellow squash.

365. Lunch out with my sister.

366. Fresh salad. REALLY fresh!

367. Watching momma cardinal feed three ----- mouths --- that’s all I could see --- wide open mouths came up together.

368. Poppa cardinal singing close by as momma did the feeding.

369. Scrubbies on sponges. What did we do before scrubbies???? I remember those curlie wire things with Comet cleanser. Give me green scrubbies any day!

370. Cleaning up the yard of fallen trees, limbs, leaves, vines, etc. Hard, sweaty work, but much needed. Thanks to brother-in-law who hauled, took down tree trunks, dumped, etc. Thanks to sis who do what sister’s do --- help pull, tug and sweat along side of you!

371. Wondering how I would move a heavy dresser and finding it had wheels on the bottom.

372. Being confronted with opportunities to serve and finding my comfort zones are too comfortable and the walls around them well fortified and protected. A time of soul searching for me, learning what love really is, what it is not, how it serves, how it moves OUT of comfort zones and takes risks.

Please click on the link below to join in with others who are counting their gratitudes with Ann VosKamp, author of the best selling book, 1000 Gifts!

Multitudes on Mondays. . . continuing to count graces bestowed

2011-04-25T09:32:00.003-04:00

311. That He is the keeper of restless hearts!

312. That He knows the answers to all things that concern me and will direct my path in the right way.

313. Knowing that this will come in HIS time.

314. Opening a bag of navy beans and hearing them fall into a pan. It brought back memories of making bean bags when I was a kid and using them for as a “patsie” for our hop-scotch games. I wonder how many sidewalks we chalked up with those games and how many hours we spent playing????

315. The smell of navy beans cooking slowly on the stove.

316. Watching carrot peels fly through the peeler as Buster waits for his carrot.

317. Talking with my brother through Skype.

318. Sycamore tree leaves that wave all day in the breezes. They’ve grown so large in such a short time.

319. My old, old car that never gives up and gives me no trouble.

320. Dinner and fellowship with new friends.

321. Listening to their hearts, their vision, where they are and where they want to go.

322. Stars. So many stars. And I always think of that verse, “When I consider the heavens, the moon and the stars, what is Cora that God should be mindful of ME?” (personalization mine!)

323. Broccoli casserole. A new recipe with biscuits, rice crispies, cheese and chicken. Just too good.

324. A clean kitchen floor.

325. Seeing how God works and brings people together who have a vision--- with empty planters, of all things.

326. Man of Sorrows, What a Name, for the Son of God who came - ruined sinners to reclaim -- Halleleuah, what a Savior!

327. That He carried a cross and His love for me was so great that it held Him there until the debt was fully paid.

328. Trying new recipes --- gets me out of old ruts.

329. Finding cucumbers hiding under big, protective leaves.

330. Finding out that birds love my blackberries more than I do.

331. Waking up to what sounded like a herd of elephants on my roof ---- the vultures are back. (I’ll have to think about what to be thankful for with this one!)

332. A Pastor with the most tender of hearts.

333. The music of the Ressurection and the joy on the faces of those who bring it to me.

334. Hearing the tender heart of an 80 year old man as his love and concern spilled over his lips and eyes. His wife had a stroke last week and he has not left her side until tonight.

I'm joining with hundreds of others who are counting their gifts and blessings. If you would like to read their lists, please click here:

It Is Finished

2011-04-22T11:10:00.001-04:00

If you had been chosen to live in Bible times, there may have come those days we all dread called, “hard times.” There were no banks, mortgage companies. . . But you had neighbors and friends. And most likely, one would be willing to loan you whatever it was you needed.

It was custom back then, just as it is today, for the two parties involved to sign a note -- an agreement of the amount owed and time of payment, etc. It was witnessed, and put away for safe keeping.

I remember the days when I had a house payment, a car payment, a few credit cards, etc., etc. I knew each of these companies held a legal document with my signature -- a paper that detailed my agreement to pay each month a certain amount until the debt was paid. I also remember the day when I just knew. . . I was sick with horror because I KNEW I could never pay it all back. I had no income, I had illness looming in front of me . . .I was in trouble.

Back to Bible times. When you had paid your debt to your friend, this piece of paper (the record of your debt) was brought out. In front of witnesses, skin was cut, blood flowed, and into this blood a pen was taken and dipped into the blood. The word, “Tetelestai” was written across the note -- in blood.

The word translates -- Paid in Full.

The same word that Christ cried from the cross that reads “It is finished!”

All that I owed, All of MY sin, All of YOUR sin -- paid for IN FULL -- a legal transaction, signed in blood, accepted by the Father, for ME, For YOU.

If you still carry the burden and guilt of the sin payment you cannot pay, please know that Jesus, God’s Son, has made the payment for you and accept His “Paid in Full” today.

Multitudes on Mondays: Counting Gifts

2011-04-18T09:26:00.005-04:00

Continuing with another week of living in the present moment and seeing all the gifts that God has rained down upon me:

272. Encouragement from a friend in an email. Nothing like a good morning pick-me-up.

273. Unsually chirpy birds. Especially the flycatchers. They sound like police whistles out there.

274. Crab cakes! A gift sent to us --- the best Maryland crab cakes there are. HUGE ones with great big lumps of crab. A dream come true. Thank you, Jackie!!!

275. Reading other bloggers’ lists of gratitudes. There just isn’t anything more uplifting than joining into others’ thanks. Some hard, some precious, some funny, some priceless, but all of it is soul food!

276. Pea soup. Homemade. My sister made a crock pot full and gave me a quart for tomorrow’s lunch. My favorite soup ever!

277. Tiny, little green beans appearing on my plants.

278. VERY busy birds building nests in the birdhouse. And argue???!!!! One brings straw and grass or whatever, the other throws it out (not good enough, I guess), they fuss at each other for a while, then the other goes off for more stuff. I didn’t know birds needed marriage counseling!

279. Spring breezes -- branches always swaying, leaves moving -- there’s a gentleness about it all.

280. The beginning of a website for a friend and his singing group. He asked. . . I said I would try. . . And it’s working and coming together so far. I really had no idea why I said yes . . . I never did this before.

281. Finding a way to help someone in need.

282. Taco salad for. . . Late lunch/early supper. Just too good!

283. Hope. It’s a word I’ve thought a lot about lately. You don’t really think about it until you have none. Or think you don’t. This past weekend, I saw hope in someone’s eyes -- and it moved me tremendously. I haven’t forgotten it, either. I’m trying to think if I have EVER seen this before. People have expressed their hope verbally, or I have seen things done in a hopeful spirit, etc. But to see it in someone’s eyes. . . I will not soon forget that.

284. A doctor who cares and listens.

285. A reminder of God’s guidance: “And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left.” Isaiah 30:21

286. Sounds of motorcycles riding down the street.

287. Cool, brisk spring morning.

288. Finding Mrs. Cardinal all honkered down on a little nest built in dead vines on my porch. Now I can’t take them down until she’s raised her family!!!!

289. Hearing Mr. Cardinal sitting on a branch a few feet away singing to her. How sweet is that???? A real love song!

290. Picking the first green beans of the season. Just enough for supper.

291. A new veggie I’ve never eaten before. Beet greens. Since there were NO beets, it seemed such a waste to have those beautiful reddish green leaves go to waste. So I looked up a recipe to see if they were really edible, and sure ’nuf, they are! Some bacon, onion, garlic, apple juice, throw in the greens, and . . . . Oh my!!! Of all the greens I’ve eaten, this has to rate up there as the all time best. Sweet, tender. . . . Just yummy!

292. Watching Buster gobble up his dinner of “fishies.” When I got him at 8 weeks old, the guy told me he had been raised on canned mackerel, that it’s full of all the oils, Omega-3 stuff, and everything that’s good for a dog. So since he loves it, I’ve continued. Not every day, but maybe once a week. He can find the red can in the cupboard. Fishies to Buster is like Prime Rib to me!

293. Bible Study tonight. What a pick-me-up! The happiest bunch of Christians I’ve ever met.

294. The old hymn, “Oh Love that wilt Not Let Me Go.” In thinking of Easter approaching, there is such peace and hope in knowing beyond any shadow of doubt that the Love that held Him on the Cross is the same Love that holds me for eternity.

295. Green beans. I picked enough for supper. All perfect. That struck me. Mainly, because the last bunch I bought at the grocery store were full of bad spots, some a little “rotty” , etc.

296. Buster’s response to, “Let’s go do the beans.” Nothing makes him happier than to stick his big brown nose into those beans to see what I’m picking. He loves them raw.

297. Grocery shopping. . . Not that I like the task that much, but that I’m able to do it. I never thought about it much until there was a time when all I could do was about 2 aisles. I think of that now as I rush up and down those aisles, push a heavy cart loaded with big dog food bags, potatoes, detergent, etc. And that’s only the half --- the other half is getting it in and put away. I have to really stop and remember push the “thank you” button for being able to do that. It’s kind of hard when Buster is pushing his way between my legs to check every bag for something for him.

298. Watching a Blue Jay pull off a new oak leaf and jam it into a nest ---- right over my head. How in the world did he sneak that nest building right under (or above, I should say) my nose???? I now have a cardinal, flycatcher, wren, and blue jays all settling in and planning families.

299. A shirt full of teeny weeny kittens. We don’t need more kittens, but there they were. I picked them all up, made a little “sling” out of the bottom of my tee shirt, and I just looked into those eyes. It’s always the eyes that get me. . ..

300. Peeling another million potatoes and boiling eggs for Sunday night supper after church. I’m becoming a pro peeler!
301. Grace that is always greater than my sin. Like my faucet washing them all . . . . Away. . . Gone . . .down the drain. . . Can’t get them back.

302. Incredible Sunday morning service! Pastor’s sermon was from Jeremiah, where God promises the eventual end to the old covenant of law and lists and the priesthood who would give and interpret the law, etc., and the new law which would be written on our hearts with the forgiveness of sins and how He would remember our sins no more. I remember being about 20 years old and in my third year at Bible school. Law and Grace was the class. A whole semester of studying law and grace, Galatians, Romans, and all that went with it. I didn’t get it. Little by little, over many, many years, I finally got it.
Why couldn’t I have heard this 20 minute sermon 40 years ago???? Thank you, Lord for a Pastor who can give understanding to the simplest of people ---- like me!

303. And all those who finally got it and who knelt at the altar and were freed from those horrible lists and laws and rules and struggles of trying on their own to make it into Heaven!!!

304. The cross. That it still has the power to reach anyone and cleanse sin.

305. That He remembers them no more! If only I could forget them like He does!

306. Watching a small child walk up to the band in church holding her harmonica and joining them during the song service. Didn’t matter that she really can’t play. Didn’t matter that she just played one note. The joy on her face lit up mine --- and everyone else’s!

307. New life. First baby cardinal has hatched. You would have thought I had a baby myself!!!

308. To hear God’s whisper of “Peace! Be still” to the troubling, churning waters of my soul.

309. Jello. That good old stand by that’s all jiggly, clear and clean looking with chunks of pineapple and manderin oranges. I forgot about jello. Hadn’t made it for years!

310. Learning the historical meaning of Easter. I had no idea it all came from the worship of the goddess Oestra. She found a wounded bird, and with her powers, it turned into a giant rabbit. This rabbit made Oestra angry and she didn’t love it anymore. The rabbit went away, but came back once a year. On that day, he moved through the land very quickly, laying colored eggs all over the place (remember, he used to be a bird!). Later, as Christianity spread, they changed the name to Easter, and incorporated some of the practices of easter egg hunts, bunnies, etc., into our Resurrection day. So now you know the rest of the story!

If you would like to read the lists of others who are journaling their graces and gratitudes, click here:

Please pray for Catherine

2011-04-15T17:29:00.001-04:00

Please pray for this sweet little girl..Catherine..who has been diagnosed with a brain tumor....so scary and sad for her and her family..her dad is a Army vet (with 4 tours in Iraq). Funds are being asked for so she and her family can go to Sea World as she's always wanted to go...before her sight is gone....She's only 12 years old..
You can read more about Catherine and her family, where to donate, etc. on Nancy's blog ...Please pray for a miracle, comfort and healing for her and her family as this has been devastating for them as you can imagine.....

Let's All Help Vicky

2011-04-14T08:28:00.010-04:00

Vicky Westra is a beautiful young lady who is happily married, who loves raising her little family, who fits the part beautifully as "hocky mom", and. . . now has to take the journey through breast cancer treatments. Diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, we are rallying around like a bunch of busy bees, momma angels, protective bears, and warrior soldiers, all ready to fight like girls do and hold this beautiful woman up right to the victory line.

Me? I MAKE these angels. You? You can BUY the angels! Vicky? SHE gets the money.

These angels are made from breast cancer fabrics, hankies, quilt pieces, quilt tops, and a variety of laces. They measure about 6" long and 3 inches at the wingspan. They come with hangers (like for ornaments) but these can be cut off, a pin backing attached. Several people have used them pinned on their shirts in the Breast Cancer walks, or used them at fund raisers, etc. They also make great additions to handmade cards, etc.

You can purchase these angels with one click through Paypal. You will get two angels for $5.00. Here are the first ones ready to go. Order early! I'll be listing different styles during the next few days.

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Please feel free to link up with me, make a post on your blog, whatever you can, to spread the word! Thank you so much!!!!

Counting Gifts - Week of April 11, 2011

2011-04-11T09:16:00.005-04:00

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. -- Hebrews 12:2

I continue to look for gifts and blessings that the Lord continually sends my way, and in doing so, it ultimately lifts my eyes to Him, who gives us all things freely. Join with me as I share all that I found this week. . . .

226. Watching a group of vultures pull a dead animal off the road into the yard. They begin to pull, peck, rip while two stand back and guard their dinner. Oh Lord, please don’t let me die outside!!!!! I don’t want to be plucked apart like that!!!! It’s amazing, though, how quickly they can clean up the mess.

227. Bean plants sending out little twiney thingies looking for sticks and things to climb. It was a slow start, with some having to be replanted, but now all look healthy and promising for lots of beans!

228. Waking up to thunder and a slow, drizzly rain.

229. Birds who seem to have gotten used to being wet and just shake it off.

230. Baby squirrels peeking out of their houses with long faces as rain pours down around them.

231. Buster at my feet, head on the window sill, thinking abut rain. .. More rain!

232. Coffee. The sounds a pot makes when it’s DONE!

233. A down day and then the encouragement with a question: Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. Psalm 43:5

234. Disappointment. Learning that when He says No does not mean He does not love me.

235. A lap harp, of all things!!!! I may never be an accomplished musician, but this I figured out in minutes! Delusions of grandeur???? The best part is the eagle! A hand-carved eagle in the middle of this. . . Thing! A few years ago, as I journeyed through the valley of breast cancer, a dear friend constantly reminded to rise on the wings of eagles. It had boiled down to one word “WINGS”. That’s all she had to say, and I knew. . .! So today, I’m reminded again that if I just wait on the Lord, I shall rise up on the wings of eagles.

236. The cry of peacocks in the distance. The sound carries on a cool, clear spring night.

237. Early morning rays of sunlight shining like little spotlights through the trees on bright pink roses.

238. Shivery cool sunny morning after days of cloudy rain.

239. Choices I CAN make that CAN make a difference in my day: like joy instead of irritableness, trust instead of worry, others instead of self, smile instead of frown.

240. Acceptance of things I CANNOT change, knowing they come from Him -- and what comes from Him will always be for my good.

241. Never tiring of the thought of grace. Grace that brought me safe thus far. . .

242. The smell of a roast cooking in the crockpot. Even better when it’s the free one. 243. You know, the “buy one get one free” deal. Some divide up the cost, making each half price --- me??? I like thinking one was FREE! It tastes better somehow that way! And since this particular one has jumped out of the freezer and hit my toe one too many times, it HAD to go!

244. The smell of potatoes as I wash them. Like earth. Brown, wet dirt. Like just-dug-up fresh potatoes.

245. Sound of motorcycles going down my street. A reminder to pray for my pastor and all that is going on in his life right now.

246. “See how big the tree has grown. . .” Couldn’t help but notice that a tree I had planted as a stick a few years ago just took off like there’s no tomorrow! Just beautiful!

247. Wisteria vine all lush and plump after shedding its blooms. And did I never notice before. . . Hundreds of little “beans” or pods hanging on the vines. Too cool!!!!

248. Talking with big sister on Skype! Isn’t that just the best thing??? -- Who would have ever thought that we could sit and see each other, talk --- for free!!!

249. The sound of Amazing Grace in the background. Never get tired of hearing it. Grace. . . For ME! Always more. . .Always amazing!

250. Coffee with my nephew. Always so good to see him again when he comes to visit his Mom.

251. Buster’s excitement when I bring in the mail. Didn’t know why, until I saw a little package from Nancy. Buster just knew. . . . And so did I. We ripped it open together and there was a new toy (which is now named, “little toy”) and some chewies. Nancy has been Buster’s “pen pal” since I got him, sending handmade blankies, toys, and most of all, her love and encouragement and confidence that he would make it through puppy hood. He has carried that “little toy” all over the place, slept with it, slobbered all over it. Love it!

252. Bags of trash in the dumpster. How in the world do I make so much trash???? One thing nice about living out in the country --- nice big dumpster. We share one with four families, and it makes getting rid of “stuff” so much easier.

253. Sharing a crisp, sweet apple with a friend.

254. Watching little eaglet hatch. I’ve been following this live cam for weeks, and #3 has hatched. I was cheering him on and was just amazed. The end got me, when Momma so gently nestled down on all three of her young un’s. Alone, way up there in that cold wind -- there was a tenderness there, and I felt myself under the wings of the Almighty, all safe, warm, and protected from storms. I’ve watched her get rained on, snowed on, heard the wind blowing through her feathers, but there she stays, always, always all for her babies!!!

255. Fellowship with hungry believers at Thursday Night Bible Study.

256. A Pastor whose passion is to teach God’s Word so his flock will never be deceived and led astray.

257. The person who brings all the bakery goods left over from the local grocery store. All the wonderful breads, pies, pasteries, cakes, etc. It is such a blessing and help for those who are struggling in these hard times. For me tonight? I broke down and brought home a sugarless blueberry pie.

258. Sounds of the washing machine going through it’s cycles.

259. In reorganizing my cupboards, I realize how blessed I am with extra food -- always more than enough. I am so guilty of complaining of “having nothing to eat.” Forgive me, Father, when there are so many right now going hungry.

260. Cucumbers that seem to be growing before my eyes!

261. Leftovers. No cooking tonight. Leftover potroast, baked potato, and green beans from my garden that I froze last summer. Just too good!

262. Learning a new song. “Paint your Picture” was playing on someone’s blog last week as I made the rounds of gratitude lists. To me, it was one of those songs that just doesn’t leave you. If I’ve listened to it once, I’ve listened a hundred times. If you’ve gotten this far in reading my list today, you’ve probably already heard it playing.

263. Discovering a bird’s nest built right under my nose in some old, dead vines. I was getting ready to pull them all down. . . . I just can’t!!! It’s so tiny. . .!!!

264. Finding a way to help someone in need!

265. A friend helping me peel mountains of potatoes for potato salad tomorrow.

266. A big, meaty sub for lunch. Haven’t had one in what seems like ages. It’s been yogurt and a little cereal for a million lunches in a row. I wanted real food just once!

267. Smiles from a happy bagger who pushed my cart and loaded my car.

268. A most beautiful necklace found in my mailbox. A ribbon. . . A pink stone. . . All surrounded by the engraved words, “By Grace Alone.” God’s Grace gift appropriately arriving on the two year anniversary of finishing treatments. A forever reminder that it IS by His grace alone that I am here, that I have today -- another day to see ALL His grace gifts poured down on me! Thank you, Lord!

269. The privilege of blessing someone -- only to be blessed so much more in return.

270. The absolute joy of hearing Ella Mae sing, “Tell it to Jesus.” How often do you get to hear a 90 year old, frail little lady sing??? I don’t think there was a dry eye in the church tonight. She walked slowly up to the piano with her walker, sat on the bench, picked up the microphone, and just . . .sang! I’ll never forget it.

271. Marty! A moment in time to give and receive a hug -- a moment in eternity as I saw Jesus in his eyes -- a moment of sharing a vision, seeing what he sees, seeing the next step.

Every week, hundreds of "gift counters" gather together at Ann VonKamp's website, A Holy Experience, and post their links to their weekly lists of gifts. It's an awesome experience to read all of these. It becomes a contagious thing -- this gift counting. And I always go away smiling with a heart that is lighter and a song on my lips. Join us, won't you? Just click the link below:

By Grace Alone

2011-04-10T12:38:00.003-04:00

April 10 will always be a special day for me. A day of celebration, a day of contemplation, and . . .one of rededication. Two years ago today, I finished the last of treatments for breast cancer. I remember walking out those huge, heavy glass doors. I was happy it was over. THANKFUL it was over!!! But there was an uneasiness there. I've since found out that EVERY gal that goes through this has the same feeling: Is this it? No more? I'm just supposed to go on? And all the "what if's" flood in. I had been clinging to doctors and nurses and radiologists and technicians and trusting them to poison me, cut me up, burn me to a crisp, and then pat me on the back and pretty much say, "see ya!" The walk down that sidewalk was a hard one.

Since that day, my heart has changed. Through all the struggles, doubts and fears the Lord has taught me much -- most of which I've posted here over the years. I've learned that each day is a gift -- no -- each day is FULL of gifts, each one a gift of His grace.

I didn't get my mail in yesterday. My mailbox was being held hostage by vultures who had pulled fresh roadkill to the side of the road. So I left it there until this morning. And this is what I found in my mailbox --- perfect in God's timing, perfect in all it means to me. If I had to write a title to my life this is what it would be! By Grace Alone.

Flowers that Speak

2011-04-09T09:19:00.006-04:00

Henry Ward Beecher said:
"What a pity flowers can utter no sound.
A singing rose,
A whispering violet,
A murmuring honeysuckle --
Oh, What a rare and exquisite miracle would these be!"

I don't think Mr. Beecher was listening, because mine DO speak.

Roses sing a song that praises their Creator for light and warmth of sunshine, gentle rains, the strength of branches that hold them high, for rich perfume the ascends like insence to the throne of God, for thorns. . .Yes, thorns. And the rose speaks and says, "Because of my thorn my strength is made perfect in weakness."

The violet whispers soft, and those who would hear bend their knee to listen. She is small and fragile, no branches for support, no hiding place from storms, no strong voice to warn against heavy, crushing footsteps. Yet in the crushing, her fragrance is released, but she is not broken. Slowly, she raises her head again and looks into the heavens and to the one who created her and whispers, "For you, Lord. Only for You!"

The honeysuckle murmurs as she hangs in a most unlikely place -- an old fence line, a dead tree, an unattended wall. So many of us, all alike, crowding in and pushing ever upwards towards the heavens. Yet, look! It is our numbers that make us strong, it is in many that our fragrance reaches far. It is each of our soft, murmuring song blended together that makes us strong like an angelic choir. We sing softly to those who build their nests with our vines. We cover and protect. We bloom, and raise our faces to the One who placed us here.

My flowers speak to me. Have you listened to yours lately?

What does your life speak today? A verse that came to mind for me is Psalm 27:4 --
One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple.

Real Friends

2011-04-08T11:57:00.002-04:00

"To know someone here or there
with whom you can feel there is understanding
in spite of distances
or thoughts unexpressed --
that can make this life a garden."

Thank you, Lord, for giving me some of these. Thank you for sweet words in emails and cards, for the different fragrances each one leaves behind. Thank you for smiles that don't need words, for hugs that speak volumes, for hands that squeeze tight in prayer. Thank you for flowers blooming in my heart's garden today!

Counting Gifts - Week of April 4, 2001

2011-04-04T08:29:00.007-04:00

The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
~Henry Ward Beecher

Another week has passed, and once again, I had no problems seeing the grace gifts that the Lord pours out upon me. Sometimes they come too fast and I miss writing them down. I strain to remember, but they are gone. I'm thinking I need a little recorder with me. But this is the best I could do as I continue with Multitudes on Mondays -- joining Ann VonKamp's group of gift counters:

180. Answers to come.

181. Pouring rain -- Buster wondering if he gets to play outside today.

182. Sounds of thunder, instant bursts of light from lightening, heavy branches dripping, veggies growing right before my eyes.

183. Hot tea and a fresh roll with apple butter.

184. No air conditioner, no heat running. Seems like we went from freezing to HOT over night --- either that, or I have a very narrow comfort zone. But today is a “free day” --- one I don’t have to pay for to be comfortable!

185. Hitting pot holes on my road of faith. Isn’t it true that just as we think we are gaining ground in our journey of faith that something comes along and we hit the “ker-plunk” of the pot hole! It’s in these moments that I can only pray for more grace to trust, more faith to see, and that the next time I travel this road, the pot holes will be filled.

186. He remains faithful, regardless of how my faith may falter!

187. All that concerns me, He cares about even more!

188. Supper! Baked chicken, oven roasted veggies.

189. Branches that drooped yesterday from heavy rains now lifting their hands toward the sun again.

190. Roses! How is it limbs will break off and fall in these rains, but the delicate rose petals hang in there through it all and are just as beautiful as before?

191. A squirrel carrying a mouthful of nesting material to some secret hideout of hers. She wouldn’t let me see where. I waited and waited, but she had more time than I did and I left.

192. Owl poopy all over my sidewalk! He’s BACK!!!!! Every night he sits there, watching the security light for big moths and other things that go “boo” in the night.

193. Walking to the mailbox for my mail. I’m a counter. I count my steps wherever I go. It’s 65 steps from my door to my mailbox, and I always love the trip. I pass a tree that is VERY dead, and I love seeing all the work that is being done by the woodpeckers. Holes are everywhere. I won’t need to have this one taken down as it is coming down piece by piece.

194. Blackberry bushes full of blossoms. I want more bushes!!! Last year I planted 4 new plants and they took off. I didn’t know what to expect this year after winter passed. But there they are, full of new leaves, new growth and blossoms.

195. Honeysuckle!!! I’m saying “thank you” only because over the years, it has been a beautiful site along my fenceline. It has worn out its welcome, and I want it gone. I want my fence back for other, more useful things, like more blackberries. Anyone know how to get rid of honeysuckle????? It’s taken over!

196. Reading countless lists of gratitude at 3:00 am. Couldn’t sleep, but it was worth it! LOVE these lists.

197. MORE rain!

198. Tree that woodpecker was working on fell last night. He had pecked holes at a level of about 4 feet up from the ground. That’s right where it split and went down. Free tree felling!!!

199. Birds that don’t mind asking (demanding) their daily meal!

200. Watching carrot peelings fly as I peel a pile for my beans. I find it a bit funny that, though I have a bowl in the sink to catch my peels, most end up around the bowl, not IN it.

201. The smell of beans cooking on the stove. Great Northerns with a hunk of ham, lots of onions, lots and lots of carrots. . . . I’m lovin’ it already.

202. Stains coming out of a good blouse. Grease!!!! Dish detergent worked wonders on that one.

203. Scared little kitten huddling under the car trying to keep dry. Loud meows of protest to Momma cat.
Where in the world has this fur ball been hiding out?

204. More rain and this time, a little wind with it. A final cleansing of all old leaves left on the oaks. They are falling, all brown and wet, covering the driveway like a carpet.

205. Buster watching and “smelling” the rain. He just loves to sit on the porch with his nose high in the air sniffing. I wonder, what does rain smell like to a dog? I asked him, but I guess he’s not telling.

206. Eating beans! No fuss, no frills, just good, healthy beans!

207. Feet hanging off the side of the bed and Buster finding them. He uses my toes as a back scratcher and walks back and forth under them.

208. Waking up to sunshine -- rays of first morning light streaming clean and bright through the trees east of the house. After days of rain and dark, damp chill, it looked so beautiful!

209. Remembering that the sun is ALWAYS there, behind the clouds.

210. First calls of the flycatcher. I only hear one so far, calling for a mate. All houses are taken here --- I need more bird houses!!!!

211. Ponderings: I don’t sleep well at night, and my mind starts going down all these rabbit trails. It’s when lots of stuff gets questioned, chewed on and solved. Last night’s trail settled into a campsite of wondering what is the difference between hope and faith. Is there any difference? Of course, Hebrews 11:1 came to mind: “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. . .” and suddenly I realized I knew nothing about a verse I thought I knew everything about. I’ve always thought hope was a few rungs below faith on the ladder of importance. Hope -- like “maybe yes, maybe no, but I hope it’s yes” -- this type of “iffy” feeling in the word. Faith, I thought was concrete. An “it is so” type of firm stand. So what are your thoughts here?

212. Simple lunches: yogurt and cereal.

213. A friend who reminded me of Laura Story’s song, Blessings. I just have to get that CD when it comes out!

214. Tomato plants coming up everywhere!!!! Wouldn’t you know! Last year, I couldn’t get a decent tomato at all. Most ended up on the compost pile. They made wonderful compost ------ and all the seeds are now coming up wherever I used the compost!!!!!! Leave it to God to show me that it is HE who made these things, NOT ME! I’m carefully, with much prayer, transplanting some of them to their own pots!!!!

215. Supper. One of those suppers where you didn’t plan anything, but somehow it all came together. My mustard greens were starting to flower as the sun shone on them today, So I picked all that was left. Quite a handful, I might add. Added to that some fresh picked spinach and cooked those up. Meantime, I had yellow squash in the fridge and didn’t want that to go to the compost pile, so I made a casserole with onions, green peppers, cheese, sour cream, etc. Topped it with those French fried onions. And, of course, some left over beans from yesterday. It was the best of suppers --- even though this “crabby gourmet” was muttering. See??? God sends His gifts in the very places I tend to gripe the most! Isn’t that just like Him to do that???

216. A song in the night. I couldn’t sleep. So here I sit in the stillness of the night. I just can’t believe that this mockingbird never EVER shuts up! It’s 3:00 am. And to join the chorus, there is a rooster crowing and a dove cooing. I had to smile --- it made me turn on my own music.

217. Chicken. Chicken everywhere ---- all over my counters! I went to Sav-A-Lot grocery store today, because I saw their advertisement for chicken leg quarters. Get this: $.39 a pound. I got 30 pounds of chicken for what --- $11.70???? I have no room in the freezer right now, so I’m baking it ALL, taking it off the bones, etc., and freezing in small packages. A day’s work ahead of me. But THANK YOU, LORD!!!!

218. The man who saw the ten pound bag of chicken slide off the bottom of my cart in the parking lot and brought it to me and put it in my car! There are still some nice people out there!

219. Lots of other savings, like big cans of coffee for $4.89. I think I got enough today food for several months of eating.

220. Prescriptions refilled. Every month I am amazed that such a HUGE gift can come in such a LITTLE, TINY bottle. I take Arimidex, a hormone inhibitor, since I had the type of breast cancer that feeds on hormones. If I had to pay each month, it would $479.00 a month. (Nope, that was NOT a typo there!!!!). As I drive away with my tiny little bottle with those 30 tiny little white pills, I have no words ---- just a sighed prayer of thanks to an ABBA Father who worked that all out for me.

221. A hotdog for lunch. Have you ever had one of those cravings that send you out on a treasure hunt????? This was one. I got my favorite hotdogs at the store today, but they had no rolls. What a dog with no roll?! So I thought, no problem --- I’ll stop at a convenience store on the way home and get some. NO ROLLS! I think I pass about 6 on my journey and it was the last one that ONE package left. I grabbed it like it was the last piece of bread on earth. But it made it taste even better!

222. Chicken! Did I mention chicken????? I’m up to my neck in chicken. It’s ALL cooked. I baked it all -- all 30 lbs of it. I feel I’m covered in chicken grease (so is my stove, my floor, everything I touched, etc). But this is how it turned out: After cooking, taking all the meat off the bones, etc., I ended up with 20 cups of chicken meat. (Might have been more, but Buster faithfully waited for a bite from each bone!) So it turned out to be quite a few meals for my $11.70, don’t you think?

223. A great Sunday Morning Service.

224. Great dinner at Applebee’s with my sister.

225. Quietness of sunset. One by one, the birds find their way home. Songs are finished til morning comes again. One lone cardinal comes for one last bite before bedtime.

If you would like to read the lists of others who are also counting, you can find them by clicking the link below:

Blessings in Disguise

2011-04-01T19:02:00.000-04:00

This song just says it all!!!

Counting Gifts -- Week of March 28, 2011

2011-03-28T09:50:00.005-04:00

"I remember the days of old,
I think about all Your deeds,
I meditate on the works of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
my soul thirsts for You like a parched land.
Let me hear of Your steadfast love in the morning,
for in You I put my trust.
Teach me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul."
Psalm 143: 5,6,8

I have gone back to these verses many times this past week. They so perfectly give the progression of the heart that SEES. To remember and think about what He has done, to stretch out open hands for more. . . it all brings me full circle to want more, to hear more, to trust more, to follow closer. . . and to lift my soul to Him in gratitude, worship and praise. And so the list continues. . .

131. Veggie plants still growing --- I haven’t killed them off yet.

132. An always smiling, happy UPS lady.

133. Peach iced tea and my old rocker on the porch. I’m sounding so old!!!! I remember as a kid thinking only old ladies sat on their porches, doing nothing but rocking back and forth. How did I get here so quickly?

134. Watching Buster with his “big blue ball”. He’s had it since the very first day I got him. He still attacks it, runs with it, taunts me with it, and runs some more.

135. God’s patience as I learn to be thankful. As I learn to SEE thankful. As I learn to pray thankful.

136. An email of encouragement from a friend. Load-lifter, burden bearer, bright light in a dark corner, a hand that pulls me along when I’d rather hang back.

137. Reading. I had almost given up. I always loved to read, always had a book. But something seemed to affect my ability to concentrate and I gave up. Perhaps chemo, I don’t know. But I’m so thankful to be reading again. Learning, studying. . .all a passion of mine.

138. A new book --- really, an OLD book --- called, The Valley of Vision. It is a book of Puritan Prayers and Devotions. I will admit and confess to you, I’m a nosey person. If I see a book in your hands, or on your table, or in a picture, I want to know what it is, is it good, and I want to read it. I saw this book in a picture on one of the days of Ann’s postings over at Holy Experience. I think she also quoted a few lines from it.
Strange that I would say this, but I don’t often read books of prayers, or memorize someone else’s prayer, etc. I say “strange” because most of my own personal writings, poems, etc., are words from my heart directly aimed at Heaven and God’s ears. Why would I not read the prayers of others???? So I began. One by one by one, I felt as if I were being taken to the very Throne of Grace. If it be true that we learn to pray by hearing others pray, then, Oh Lord, open my ears and teach me as I read these.

139. Thank you, My Father, for prayer. For listening. For asking me to come. For hearing prayers as short as, “Wow, Lord, did You see that?!” all the way to the soulful, tearful, unending cries of my heart.

140. Thank you for teaching me Who and What you are. Abba -- Daddy! El Elyon -- the Most High God, and all Your most precious Names. What a profound, unique way to teach your children who and what and where you are --- names that describe You, what you are like, what you can do, and how you relate to to me.
Today, I call you El Roi -- the God who sees ME. Sees me as I am in my imperfections, my fears, my lack of trust, my stumbling, my fumbling ways. The God who sees it all, and still -- again and again -- bends down and whispers “It is I who sees you, who will pick you up, and open your eyes to see ME.”

141. A sunset beyond beautiful -- beyond any that I’ve ever seen. There it was, as It turned into my street, the biggest ball of flaming red sinking slowly in the west and into the Gulf.

142. Endless singing of birds! Am I just more aware of it this year or do we just have VERY happy birds this year? Cardinals, Mockingbirds, titmice, chicadees, wrens -- add a few woodpeckers, a crow here and there. . . It’s never ending!

143. Spinach! Last year, I tried growing some New Zealand Spinach. I know, it’s not REALLY spinach. But it is supposed to be close, and it’s supposed to grow in warmer climates ---- hence, my trying it here in Florida. It grew last year, but very slowly, and I lost interest in the heat of summer, etc. I left it in it’s pot like a left over weed. This spring, I dumped the pot of dirt into the wheelbarrow, mixed in new compost, dirt, etc. and filled another pot. Before I could plant something new, the spinach came back. Not only came back, but filled out this HUGE pot with lush happy branches. And it’s perfect ---- almost like a silk plant. I’ve already cut it once and loved it raw in my salad. But here it is, hanging all over my pot and ready to be cut again. Now I wish I had planted more.

144. The never ending drumming of a determined woodpecker. Sweet little thing! Turning a dream of a new home into a headache and a reality!

145. Digging in my trash for cans I threw out yesterday. I want to make Tammy’s bread, all baked up nice in cans. You can find her post here:
http://simplesouthernhappiness.blogspot.com/2011/03/bread-in-can-no-silly-not-bathroom.html

146. Skype call with big sister!

147. Coffee with little sister!

148. It’s official. Came in writing in the mail that mammogram is normal. I figured that no call from the Dr. was good news, but . . . I just wanted to know . . . For sure. I say I trust. “Oh for grace to trust You more!”

149. I mourn the loss of three who recently lost their fight with this dreaded disease. But I am thankful for their brave and heroic fight, their fearless hearts, their faith and their grace. And in my thankfulness for my gift of another day, I look for more. . .all around me. . . More graces, more gifts, clearer vision. I wonder, did I live worthy of this day? Worthy of the gifts given to me freely and abundantly?

150. Looking back. Where I came from. All the way back to memories of my grandmother’s basement apartment. I could still hear her yelling, “Don’t slam the. . . .” as the screen door with the spring went BANG! Back to hiding in large, dark closets, back to hiding my fears. All the way back, looking at my footprints as they journeyed on . . . On to the cross. And I ask why? Why choose ME? Why wear a crown of thorns for me? Oh love, that wilt not let me go. . . .

151. My “littles” in life -- all the things that seem “everyday, take-for-granted” things. Like dish soap, sugar for my coffee, finding the right sized lid to the right sized pot, remembering to buy laundry detergent, ink in the printer, and enough shampoo for one more shower (please, Lord, don’t let me forget on the next trip out!)

152. Did I mention Spinach??? I picked enough for dinner, along with more mustard greens. Just the best ever! Even Buster likes it, silly dog.

153. Good news! REALLY good news! A friend who was going through all kinds of tests because Dr.s thought her Breast Cancer had returned, got her results back. NO CANCER! Thank you, Lord! When I had not heard sooner, I feared the worst! I am NOT good at waiting. I did continue to pray, though, even through my doubting and worst of fears. Why do I just see the Lord smiling right now with a “Will she ever learn” type of look on His face.

154. Watching tiny Sycamore leaves growing bigger every day.

155. Watching squirrel pulling on tiny Sycamore leaves and eating them!!!!!

156. Putting out seed for hungry squirrel!

157. (Next morning) Squirrel sitting in empty feeder threatening to rip more tiny leaves if I don’t hurry with more seed!!!!

158. The sound of my coffee maker dripping. Not sure which I like better, the sound of an old perc coffee pot on the stove or the automatic drip. My Aunt Jen made the best coffee in her little aluminum perculator pot on the stove! Years back, my sister always used a glass one. Me? I’ve either bought it out or used the automatic drip. Never learned the art of true coffee making!

159. A meaningful Bible study continuing in I Peter 2 with a chocolate chip cookie.

160. Fellowship with people who bring chocolate cookies and who are eager to hear God’s word and do what it says.

161. All that I have is all that I need.

162. Knowing that tomorrow, if there is anything else that I need, He will see to it that I have it.

163. Streams of sunlight through the trees bring birds who awaken with a song. Always a song first. . . Then check the feeders. Where did I hear that before????? Give Thanks BEFORE the blessing????

164. Macaroni salad. All mixed up with sun-dried tomatoes, celery, onions, relish, eggs, mayo, relish, mustard -- touch of cayenne pepper. . . .I’m in Heaven!

165. Pan fried pork chops, saurkraut all sautéed with bacon, apples, and apple juice.

166. Green. Everything is green. That new, fresh, springtime green. Do we just get used to it as summer comes on, or does the green change? It’s just so. . . . .GREEN right now!

167. Little chips of wood floating to the ground! I look up and there he is. A little downy woodpecker has pecked a hole in the tree. He’s gone far enough to be totally inside, flinging out unwanted “stuff.” Wood chipper for free!

168. A week of devotionals that are delivered in my email box. They are taken from the book by Ann Spangle about the Names of God. This week, they were about The Bright and Morning Star. I went back several times and reread this particular week.

169. Fellowship and worship with believers.

170. Finding out my sister has read 1000 Gifts and is counting.

171. Music night at our church. Once a month, “music night” alternates where we have it -- either our church or another “sister” church in our area. We were the hosts last night. The church was full, the music was great!
Add to that, a baptism. Perhaps one of my favorite services to witness. It always reminds me of the day I was baptized, reminds me of my own confession of faith. But to hear the testimonies of others is just wonderful. I love the stories of others -- where they’ve been, how they came to know the Lord, their growth and desire to follow Him. Tonight was special --- two men I’ve come to know and respect greatly were baptized.

172. Good food and fellowship afterwards.

173. Jello salad that didn’t set in time. More for me on Monday.

174. Making roasted potatoes, carrots and onions with sausage and a bunch of deviled eggs. Isn’t it always the way ----- just when you are taking eggs to a church function, you get a batch that just won’t peel pretty??? NOT a good thing for the “crabby gourmet” here. Buster got a good amount of eggs yesterday!

175. Waking up to rain! It’s been so dry here lately. And I didn’t listen to the weather reports over the weekend, so it was truly “showers of blessings.” Nothing better than the sound of a slow rain and the dripping off the roof.

176. Tree bark that turns all dark when wet, set against the bright clean and shiny green leaves of spring.

177. Squirrels that seem to know there are little rivers of water flowing down in between the bark. It’s so cute to see them hanging on, getting little drinks with cupped hands. And watching them instinctively run for the underside of a branch when it rains too hard. Nature’s umbrella!

178. The sound of splashing puddles as cars fly down the street.

179. Inspiration and thoughts of obediently following:

To bend the knee and have to put it down,
to pick up thorns to weave a painful crown,
to cast aside a jewel for nails placed in my hand --
His way is best, and better than I planned!"

To leave behind that which is not a cross,
to count as gain what seems a heavy loss,
to bear the scars of wounds from long ago --
His way is best, it’s all I need to know.

To choose to stay, to burn within the flame;
see! gold comes forth to glorify His name.
Unnoticed, cast aside are ashes cold --
dreams I longed to keep but could not hold.

Tears that burn, but still I choose to sing;
blistered feet yet still, I’m following --
Stepping in His footprints in the sand --
His way is best, and better than I planned.
--Cora

There is nothing better than going from blog to blog and reading the lists that others are keeping. I feel that I'm standing in one big, continual shower of blessings that I just never saw before. You can find all these gratitude counters at Ann's blog, A Holy Experience, by clicking on the following link:

I am, I think, I Know. . .

2011-03-27T15:28:00.001-04:00

I am, I think, I know,.....

I am: A two year survivor (no WARRIOR) of Breast Cancer.
I think: about food all the time.
I know: less and less every day. I learn more about what I what I don’t know or what I thought I new.
I want: to be able to live so that no matter when that last day comes, my life will have counted for eternity.
I have: a hard time moving out of my comfort zones.
I dislike: when I see someone teased, belittled or bullied.
I miss: Eating anything I like and as much of it as I like and still be skinny (like when I was a kid).
I fear: Doing anything in public.
I feel: Very deeply about other‘s feelings and their pain and suffering..
I hear: Songs. Always in my head. Always the birds outside.
I smell: not anymore, I just showered.
I crave: Anything sweet. I would rather sweet than the best meat and potato dinner in the world.
I search: For my purpose in life. What God wants from me with this “second chance” at life.
I wonder: Is this it? Could it be He‘s done with me?.
I regret: Sweating all the small stuff in life. REALLY small.
I love: My roudy, misbehaved, anxiety-ridden, disobedient, self-willed Lab, Buster.
I care: About people who are hurting.
I am always: hours early.
I worry: about my tomorrows. I know I’m commanded not to. But it’s there.
I remember: almost everything from childhood.
I have: All that I need and it‘s always enough.
I dance: Never. Two left feet. They don’t move in any form of coordination.
I sing: Always. If not outloud, in my heart, but not in public. Old hymns pop in first.
I don’t always: Put on my happy face or use my inside voice.
I argue: About what‘s for dinner ---- every day.
I write: poetry. Letters then hit “delete.”
I lose: grocery lists, a lot. Keys. Tops to pans.
I wish: I could buckle down and lose the rest of this weight. I’m always on the fence.
I listen: for quiet.
I don't understand: War, abuse, killing, torture, neglect.
I can usually be found: at home or at my sister’s home.
I need: A new car.
I forget: everything. I used to have the memory of an elephant.
I am happy: A deep happy - yes. On the surface, I’m quiet, don’t smile much, and people think I’m Unhappy, mad, or depressed.

Gifts of Gratitude - Week of March 21, 2011

2011-03-21T08:30:00.008-04:00

Never lose an opportunity for seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God’s handwriting -- welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, And thank God for it as a cup of His blessing.: -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Though I feel I'm becoming much more aware of the blessings that continually pour into my life moment by moment, I'm afraid I've missed so many more. I don't write them down immediately, thinking I'll do it later because I won't forget THAT one --- and I do forget --- a blessing lost. One that I clutched in my hands for a moment but never offered my thanks or thought it worth of a moment of my time to write it down. Strange paradox going on inside of me -- the more thankful I become and the more I SEE, the more aware I am of my unthankfulness. I think of the song we used to sing every single day when I was in the third grade:

Father, we thank Thee for the night,
And for the pleasant morning light;
For rest and food and loving care,
And all that makes the world so fair.

Help us to do the things we should,
To be to others kind and good;
In all we do, in work or play,
To love Thee better day by day.

I had not thought of that little song in a million years (yeah, I'm THAT old!). But it has been going over and over in my head lately and I wondered about third grade. It was the year of huge changes in my life -- my mother died, our household increased from 5 kids to eight as my aunt came to care for us, changes in schools, etc. Hard things for an 8 year old to grasp and put into the perspective of thanks to a God who allows all things for my good. Yet, I had a teacher who taught us songs of thanks, to pray simply, and to live to be kind and good. Thank you, Miss Chilton!
And so my list continues:

99. A men’s chorus of 4 cardinals, all serenading 1 little female. I wonder if any one of these impressed her enough to set up housekeeping with. The song was beautiful, and she sat with perfect manners and listened to the end. Reminded me of the judges on American Idol!

100. A stinging hurt with questions of why? To embrace it means to hug tightly a bush full of thorns. Can I do that? I’ll have to come back to this one. It’s here -- in writing -- so I won’t forget and sweep it under the rug!

101. A gift --- from Sylvester --- my neighbor’s cat! I’m feeding him while they are away, and his thoughtful thank you gift for all my troubles was a rat. He was thoughtful enough to kill it first, and to remove the head. I’m so sorry, Cheryl. I tried. But I just COULDN’T pick it up and toss it!

102. Promise of prayers and words of encouragement from a dear friend.

103. Fresh, tender mustard greens. Weeks ago, while shopping through Lowe’s, I saw little mustard green plants. I bought 6 and planted them. I didn’t know they are considered “winter” crops here in Florida.
But I left them in anyways. We’ve had some cooler weather, so they did well. I picked as many leaves as
I could without killing off the plants, and cooked them up for supper tonight. Barely ‘nuf for one, but they were just the best ever. NOTHING like the canned, or the frozen in bags, or the bitter, old “fresh” stuff from the grocery store. This was sweet and tender. . . . Drooling good!!!!

104. And to go with my tiny serving of greens --- Harvard beets, left over diced baked potato rebaked in olive oil and seasonings, baked chicken breast. All the very best!

105. Blogs, more blogs, more lists of gratitudes. . . . All heart lifters, soul refreshers, eye fillers, and day huggers!

106. God’s constant provision from unexpected places. Answered prayer for one sends ripples of blessing to many. . . Including little old ME!

107. Sunny mornings, Buster squinting (does he need sunglasses???)

108. Finding a $100.00 Savings bond in an old book of mine. Why in the world would I put it in a book, of all places???? As if I would remember that. Can’t remember where I put my keys, no less a savings bond. But it’s been safe and unspent all these years. Like getting a gift!!! No, it IS a gift!

109. A HUGE garbage bag full of burrs pulled from my backyard. I thought I pulled them all last year. . . . Hmmmmm!!!! I was having a hard time saying thank you for this one as I was standing on my head in the hot sun pulling these little suckers, but now that I’m cooled off, I’m VERY thankful they won’t be in my feet (or Buster’s).

110. A friend who went out of their way to mail me an “absolutely, positively has to be here by Saturday” item that I needed for a gift.

111. That Jesus “let go” of everything for ME! Thank you, Craig! Isn’t it just like the Lord to bring something onto someone’s blog that just strikes you like this, and then. . . . WHAM! Like a slap on the back of my head. . . I need to let go of some things. There stands the Lord with the list. . . And a gentle, “Will you for MY sake?”

112. Pastor’s testimony of leading hard-core bikers to the Lord this week. God has given him a special gift and a special ministry to reach these guys. It is amazing and jaw-dropping to hear the stories and how God arranges it all. Even more amazing to see the depths of tenderness and concern and love in this biker/pastor’s heart.

113. Mac and cheese, meatballs and sauce. Comfort food to the max!

114. Waking up to a bird’s song --- long before sunrise. Unusual for me to be up so early. It’s light now, traffic has begun, and this guy is still singing away. Sometimes low and soft, almost like muttering to himself, other times loud and proud. I wonder how many songs he knows and which he likes best???

115. Buster’s thumping tail when he realizes I’m awake. Nothing else moves. Just wide eyes waiting and a thumping, happy tail!!! Why did I open my eyes???? He saw my eyes. I’m so loved!

116. A greater awareness of the Cross, the cost of the grace offered me, the love that embraces me.

117. Learning to keep my prayers simple, honest and “without ceasing!”

118. Learning patience while waiting for radish plants to produce radishes.

119. Having to say good-by as the wisteria blossoms drop to the ground one by one by one. This was a hard one.
I’ll have to wait a whole ‘nuther year.

120. Saying hello to unexpected roses. As hard as I try, I can’t seem to kill them off!

121. A surprise deep in the woods. A young Magnolia tree (teen age in size) had survived the unusual freezes of our winter. I couldn’t help but wonder how it got there --- I don’t think any of our neighbors have magnolia trees. One little seed one day just happened to land there and let God do His thing --- all alone and in silence where no one would notice, appreciate or give thanks! Probably years had passed with changing seasons of drought, rain, cold, warm -- never offered even a caring glance. Today it changed. I saw, I noticed, and I gave thanks. Not so much for the tree, but because I really SAW!

122. Teamwork! On my way to the grocery store, I saw two people who seemly were trying to climb a telephone pole! I recognized them immediately from church and they were putting up signs that would direct people from the community to our picnic/cookout on Sunday! I don’t know why, but it just made me start laughing. I’m not sure who ended up with the easier job --- the crabby gourmet trying to make ten pounds of potatoes into potato salad (ME), or these two climbing telephone poles!

123. Potato salad. MOUNTAINS of potatoes, LOTS of peels for the compost pile. LOTS of looking forward to tomorrow’s picnic after the morning service. LOTS of thanks to the Lord that this job was done!

124. Help of a friend cutting onions, celery, peppers, etc.

125. The most beautiful day you could EVER ask for for an after church cookout.

126. Seeing people stop by, young and old, bikers and suits, and welcomed with hugs, hot dogs, and horse rides!

127. Liz and Dan who took on a servant’s heart and joyfully went above and beyond to make today one we all will never forget.

128. Pastor’s sermon this morning! I’m not a person who shows much feeling on the outside. I was raised by very strict, Dutch parents who believed that you kept your mouth shut, your feet still, your arms by your side while in church. No “Amens”, no raised arms or hands, etc. I got many an elbow in my ribs for just crossing my legs too many times! But today? . . . . It had to rate up there as being one of those times when I felt I wanted to at least shout, YES!!!! There it was . . . Of all places, in II Kings 6:18. Elisha prayed to the Lord for his servant saying, “Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes that he may see.” And the story ends with the servant opening his eyes and seeing the horses and chariots of fire. First, I thanked the Lord for yet another conformation from Scripture of Ann’s book. Second, I asked Him to open MY eyes to see, REALLY see that He is always there in every situation. Third, I asked that somehow, no matter how hard or difficult it may be, that I would be changed through each one.

129. For sweet fellowship and the testimony of a lady’s love for the Lord. Hardships beyond that I could ever
Comprehend, yet a trust and thankful heart for all that God has done for her.

130. The grace of deep cleansing and the love of forgiveness. Over and over again. Always given. But at such a price!

There are hundreds of people who just keep counting the gifts they have learned to see in the moments of their lives. I've found it the most soul-lifting experience to read these lists. .. . perhaps you would like to read them too! You will a list of these gift counters by cliking on the link:

Gratitudes and Gifts on Mondays

2011-03-14T08:37:00.008-04:00

Give your life away in exchange for many lives, give away your blessings to multiply blessings, give away so that many might increase, and do it all for the love of God. Ann VonKamp from her blog entry 3/10/11

I spent more time than I should have traveling from one blog to another reading the multitudes of gratitudes lists posted each Monday. I’m so glad I did. I have read of broken hearts that somehow found the grace to thank the Lord,. I have read of hard situations and times of struggles that praised God over and over for strength and courage and provisions. I have read of happy, good times, times of growth, times of doubt, times of fun. All with hundreds and hundreds gratitudes offered up to the Lord. It’s been an amazing week for me. My faith has deepened greatly, my eyes seem to be open wider and the doom and gloom blurry haze seems lifted to where I can see --- really SEE --- the goodness of the Lord in all things, and my hands have loosened from a clenched fist to being at least a little open and ready to receive “all things” as good gifts from His hand. And so I continue to share my list, giving credit to Him because “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17

69. Lunch! A mixture of leftovers. A little baked potato, a little spam, some pepper cheese, fresh eggs. Oh, I just didn’t want to break those beautiful, fresh eggs. They were so pretty. But lunch was even better all baked together!!!!

70. Bird seed. The whole neighborhood of my feathered friends must stand watch and pass the word quickly. I’m no sooner back in the house and there they are -- splashes of red, blue, gray, brown --- each looking for their favorites on this free for all, all you can eat, buffet!

71. Mailman. A smile as bright as his shiny blue truck. Always remembers. . . . Always asks how I’m doing, waiting for a REAL answer. . . Always willing to bring my mail to the door, remembering days when I couldn’t make it all the way to the mailbox and back.

72. Catbird. I don’t see him often, as he’s skiddish and a loner. But today, he had one thing on his mind. I guess there was a bug in my wisteria. Mr. Catbird had NO appreciation for the beauty of my flowers, but rather, one by one, plucked the blooms off and let them drift with the breezes. He finally found his lunch and was on his way. So I’m minus one cluster of flowers. It was worth watching this guy find his free lunch.

73. Struggles that make me stronger.

74. Doubts that make me dig until faith is sure.

75. The BEST quesadillas!!! (how in the world do you spell those things???) Sauteed onions and peppers, add pieces of cooked turkey. Heat through. Mix up shredded cheese (the kind with the hot peppers in it), dried cranberries and a smidge of honey. Put flour tortillas on cookie sheet, spread onion/turkey mixture on each, then top with cheese/cranberry mixture. Put another tortilla on top. Place in oven and cook till cheese melts. The absolute best!!!!

76. A Skype session with my sister! Always a guaranteed laugh, big smiles, and great conversation. Even Buster made his face known, climbing up on my shoulder and smooching while looking at his face on the screen!

77. Breakfast out with another sister. Stopped at Lowe’s for eggplant plants then wondered WHY???? A good breakfast, then the grocery store.

78. Squeaking of a new toy for Buster! Always a good day when a new toy is found in the grocery bag.

79. Learning how to pray for someone, when you really don’t know what to pray for. I need to give credit here to someone who posted about this a few days ago, but I have no idea where I was, what blog it was on, or whether I read it in a book or what! All I remember, I jotted down, “ Colossians 1 -- how to pray for someone when you don’t know what to pray for.” I knew right away this would be my next memorizing challenge.

80. Small, tiny sycamore leaves popping out on my tree. The long, winter’s nap is over and it’s time. What amazes me most is how small these leaves are, yet perfectly shaped like sycamore tree leaves! They will grow quickly, keeping that shape, and will hang on for about 8 or 9 months, waving their huge hands at me constantly. A perfect shade tree, a sheltering tree, a place of bird feeders, squirrel gymnastics, a pulpit at the top for a crow to preach from. . .but most of all, a tree full of memories.

81. An unexpected gift from a very dear friend! There it was. All wrapped so beautifully in a vintage hankie. Tied with a bow. A copy of Ann’s book, 1,000 gifts. I have felt so selfish because I did NOT want to pass my copy on to anyone. I’ve been clinging to it, going back to it again and again. But now, I have a “special” one to keep and I can give mine away. Lea B! You are a treasure in my life, just as you are to so, so many! Wrapped up in you are more than 1,000 gifts, but the most cherished of all is the one called “friend.”

82. Thursday night Bible study, spilled coffee cleaned up with laughs and smiles, fellowship so sweet, new faces, new babes in Christ -- can it get any better than that?

83. Soft strumming of a guitar, Amazing Grace softly sung with a friend.

84. Morning coffee with a dear friend and neighbor. Sharing hearts, God-moments, and glimpses of “life in the rear view mirror” --- what can be better!

85. A huge, heavy box full of Bible study reference books! Some so old --- from the 1800’s. I love the smell, the yellowed pages, the quaint language. I just love holding them. But the print is soooooo small. How in the world did they read these books by candlelight?

86. French toast made with farm fresh eggs, a little butter, a little honey. . . . Oh, so good!!!!

87. Katy’s quote on her blog, “God made you as you are! He placed you where you are! So you can best serve and glorify Him just as you are, where you are.” Why do I always think a million things have to change before God can use me, that I always need to be “better”????

88. A brisk walk down a little dirt road with my sister. . . And, oh yes, Gypsy, the cat following all the way speaking her mind that we were getting much too far from home for her, titmice yelling at us to get the cat out of their territory, and the wind blowing a chill through us making us wonder if our veggies would freeze tonight???

89. Buster’s little nightmares and whimpering at my feet! Maybe they are big to him, I don’t know. He has had these since I got him as a puppy, and I hug him close every time and remind him that I’m right there. He heaves a big sigh, gives me a kiss, and goes back to sleep. Such a reminder to me to say, “What time I am afraid, I will put my trust in Thee.”
How much more He cares for me that I can ever care for Buster! (and that’s a LOT)

90. Tacos!

91. Safety and security. In light of the disaster in Japan, I was reminded today of Psalm 91 -- “HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].
I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!
For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.
[Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.” I wonder if it were me, could I sing, “It is well with my soul?”

92. Jo Ellen -- another breast cancer hero celebrates 1 ½ years since treatment! Her tender heart finds ways to encourage others going down the same horrible pathway
while still fighting herself! Thank you, JoEllen for your courage, faith, and your caring spirit!

93. No damage from frost on my little veggie plants! It reached 34 degrees last night and stopped going down. They shivered a little, but seem ok in the warming sun today.

94. The mockingbird learning new songs. It’s amazing that he does this --- sits on the same utility pole every morning and lets it all hang out. On and on he goes, one song after another. But today was the limit -- the ultimate! I thought it was the crow that wouldn’t shut up. But when I looked???? -- you guessed it --- Mr. Mockingbird has learned this one, too! One bird’s caw is another bird’s song!

95. A message of comfort and hope from a tender-hearted Pastor. To allow the Savior to touch us in all the worst of our situations of life, just as He did the leper in Matt. 8. It took me so long in life to learn about His gentle, comforting, safe touch. I tried so hard to fix everything myself. It’s only when I found myself in the situation where He was all I had that I found out that He was all I needed.

96. An email packed full to running over with encouragement and love. Someone who can just stir up the gifts within you like an old cook with a wooden spoon.

97. Watching a squirrel take a leap of faith from a branch that is just a little too far from the roof. Just barely made it --- hanging by little claws to the edges, pulling himself up.

98. A shared lunch of fish sandwiches from the drive up window at Wendys. Isn’t it neat how you just do certain things with certain friends? And this had always been our thing --- drive up windows, eating in the car, people watching, etc. It’s been a while, and it was great to sit in the warm Spring sun and enjoy a sandwich together again.

I took the time this past week to read as many of the other gratitude counters' lists as I could get to. I can truly say, I did not go away from even one unblessed. There is just something about these lists that lift your heart and cause you to soar for the day! Please click on the banner below to find all these thankful hearts:

Counting Gifts - Week of March 7, 2011

2011-03-07T09:35:00.003-05:00

I’m learning. I am SOOOOOO learning. And I’m fighting. Somewhere deep within my soul there is a war raging. So far in the past few weeks since reading this book two and a half times through, I have gone from awestruck, deeply convicted, doubting, this is for me, this is way beyond me, everything is right about this, this just can’t be right, this woman is crazy, this woman is so right on, I will do it no matter what, everything will change, nothing will change . . .. Well, you get the picture. But I can’t get away from it.

I open my Bible and there it is -- grace, thanks. I look at the cross and there it is -- all good, all grace, all for me, all the time. I look around me -- all blessings, all filtered through a hand of love, even what I don‘t understand, what I would turn from, what I would want to push away. Pastor’s sermon yesterday was out of Matthew 6, about the wise man who built his house upon the rock. Back to foundations again. Back to my life being built on God’s Word -- A Word that tells me God is love (was not that the first verse I ever learned?), God is light, and in Him is no darkness. And we CAN walk in the light, as He is in the light. And we can SEE. And no matter how fierce the storm, it’s the ROCK, all we know and believe and trust in to be true, that holds us up. He doesn’t always take away the storm, but He changes us as we stand firm on that foundation of His Word, and somehow, we come out of it all looking just a little more like Him. And so I keep on counting. . . One by one by one the gifts of grace keep piling up and I open my clenched fists a little wider to accept more. . .

40. Wild berry bushes in full bloom in the woods! I never knew they were there. I never slowed down to look and SEE! I can’t wait to go back when fruit appears. Will I beat the squirrels and birds????

41. Big holes dug in my newly planted bean gardens! Caught in the act! Isn’t it enough that I fill feeders every day? Or was he searching for the acorn he had stored away in that dirt???? Sorry, mister squirrel, I got them all out before planting my beans. Replanting today!

42. A surprise rain. Waking up to puddles, glistening grass, very green new leaves, and the smell of spring! Sunshine after rain, morning after night, add the duet of a wren and a cardinal, and you have a little bit of Heaven on earth!

43. Turning around in the post office only to find a dear friend, arms out holding a hug!

44. Taco salad for lunch!!!! Can’t get much better than that! Sorry Doc! I ate it all and it wasn’t diet! I’ll try better during the next 3 months! But for today my heart is sooooooo thankful for taco salad and for whoever invented these things!

45. Enough and a little more! He ALWAYS provides enough!

46. First signs of life on my Kiwi vines and Fig Tree! I was so sure those nasty freeze days had sucked the life out of these two and was ready to pull them out. But little green sprouts are pushing through the vines and branches and screaming, “We made it through!” I remember when I bought the Kiwi vines on an impulse last year. After planting, I read the info on these --- “may take up to 7 years before it starts producing!” Can I wait that long, tending to something that will take 6 more years??????

47. Crabby looking owl with his head all squished in his birdhouse doorway wondering what all the rucus is with the squirrels in the middle of the day!

48. Big, wet, smoochy kisses from Buster! Everyone needs a Buster in their life -- someone who thinks the world revolves around you, can’t live without you, howls and moans when you are gone. . .!!!

49. A great visit with my oncologist! (see Friday’s post). Always a time of thankfulness, gratefulness, memories, and a reminder of ALL God’s graces and goodness throughout my life. (An added thank you -- they forgot to weigh me!!!)

50. Baked potato with creamed peas. Comfort food to the max for me!!!! It had to be the BIGGEST of all potatoes I’ve ever seen. Smothered in butter, sour cream, salt, pepper. And creamed peas. . . . If you have never had them, you are missing the best of life!

51. Spam! I just KNOW most of you are going YUK! Here. But I am one of the few in the world who just loves it!!! Sliced nice and thin, fried crispy, etc. I love Spam burgers with fried onions, peppers, melted cheese on a fresh bun. I love it just on my plate with my potato and creamed peas. Any which way, I just like Spam. I can remember back “in the day” when we sliced it so thin you could see through it. One can would always have to do for everyone. Now, I don’t have it very often, but when I do, it goes on the list of thank you’s.

52. Word studies in the Bible. I never lose the awe and excitement of how a verse opens up like a flower and just blooms when I finally “get it!” I’m like a little kid who just learned something in school and wants to tell everyone!

53. The sound of my washing machine filling. Remembering those days waaaaay back when . . . . I’d help my Mom separate heaps of clothing into color groups, then we had an old wringer washer and we dumped the first pile in. I can still hear the constant warnings of keeping my fingers and hands away from the wringer!
Oh, what a process that was! It took forever! To say nothing of hanging it all outside in the freezing cold. My Mom’s hands were all red and wrinkled and chapped from being in that soapy water all day and then out in the weather with wooden clothespins, heavy baskets, and icy winds. Thank you, Lord, for my washing machine and dryer. Fluffy, soft, sweet smelling towels and sheets! I am so blessed!

54. Wisteria! OK, I know it’s been on every post this week, but what can I say? The scent is out of this world!
Today? It’s the pods. I’m fascinated with the tons of pods this vine produced this past year. Long, thick, velvety green pods hanging all through the winter. Not one fell off. But with the warmer days came “explosions!” Sounded like little cap guns. (remember those???) The harder-than-wood pods exploded, and seeds went flying, leaving a spiral twisted pod. I’m going to soak and plant a few seeds and see what happens.

55. Megan! A good week with chemo and a fun week with make-up!

56. Prescriptions and God’s grace in providing for me!

57. Baby squirrels playing --- in and out, in and out of their birdhouse home. Now I know where the saying came from about kids being too “squirrelly”!

58. Peppers --- Last year I had an abundance of green peppers, so I sliced them up and froze them for use later on. So glad I did! Today, they were $1.59 EACH. I think I will plant more pepper plants and guard them with my life and baby them through the summer! Who ever thought a stuffed pepper for supper would become so expensive to make?

59. Cawing of two crows at dusk. Can’t really call it a song, can you? But nobody ever told these two that they couldn’t sing!!!! There they are, on top of the highest pine tree, singing to each other their God-given song. I think they are in love!

60. Two cardinals at the feeder. I can hardly see them as the shadows fall into darkness. Always the last to feed at night and always the first to show up for breakfast.

61. Being washed in Heaven’s rain. Whiter than snow. Always available. No cost to me. Cost everything to God. But given in grace, lavishly.

62. Beautiful spring rain throughout the night bringing with it cooler, refreshing springy air.

63. Birds bathing in the new puddles in the driveway. So much fluff and splashing!!!!

64. My play list. Soul-settling music that melts frustrations to where I can “see” what is really in this moment and thank the Lord for it. As I learn to see what is in my moments, that all is from the Lord and given in grace, I’m finding I can at least SEE the futility and waste in the time and effort of being frustrated, up tight, and even downright crabby. When we get the point, that first step, of saying, “this is not worth it,” we can work on it. It’s just a miracle, simply amazing how a simple opening of the clenched hand to receive a gift of the moment can change everything! How did this get from play list to . . . .???? Maybe it’s the first song, “Moment by Moment, I’m kept in His love. . .” Such an old song and not heard much today.

65. The sound of eggs boiling on the stove as they gently hit the sides of the pan. Light blue, white, light brown, tan --- I love the colors ---- Perfect for decorating ---- shades of eggshell brown with a splash of light robin’s egg blue! I can see me now at the paint store with eggshells!

66. A young child teaches me how to pray. How many times now has it been the trusting prayer of a child that has moved me so deeply? Where did it all change --- the moment I thought I had to pray like a “grown-up?” When was that awful moment when I believed the lie that my simple, child-like prayer was not sufficient for God’s ears?

67. More hugs than I could count. A moment of kindness. A forever-imprint on my heart.

68. Songs and hymns that take me back ---- WAAAAY back. Like comfort food for the soul. Sung so many times growing up that I know all the verses. I never tire of them. They never grow old. Only deeper. I thought the hymnbook was boring as I grew up. I wanted the new songs, the new song books. Why is it, now that I’m old, out of date, out of step, and out of breath, I find my hymnbook always next to my Bible? Comfort food -- that’s it. If you are young, you won’t understand. If you are old, you are probably wiping tears like me when you hear, “Be not dismayed what e’er betide, God will take care of you!” Those are weird words when you are young -- “e’er betide” . But when you hear your ninety something year old grandmother singing it with tears running down her cheeks, somehow, “e’er betide” loses it blur and you just know what it means. . .!

Each week, hundreds of "gift counters" join together and make their lists available for others to see and rejoice over their findings. It has been such a blessing for me to get to know these people, to see what they have seen, and hear the testimonies of how all of this . . . all the graces bestowed on children of God. . .have drawn us closer to each other and closer to our Savior. Just click the button below and you will find the links to gift counters all over blogland!

A Great Giveaway!!!

2011-03-05T13:13:00.006-05:00

Patty over at My Mountain Blessings is having her first ever giveaway and it's a doozy!!!! I can't believe she is being this generous --- but that's just Patty --- a big, overflowing, loving, generous heart! Please take the time to visit her blog, sign up for her giveaway, but above all else, take the time to catch up on her posts and get to know her better. It will be well worth your time, I assure you!

Check out Patty's site! You won't be sorry!

A Great Visit with the Oncologist!

2011-03-04T13:14:00.004-05:00

I always hate these three-month visits to the Cancer Center. But I can never cancel because I have to have the chemo port flushed every 6 weeks, so I have to show up. The last time I asked him when I could get that thing taken out, he told me, "Never, so don't ask again!" And I haven't asked again! Oddly enough, I hate these visits because I have nothing to talk about. It's like, "How are you?" "Fine, thanks!" Then lots of dead air. . . . and "You're looking really great!!!! How about --- see you in 3 months?" "OK!" And it's over.

This time, he was more talkative. As he examined the mastectomy site, he said, "This is just so amazing! Do you know how far you have come from with this???" I answered, "No --- because you would never TELL me how bad it was!"

It's hard to believe that it is now almost 3 years since I started that journey with a tumor so big that it was breaking through the skin. I've found so many blogs where ladies are just starting or in the middle of treatment, and it brings back all the memories (or should I say, nightmares) of those horrible, dark days. I can't thank my blogging friends enough for all the prayers, love, faith, and encouragement that you sent my way, and I always want to pass that on to these ladies that are going through it now.

Connie, Megan, Stacy --- believe me when I say I understand, believe me when I say you can do it, and believe me when I say there is a Savior who walks the whole way with each of you, just as He did with me.

In Ann VanKamp's book, 1000 gifts, she talks about the "hard eucharisteo" -- the giving of thanks for the hardest, darkest, unexplained things in our lives -- only because ALL things comes to us in love from a God who is ALL love. No, we can't understand that. I can't understand cancer and the suffering and loss it brings with it. I can't understand the tears. I can't understand the ripping away of loved ones. And saying "thank you" means opening my hands to receive the grace of even these hard things.

If I've learned one thing in my life it's this: All that God has taught me of His promises in the light, I can trust He will keep His word when I walk into the darkness.

Some time ago, I asked this oncologist a question about my cancer and it had ". . . if it comes back. . ." in the question. He said something that rocked my foundations: "It's not a matter of IF -- it's a matter of WHEN!" At that moment, I was faced with a choice -- Do I live each day with the dreaded fear of cancer returning, or do I live each day with a thankful heart that I have yet another day? To a doctor, it's IF or WHEN. To me, FEAR or THANKS.

I've chosen THANKS!

Today, I stood in the breezy sunlight of this, a beautiful spring day and stuck my nose into the delicate flowers of my wisteria. Have you ever smelled such a beautiful, soft, gentle scent????? Surely, they must be climbing all over the jasper walls of Heaven and entwining themselves around the Pearly Gates! These are my "thank you" flowers. Flowers that bloomed in the darkest of times, bloomed again the next year during healing times, the next year during moving-on times, and now this year during grateful heart times.

The question I ponder is Why? Why ME? I could have asked that during the dark days. I could have asked that when I had no hair, couldn't get up out of a shower, couldn't eat, etc. I could have asked that when I was burned to a crisp. Now I asked it in term of, Why do I get an extension on my life? If it is to learn
the "hard eucharisteo", the giving of thanks for the pain we do not and never will understand, then I say, Thank you, Lord. If it is to learn to trust deeper still, then I say, "Oh for grace to trust You more!" If it is to help but one scared woman through the dark valley of breast cancer, then I will grab that hand and show her that there IS a way. Thank you, Lord, for today. May I never miss ONE moment that You have given me in the present because of regrets of the past or fears of the future!

I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety. -- Psalm 4:8

Counting More Gifts!

2011-02-28T13:27:00.005-05:00

I finished reading Ann's book, 1,000 Gifts, and have started rereading it for the second time around. I struggled with it! Maybe it was because it's been a long time since I tried reading really deep books. I used to and loved the challenge and the soul searching they would bring. Maybe I was holding back, not wanting to move out into the truth of its message. Maybe it was all my own past getting in the way of my opening my clenched fists to allow God to fill them with what He knows to be good. Anyways, it was hard. I don't think the author meant for it to be easy, as it seemed to be a soul-wrenching journey for her. I only know, I want it! I want to see. I have so many dark rooms in my life that have heavy locks and no windows, and they have not been open in a long time because what is in them is NOT what I thought I wanted to see and say thank you for. As I read this book for the second time around, I'm finding myself a little less stoic with my clenched fists holding the keys to those dark places. Can I really learn to see, and to find the grace He promises and to say thank you for the hard things, the dark things, the things I don't understand???? Join with me and hundreds of others as we count our thousands of gifts and hold out our open hands for more:

28: Two cups. Always two. They sit on my kitchen counter, waiting for morning,
sleepy eyes, hot coffee. Always two friends, drinking in silence until the caffeine kicks in and we can say "Good morning!" Always two empty cups.

29. Seedlings. Little, tiny leaves and stems pushing up moist, warm dirt. I can almost hear them praising the God who created all things for the chance to live and grow and prove once again that Springtime and Harvest follow the cold and deadness of winter. Faith! So big and vast and we have such a hard time catching it. But there it is --- all packaged up in a little, tiny seed. Dead, but full of life. All it took was believing life was in there and placing it in the ground.

30. Pigeon Peas. Never heard of them before, never tasted them, never saw one --- why would my nose wrinkle at the thought of eating one???? My sister heard about them, and found out we could grow them here. She bought a can at the grocery store just to try, and we are hooked!!!! So the pigeon peas are planted all over the place. Supposedly, they grow quite large, chickens eat them, goats eat the leaves, you can eat them fresh dry them for later, etc., etc. Lesson learned: don't wrinkle your nose up till you try something!

31. Wisteria starting to bloom! Hundreds of flowers pushing their way out! A very dear friend gave me a rooted stick years ago, planted it by my fence, and built a nice high trellis for it to climb on. Talk about faith! Thank you, Dan! Whenever I see those flowers, I'm reminded of your faith, your giving spirit, your love for flowers, and all you did for me!

32. Lea over at the Potting Shed! A gal who can ignite sparks in the deadest of hearts, put a song in a broken spirit, and hold an umbrella when the rain pours down around you!

33. Charlene, a new found friend with a heart of gold and a passion for God!

34. Squeeze of a friend's hand!

35. Meatloaf. Just too good! Comfort food to the max!

36. Iced Tea. Cold, wet, peachy, iced tea after a dirty, hot hour in the sun.

37. Buster's panting, hot face buried deep in his water bowl. He's so happy when
Momma is happy. Big Blue ball gets a work-out, football lands in the pond, feet are muddy, but who cares? Life is good, and we'll do it again tomorrow!

38. Bread. Most of you know I love bread more than anything. But this was special bread. Two long loaves of Italian bread. FRESH! Brought to my sister by our neighbor. Brought to me by my sister. I couldn't stop. Oh, Lord, could this possibly rate up there as one of the best gifts of the week?????

39. Sharing God's word with friends. Like breaking open a fresh loaf of bread and tasting it new and fresh again.

Click the link below and hear the whispers of thanks from hundreds of others who are counting their gifts:

Vegetable Garden -- Take Two!!!

2011-02-25T15:28:00.000-05:00

Some of you may remember that I planted a veggie garden last year. Most of it was an experiment of what I could and could not grow and in what types of containers. I will confess, it left me feeling like a failure, very crabby, and not wanting to do it again this year. All winter long, when I could have done the work WITHOUT the sweat, I stared disgustingly at the containers, happily growing weeds that grow so well in the Florida winter. Why is it that weeds have NO problems????? (As a side note, there is a series of about 100 or so videos on Utube by a guy who has made it his life long hobby of learning about weeds and what you can eat and how to prepare them. Search for “Eat the Weeds”. All I can think of, is ME, rooting along the ground like a possum, looking for something edible, and end up eating poison ivy or something!!!)

But as fate would have it, my brother, who lives in Maine, is really “into” the gardening thing. He is blessed to have a father in law who has shown him so much, and now it is my brother’s goal to grow enough of whatever grows there to sustain him through the year. And you know how it is, we always “preach” about what works for us. So. . . . . My brother had a pep rally with my sister, and talked her into growing what grows here in Florida and learning to like it. Somehow, I got in on this, and started cleaning out my pots.

As for our experiments of last year????? The $1.00 bags that you get at the grocery store, etc., worked fine as plant containers, but by the end of the season, they were done. Dry rotted. When you tried to move them, they fell apart. But they drained well, held enough dirt, were easy to keep weeds out of, and they did not collapse or cave in. The most sturdy and nicest looking were the dark green ones from JoAnns. The worst were the red and black ones from the Family Dollar Store. Worth the $1.00, but now I have to get something else.

The Styrofoam ice chests were fantastic, but don’t try to move them once filled with wet dirt and plants. They will break. Duct tape (You know, the stuff we all bought tons of after 9/11) worked well to hold the broken pots together, and are still there, waiting for my new plants. The tops served well as “saucers”. Talk about eye sores, though. But my green beans loved growing in them. I put a circle of wire fencing around the ice chests, and the beans grew and produced throughout the summer and fall. One success story.

I also purchased huge blue storage bins at Big Lots last year. MUCH cheaper than plant pots of the same size. Now I know why. The plastic became brittle and I can’t move them without them cracking. So they will just stay where they are for this year.

My favorite pots of all look like the old whiskey barrels. They are actually Styrofoam, light weight, but have been painted and look like stained wood with metal staves around them. I’ve had them now for about 8 years, and they are still in good shape.

So. . . . The gal who was NOT going to garden this year now has green onions, radishes, carrots, beets, peppers, green beans, yard long beans, pigeon peas, etc., planted in you-name-it buckets.

It’s a lot of hard work for Buster, though. But he loves it. Since he still has all his “childhood anxieties”, he will NOT go out the door without me with him. So this gives him long outings, chances to pee on every living thing, stick his nose in the holes I dig for planting, runs with dead root balls, etc. And yes, an occasional drink from the hose. He does know what “No peepee in the in the pots” means, but did NOT know that this also meant the little seedling trays. Yuk!!! They got a good watering!

I’ve learned I should stay away from Nurseries. Why is it that I never learn???? Just because there is a tiny, live plant in a tray at the Nursery does NOT mean it will grow into something edible in MY yard down the street!!!!!! But I still do it! And the only one who profits is the Nursery. Every one that I bought means another pot, more dirt, more fertilizer, more sweat, with the ending of , “See???? I told ya!” But here I am, dirty hands and feet, sweat and snot pouring off my face, nails forever ruined, but I did it. And that’s the whole heart of it --- that I could do it!

More gifts. . .!

2011-02-21T12:58:00.008-05:00

Can it be that I'm "getting it?" If only I had carried a pen and a tablet with me everywhere this week, I would have been able to list countless blessings and thank-you's!!!! I got the book a few days ago, and have NOT been able to put it down. I am racing through it, to the point I have the page ready to turn, long before I'm even there. And I don't want to. But I have to. I can't explain it. I've decided I will read and read and read to the end and then begin again. I just have to know the end. I can't stop along the way, or take a breath, go back for do-overs. I've never done this with a book. In fact, for years I thought I could never read again. I had lost that ability to concentrate. I had been reduced to flip calendars. . . . at the most, maybe a page in a daily devotional. But the challenge to live in the moment, to experience God's graces, to thank Him for all things. . .
I don't even SEE all things. . .Maybe when it all sinks in and I can wrap my heart and life around it and I begin to see - REALLY SEE -- I'll find a way to explain it all to you. In the meantime, I will count, I will make my list, and I will continue to encourage you, too, to rean Ann VosKamp's, One Thousand Gifts!

14. Warm sun rays warming the soil.

15. Seeds that give me hope and faith in beans, green onions, carrots, radishes.

16. White, snowy flower blossoms floating through the air as the gentle breezes loosen them from the branches of the cherry laurel trees.

17. The cry of peacocks in the distance.

18. A family of wrens pushing leaves aside looking for the first bugs of spring.

19. Buster’s exuberant joy in having me working in the yard again. All I have to say is, “Let’s go do the beans!” and he knows we are doing important “stuff” in the yard together.

20. Two ringed-neck doves who faithfully watch over each other. One watches for predators as the other, trusting her mate’s protection, eats quietly under the feeder.

21. My sycamore tree. Can it truly be 6 years old now??? A gift from my sister, and always a reminder of her love and friendship and all we have been through together. It stood about 4 feet tall when we first planted it. Came with a supporting stake, taller than the tree, and tied securely to each other. Stake and tree together were planted with hopes and faith . . . . . Always hope and a faith that sees a future sheltering shade tree one day. Now? . . . The stake was no longer needed after a few years and the tree broke away the bands holding the two together, now able to stand tall and straight on its own. I smile when I stand at my sister’s place, look over the roof of my house and see those sycamore leaves waving at us. I remember my fears during the dark days of chemo treatments. My tree had begun that spring healthy, sprouting out leaves that turned perfectly green and giagantic -- just as a sycamore is to do. But as the deadly, cancer-killing chemicals left my body, so my tree soaked them up (Yes, I planted it much too close to my septic tank!!!!). The leaves began to turn brown on the edges, curling from the poison being fed to them. But they hung on to life, and the following spring began the life cycle again, new and whole. We’ve made it through so much . . . Juri, the sycamore tree, and me.

22. Large crows cawing in my driveway. All I can say is, I pray the mockingbird does NOT learn THIS song.
The mockingbird sang a contata full of spring melodies this early morning. It was worth getting up early just to hear this one-bird choir sing his God-given song from the top of the telephone pole. Seems to be his favorite pulpit.

23. Whitey’s smile.

24. Loretta’s hug.

25. Artie’s song.

26. Trina’s heart.

27. A Sunday full of reminders that, “His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His power has no boundary known unto men. For out of the infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again!”

By clicking the button below, you will be taken to a wonderful place that will show you hundreds of others who are counting. Somehow, I know God is smiling as He hears thousands of thank-you's being whispered in His ear!

Continuing to find One Thousand Gifts. . .

2011-02-14T13:28:00.003-05:00

Ann Voskamp continues to encourage us all to keep on counting our gifts daily. You can find a host of "gift-counters" by clicking the banner below. I'm warning you, though, you will come away with your heart warmed, a smile on your face, and a desire to start counting. . . . .

8. Warm rays of sun that turn the chill of my bones back to normal again. After several dark, damp cold days, the bright blue of the sunny skies is so welcoming and embracing.

9. An old wooden rocking chair on my back porch. A place where memories join me every time I sit there -- memories of watching a little brown puppy I named "Buster" explore and run and chase balls and butterflies. Memories of deep, anxious thoughts when the battle for life was being fought with chemo, radiation and surgery. Memories of weakness --- when it took everything within me (and the help of a pole) to get up out of that rocker. Memories of strength when the battle was over, health returned full and renewed and flowers bloomed once again.

10. A pair of titmice who seem to know better than I do that God is faithful and that Spring always follows Winter. With the first hints of longer days, warmer suns and budding trees, these two are arguing as to which is the better of the birdhouses. One has a bigger doorway. One is higher than the other. One has a wooden roof, the other a tin roof. One is bigger. One is on a pole and the other on a tree. Does any of it matter??? It does to titmice!

11. A note from a friend I never knew I had! We blog, we share our lives, our thoughts, our prayers, our fears. Some leave comments and we appreciate them so much. Some become friends and pray for us, and we thank God for the encouragement and faithfulness of their walk iwth us. Then comes a "delayed gift." I find out I've been on someone's prayer list these past few years. Someone who found my blog and whispered my name before the Throne of Grace as I tried to find my way down the unknown paths of Cancer. Thank you, Penni!

12. A box from my sister-in-law containing some books that were special to my brother, Tony, along with many hand-written notes -- things he wanted to remember, things he deemed very important, things that only make me wish I had known him better, things that cause my heart to yearn for deeper things - gifts I have to dig for.

13. A Hershey's Kiss from a smiling gal at the drive up window at the bank. It made me smile and it tasted soooooo good!

My prayer today is that you, too, will look for the gifts left for you, take the time to unwrap each one carefully and treasure them with a thankful heart!

Mr. Hey-yo!

2011-02-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of things I can do without, but when I run out of sugar, it is NOT a good thing! I don’t mind diet drinks, diet soda, etc. But when it comes to coffee or tea, I NEED sugar ---- that good old, grainy, white stuff that we are supposed to ban from our lives. But for me --- no sugar???? No coffee!!!! Period! Bottom line. I’ve tried a million times to go sugarless, use sugar substitutes, and all the rest. I’ve given in to my weakness, so sugar it is.

I went to the grocery store for sugar and came home with a cart full. Plus, I stopped at the roadside veggie stand. Poor old guy --- his fingers were so cold that he couldn’t even get the plastic bag open.

So I’m good to go for a little while. I have my sugar, my veggies, and Buster is restocked on treats and dog food. He checks his stash carefully, gets a bone, and lays down with a big sigh that tells me, “Life is good!”

On the way home, I passed a little “farm” --- just as I have a million times before in the past few years. Mr. Hey-Yo lives there. Not his real name, but we all seem to know who we are talking about when we refer to “Mr. Hey-Yo!” Several years ago, this little piece of land was parceled off and a “For Sale” sign was posted. It looked like a slice of pie, or a little wedge of left over land. This three-sided weed patch borders on a busy road, a large utility corridor, and a church property. Across the street is a grade school. NOT a quiet haven for a home, for sure.

It wasn’t long before it was sold. Then a home. Then a farm fence. Then a barn/shed type building. Then cross fencing. Then. . . A truck! And we knew someone was making their dream come true ---- a little piece of Heaven in the middle of nowhere. It wasn’t long before we saw an older man working around his property. Then we saw chickens, goats, a turkey. . . And then, miniature horses. I can’t remember why, but my sister had some questions, and I mentioned to her that perhaps this guy could give her some answers. Her response was, “What am I supposed to do. . . . Stand at the gate and yell at the top of my lungs, HEY-YO!!!!!” So, to this day, the man with the slice-of-pie farm is quietly called Mr. Hey-yo, and we all know who we are talking about.

Today, as I passed by, Mr. Hey-yo’s goats and miniature horses were grazing by the fence. I glanced over and looked, and the old man was standing there looking at his animals. Though I never met this man, I felt I knew so much about him. He seems so content with what he has. So gentle with his little baby goats. And there is just something about miniature horses. . . They make me smile. I can’t imagine why this man raises these little horses --- they seem so useless. I think if I were to ask him, he would just smile and say, “Just because!”

I learned a lesson today. It seemed to hit me and I couldn’t get it off my mind. I wondered what people see when they look at ME???? Do I show contentment? Am I gentle? Do I make the best of my little slice-of-life God has given me? Am I a sheltering person? Do I have the kind of faith that sees a weed patch become a realization of a dream?

Thank you, Mr. Hey-yo, for reminding me today that all that I have is truly all that I need! And thank you, Lord, for sugar!

Daybook Entry for February 9, 2011

2011-02-09T14:02:00.006-05:00

FOR TODAY
February 9, 2011
Outside my window... The sun is shining after several dark and cloudy days. A much needed rain soaked the ground, and I'm so thankful for that. Two balls still stubbornly hold onto the bare sycamore branch outside my window. A tufted titmouse is waiting his turn at the feeder. VERY impatiently, may I add!

I am thinking... About patience. I am NOT a patient person. I always thought I was. I now know I was just very good at covering my impatience!
And the older I get, the more my impatience shows. Psalm 40:1 says, "I waited patiently for the Lord. . ." which means, without tiring and with perserverance.
Mary Sutherland has a great devotional about this on the Girlfriends in God site
here: http://www.girlfriendsingod.com/Devotions/DevotionArchives/2011DevotionArchives/February11Devotions/ComingOutoftheDark2411/tabid/1054/Default.aspx

I am thankful for... God's patience with ME!

From the learning room...Hamburger is VERY hard and can be a health hazard when it rolls out of the freezer and hits your toe! Lesson learned: Make FLAT packages when freezing hamburger!!!!!

From the kitchen... Egg salad made from my sister's farm fresh eggs! Sour cream biscuits to go with left over beans and carrots.

I am creating... Nothing this week! But I may get my cutter out and get ahead on some card making supplies .

I am going... Nowhere? I can't think of even ONE thing I need to use as an excuse to go to the grocery store.

I am reading... Sparkling Gems from the Greek by Rick Renner (PLEASE don't think I am a deep theological student here! This author has written this book as a daily devotional, with 365 days of treasures!!!! He gives a passage of Scripture, picks out a word, gives background, history, Greek meaning in its context, application, questions to ask yourself and a prayer.) I had signed up for the daily email and I was getting one a day. Not enough for me. (AGAIN -- impatient!) So I checked on ebay and found a used one and just love it!
I am hoping... To follow through with memorizing at least 2 verses a week. I’m finding it doesn’t come as easy as it did when I was younger!!!!

I am hearing... My heat running and running and running. . . .(cha-ching, cha-ching.) Don't know what's wrong with me, but I am cold ALL THE TIME! Doesn't matter how many layers of clothing I have on, I'm just cold!

Around the house... First on the list is the bottom drawer of the stove -- under the oven. I pulled it open, and now it won't shut. That means taking everything out, keeping Buster's slobbery mouth off whatever is in there, try to get the drawer back on track, etc., etc., etc., (Patience AGAIN????)

One of my favorite things...Patty Melts!!!!! Years ago (when I was crazy, strong, and brave), I delivered newspapers 7 days a week. Afterwards, a few of us would meet at a 24-hour diner and I almost always ordered a Patty Melt. Since those days, wherever I go, I will order one if it is on the menu. My sister and I have a rating system, giving them a score of 1 - 10. Right now, I'd give anything for a big, juicy, hot one with onions, drippy melted cheese, buttery grilled rye bread ----- can't you just feel the cholesterol sticking to your ribs?????

A few plans for the rest of the week: Read over I Peter for tomorrow night and continue on my own in Kay Daigle's Bible Study. She has entitled it, "Adorned in True Beauty."

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

I planted a few blackberry bushes last year. NO, these are not mine. But I'm HOPING someday they will look like this. I love blackberries!!!!!

Praying for: Healing Rain to fall on a dear friend!

Please join in with us and share your daybook entries at:

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Thank You, Lord for. . .

2011-02-07T16:32:00.003-05:00

1. Gentle rain with a music all its own.
2. God's faithful provisions, whether I worry or trust.
3. My sister, her friendship and unconditional acceptance, not matter what.
4. Buster, my big, exhuberant Lab who has taught me not to sweat the small stuff.
5. My Pastor, who, by example and teaching, has taught me not to sweat the big stuff.
6. A church I can truly call home.
7. A beautiful smile on a beautiful lady in the Post Office.

Click on the link below to find others who are counting their gifts and sharing them with us all:

Daybook Entry for February 5, 2011

2011-02-05T12:09:00.004-05:00

FOR TODAY
February 5, 2011
Outside my window... A soft breeze making the bare limbs of my sycamore tree sway back and forth. The laurel is loaded with thousands of tiny white flowers! The breezes caused them to fall all over my car! This tree is fooled by the warm weather and will probably have to do this again before true spring is here. The sky is gray, dropping a soft, much needed rain. Robins don’t care at all. The puddle in the driveway makes a “free for all” bird bath.

I am thinking... About hope and faith! Strange that my laurel tree would bring a flood of thoughts like this. Spring will come and that which seems dead will burst forth in flowers. Hope that is not in vain, faith that lives in the light of tomorrow’s promise of new life!

I am thankful for... Second chances! Forgiveness! Encouragement to finish the race in spite of a horrible beginning!

From the learning room... Digging into 1 Peter. Pastor is going through the book in our Thursday night Bible study, so I’m “digging deeper” with an online Bible study by Kay Daigle. It helps for me to write things down. Especially answers to questions. I can slide past things too easily if I don’t put it on paper.

From the kitchen... Not sure yet ---- maybe a pot of navy beans with carrots and ham, a pan of biscuits, salad. . .

I am creating... Some greeting cards.

I am going... To the post office to mail my first chemo angel package.

I am reading... Diamonds in the Dust by Joni. It’s a daily devotional, but I just keep reading and reading. . . !

I am hoping... To follow through with memorizing at least 2 verses a week. I’m finding it doesn’t come as easy as it did when I was younger!!!!

I am hearing... The calming drips of the rain off my roof onto the dead leaves on the ground. Cars splashing through puddles on the road. A crow cawing. Buster snoring!

Around the house... Laundry going, already cleaned bathrooms. . .what’s next?

One of my favorite things... Rainy days! I love the sounds, the fresh smells. . .!

A few plans for the rest of the week: Week is about over. Haven’t even thought about next week.

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

Praying for my pastor and his wife.
Thank you, Lord, for such dedicated, faithful servants!

Please join in with us and share your daybook entries at:

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Chemo Angels

2011-02-04T11:24:00.003-05:00

Those of you who have followed my blog down through the years know that I took the journey through Breast Cancer. If you are new to my blog, you can find that journey beginning with my posts towards the end of June, 2008 and continuing through 2009. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about that time in my life. It just seems that I'm finding more and more women who are going through this, and as I read their blogs, I find myself reliving my own experience over again.

The other day, I was going through things and trying to make spaces for "stuff" that has no permanent storage place, and I found my stack of cards I received during those dark days. Most of them are from all my faithful blogger friends. I sat down with that pile and went through them all, one by one, and found myself thanking the Lord for these special gifts of encouragement. They STILL encourage me and I will keep them forever!

Mixed in those cards are a bunch that are beautifully hand made. They came every week or so and contained a thoughtful message of encouragement. You see, Linda was my "chemo angel". And what a faithful angel she was!

I'm so excited now to have the privilege of being a chemo angel myself for the first time. These people have a website at:

http://www.chemoangels.net/

They are so good at matching patients with "angels"!!! It doesn't take much or a lot of time, just a commitment to send a card or little gift of encouragement to someone going through chemo treatments. Anyone can do that, I'm sure.

So if you are going through chemo right now, let them know. Or if you can find it in your heart to see someone through this rough patch in their life, sign up as an angel! It meant all the world to me. Let's make the world a little brighter place!

Wendy Blight: On-Line Study, Cultivating a Heart of Prayer, Begi...

2011-01-29T12:51:00.000-05:00

Wendy Blight: On-Line Study, Cultivating a Heart of Prayer, Begi...: "Cultivating a Heart of Prayer Begins February 7, 2011 Hi Bible Study friends, In a little over a week, we will begin our next online-study..."

One Thousand Gifts

2011-01-28T16:45:00.003-05:00

I am so sorry that I did not continue the list I had started a couple of years ago of all the things I was thankful for. Every day for me is a gift from God, and within that gift are just tons of smaller gifts for me open and treasure if I'm willing to look, and see, and take the time to wonder at it all. Today, a flock of robins stripped my cherry laurel tree of it's cherries. Those berries have been hanging there for what seems like forever, freezing, thawing, refreezing, thawing again, etc., etc. But today, I guess, they were just right! Either that, or mine were the last ones left in the neighborhood.

I loved listening to their cheerful voices and wondered why I couldn't be that happy with the simple things in life????
I make it all so complicated -- to the point it can make me crabby in a moment!

I want a Robin's heart! I want to see good things in simple places. I want to sit on my branch at the end of the day, snuggle my beak in my feathers and thank the Lord for the berries He gave me, the song He gave me, and another beautiful day! Can it be that hard?????

You've got to watch this! I sooooooo want the book! Be sure to turn off my music at the bottom of the page.

Little By Little

2011-01-27T10:07:00.006-05:00

"O my Saviour,
let me not fall by little and little,
or think myself able to bear
the indulgence of any known sin
because it seems so insignificant.
Keep me from sinful beginnings,
lest they lead me on
to sorrowful endings.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon
1834-92

Taken from today's daily devotional found at Transformation Garden:

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/transformgarden/

Foundations

2011-01-25T13:37:00.002-05:00

During the past few weeks, I've been thinking more and more about my "foundations" --
what I have built my life, my faith, my hopes on. I've gained a lot of insights into my own heart, some good with assurances and a basic knowledge of how to pass it on, and some. . . well, let's say I found out I needed some brushing up and studying to do.

As my brother went through the final stages of lung cancer, he shared with me some of the "projects" he had been working on. I think that anytime a question was raised that he could not answer, it became an unending quest until he was satisfied with the answers he found. Doubts? I don't know. We always seem to criticize the word, "doubt," as it sounds so opposite to the word, "faith." Yet, is it not our doubts and questions in life that send us on our quests to find the ultimate truth in Christ? I know I have my brother to thank for igniting the spark in me to dig around my "foundations" and see if they are right and built upon the true Word of God.

Years ago, my pastor did a series called, "On These We Stand." Week by week, he went through the doctrines (like Sanctification, Justification, etc), and made it all so simple to understand. Ever since the day I was born, I was in church. From the cradle roll all the way through I never missed a Sunday School class, church services 3 times a week, youth groups, DVBS, camp, and whatever else was going on. I did all the Bible Memory Association verses, memorized chapters for contests, etc. I even went to Bible School for 3 years. But all of this learning was never "filed away" in some sort of "grab it and use it" kind of way. It was through this series of messages that I finally got a filing cabinet in my mind where things started falling into their proper places!!! Thank you, Dan!

I don't think I ever realized before how important it is to get the "foundation" right. Paul says in I Cor. 15, "So, then, brothers and sisters, don't let anyone move you off the foundation of your faith." In my old age, though, I have come to see how everything topples and falls apart if the foundation is not right from the beginning. When all is said and done in life, it all boils down to where we put our trust and faith. Most of the guilt, fears, doubts and regrets that we carry with us are so unnecessary, but are there because we have built our lives and beliefs on foundations that are incorrectly taught to us.

Hosea 6:3 says, "Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord." To know Him is to know the truth. And this was Paul's utmost desire as he expressed it in Philippians 3 -- "That I may know Him. . ."

There were so many sleepless nights for me during Tony's illness, and I would dig into the deepest parts of my heart and brain for stuff I had once learned but had forgotten. It bugged me to no end! I don't like loose ends and unanswered questions. My brother had spent so much of his life searching the Scriptures, and I'm sure he knew them way better than I do. I have him to thank for rattling my cage because I found lots of rusty hinges and loose screws!!!

Beth Moore is challenging women to memorize at least 24 verses this year -- that's just 2 verses a month.

http://blog.lproof.org/2011/01/2011-siesta-scripture-memory-team-verse-2.html

She even has a little spiral notebook you can buy (or download for free and print out yourself) to write your verses out and join in on the challenge. Since I love tags, I made my own and I'm off and running with it. I'm picking verses that are foundational to my faith in Christ, promises I can count on through eternity, and principles I can live by. I don't know what's in my future or who I will yet meet along the way, but I NEVER want to be caught without an answer!

I feel like I'm rambling today. Maybe it is because I feel I'm entering new doors and I don't know where they are taking me. Maybe it is because there are holes in my heart that need to be filled. Anyhow, thanks for listening!

Since Yesterday

2011-01-03T08:39:00.003-05:00

Tony is finally home!

It seems so long since yesterday
When he was with us here.
Though weak and tired and struggling,
We knew that he was near.
But now we stand upon this shore,
His path we cannot trace.
We only know since yesterday
He saw his Savior's face.

His first day home since yesterday --
We wonder at the thought!
We'll never know that special joy
That moment must have brought;
No clouds, no mists, since yesterday,
No pain, no questions, "why?"
Unshadowed now he sees the sun
As time has passed him by.

We miss him so since yesterday,
Each memory seems so real.
We long to share, to see him smile,
His special love to feel;
Yet, could we call him back again,
To leave his soul's delight,
To leave the gladness of the morn
For one more painful night?

Ah, no, we let him go with love,
For we shall meet some day.
We would not take away the joy
He's known since yesterday.
Could we deny the special gift
The Savior had to give?
For he who struggled so for life
Has just begun to live!
--Cora Eelman

When there are No Words!

2011-01-02T17:07:00.002-05:00

Sometimes a song just hits you and goes to the very core of your heart. This is one of them. I've played it over and over and over and it washes over me like nothing ever has! Be sure to turn off my music at the bottom of the page!

My New Year's Prayer

2011-01-01T16:34:00.002-05:00

Dear Lord,
I'm not making any promises or resolutions. I know from my past performance that this would only be setting myself up for failure, discouragement, and ultimately confession to You that I had no intention of keeping them in the first place.

I know I've changed in the past few months --- not a whole lot, but enough to know that change is possible. "Probable" is another whole issue. Thank you, Lord, for my brother and what he has brought about in my own life. Thank you for the example of my other brother, sister, and family members and how they have sacrificed with joy to take care of Tony. Thank you for making me look deeper into my own soul because of all of this.

Lord, if I can ask for one thing this year, it's this: Keep changing me. Little by little. Day by day.

Change me into someone who can discern what's really important from the trivial irritations that would ruin a whole day.

Change me into someone who can see a need in one person's life and fill it. Not the whole world -- just one person.

Change me into someone who lives Your Word instead of someone who just knows it.

Change me in such a way that maybe 365 days from now, I'll look just a little bit more like You.

If You can change me in just these things, then this coming year will be considered one of true miracles! With You, all things are possible, aren't they? Let's go for it!

The Christmas Miracle

2010-12-25T11:42:00.002-05:00

I wasn't really sure about this Christmas. Perhaps that's why I've been silent this month. It's hard to read everyone's blogs about the happiness, celebrations, and traditions of Christmas when my own heart has been breaking, worrying, wishing, and praying. My brother's one wish was to come home from the hospital, be around his family, and maybe share this Christmas in a familiar, loving place. When every breath is a painful, exhausting struggle for him, it is so hard for me. . .to the point I wish I could just exchange places. . .

My sister and I are so far away, but Skype has brought our family so close together. We can all sit and talk together, cry together. . . or like last night, sing together.

I wasn't sure about last night -- in fact, I don't think I'm sure about anything. It was so hard for my sister and me to see Ton coughing and struggling for every breath -- harder still to see my sister, brother, and nephew tend to him with such tender love and care. Being Christmas Eve and the first time all 5 of us siblings have ever been "together" as adults on Christmas, we began to sing. Singing was central in our family when growing up. We sang in the car, sang around the old piano, sang around camp fires, sang as we did the dishes, and even san ourselves to sleep. So there we were, late on Christmas Eve when most of the world was wrapping it up for the night, we were just getting started. We sang through the hymnbook, sang all the choruses we learned in DVBS. Didn't matter how we sounded. Didn't matter if we had the words right. Didn't matter if we cried or laughed. What mattered is that Tony loved every single moment of it all. It went on forever. And I'm sure the the angels listened in wonder and amazement as one little family celebrated Christmas together through the internet. The cookoo clock struck midnight and we realized we had sung in Christmas. . . the day my brother wanted so badly to see. We all prayed together and I went to bed exhausted.

I could not sleep. The words to hymns and Bible verses raced through my heart and I wondered if my brother was sleeping. I prayed. I prayed for a Christmas Miracle. The strange thing was, I had no specific miracle in mind. I had no idea what to ask for. I only knew I wanted the Lord to be so very close to Tony through those early hours of this Christmas Day. Over and over I prayed the same vague prayer. . .

And God heard. Does He not always hear the cries of His children????

The news this morning was that Tony is doing so much better, talking, and wanting to sit up. He slept well last night, was so thrilled with our "party" last night, remembered all of it, and is just so happy that we could all be together that way.

Tony's pastor had mentioned to him something about the final week of Christ's life and following in His footsteps, so Tony has been listening to readings of Scripture relating to this. Just so happened (do things really "just so happen????"), I found Max Lucado's book, "And the Angels Were Silent," a beautiful book about the last week of the life of Jesus. I downloaded it to my Kindle (free for your PC), and have been reading nonstop. I just can't put it down.

Somehow, I believe the angels were silent last night as the Lord leaned over and listened to one little family sing His praises with hearts that were heavy and joyful and everything inbetween. Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I know He sat by my brother's bed through the early hours of the morning.

Miracles? They come wrapped in strange packages and tucked away where we almost miss them. I got mine. . . and the strange thing is, I don't even know what it is.
Yes I do! It's peace. A heart full of peace. And Tony? His miracle today is another heart full of hugs from those who love him more than he can ever know.

Merry Christmas, Tony! The Lord has worked miracles through you into our family that has changed us all for eternity! And the angels thought it would never happen, I'm sure, and are silent today at the wonder of it all!!!!!

Restoration

2010-11-30T10:39:00.005-05:00

I've never seen him in a suit, nor do I believe he would ever wear one. Old jeans, a tee shirt, and flip-flops seem to fit him best. And for some odd reason, it's the way I like to see him.

He always seeks me out, grabs my hand and gives me a warm, huge smile lit up with twinkling eyes and loving words. My heart feels contented, and I thank my Heavenly Father for this man of grace and many gifts.

I thought I was stuck in the old hymnbooks when it came to my choice of music. But on this particular Sunday evening, I found a new place in my heart that I never knew was there. It included drums, guitar, harmonica, piano, flute, and this man with a voice like Chris Christopherson, eyes that shone with God's glory, and a heart full of God's love.

And the tears began to fall.

He was singing the song that is playing in the background, "The God of the Mountain," a song that came to mean so much to me during my cancer journey. A strange thing happened during those few minutes: It seemed that I took a fast-forward trip through all those chemo treatments, surgery and radiation, and experienced all the emotions that I probably should have had back then. . . .No, on second thought, it was different. You see, I was looking back to a mountain and a valley in my past. And this song had now changed from an encouragement for me to a testimony of all God was and had done for me.

I never tire of his singing, but I missed him last week. I missed the drums, I missed the guitar, I missed his eyes, and most of all, I missed his expressions of love for our Saviour. My heart told me he needed prayer, and I prayed often that the Lord would be his strength.

I don't know what moved me more -- to see his tears and his broken spirit as we hugged and he shared that he had fallen --- or to see one person after another "restore such a one in the spirit of meekness". I learned compassion, I learned forgiveness,I learned repentence, I learned humility, and I learned faith. I learned that MY problems are so small in comparison to others. I learned that God's grace IS greater than ALL our sin. I learned that the Shepherd DOES go out and finds His sheep. And I learned that the Lord DOES inhabit the praises of His people. I was there. I saw it happen. And I'll never be the same.

A Thankful Heart!

2010-11-29T14:13:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving and the long weekend was such a busy time for me. Not that there were loads of people around -- in fact, it was just my sister and me. Yet, I felt that my thoughts were racing wild, emotions were at their peak, and the Lord was as close as He could be.

My prayers all week had been that my brother would be allowed to go home for Thanksgiving day and that "the guys" would be able to get him there peacefully and without a lot of "tadoo!" You see, my brother has lung cancer and having such a difficult time right now. He has gotten so weak and needs help to get out of bed, etc. Wednesday night, I was listening to Lynda Randle sing, "God will make a way," and I just cried, praying that He would make a way for Ton to make home. He did!!!
And the best part was, I got to talk with him through Skype, a free video calling system, and we could see each other and have a great talk. God is sooooo good, isn't He?

Thursday nights, we have a Bible Study at our church, so my sister and I went. I've been attending this church for about two months, and I feel that my heart has finally found a home. Pastor spoke on thanksgiving and the need for us to direct our thanks to the Lord. So many people today just say, "I'm thankful for. . . ." without ever directing their thanks to anyone at all. I wonder how many times I have said that myself? He pointed out that just the word, "thanks", demands that there be a recipient of our thanks. The singing, praise, and message were so heartlifting, but I was stunned afterwards to find out that Pastor had had a mild heart attack earlier in the day. I just couldn't believe that he was there for us!
He is such a man of God, and in so short a span of time, I've come to appreciate him so much.

Saturday night, my brother was rushed from the nursing home to the hospital with terrible chest pains and trouble breathing. I couldn't sleep that night, and all I could do was pray for him and for my pastor, and for a few others that I had great concerns about. Isn't it great that we have a God who hears us, who never slumbers or sleeps, and walks with us through those dark, sleepless times???

A New Start -- A New Look!

2010-11-23T15:06:00.002-05:00

Weather changes so quickly and drastically here in Florida -- one day hot, one day cold, one day rain, next day drought, etc. Here it is, the middle of November, and a beautiful pink rose is blooming in my backyard. So. . . . I decided it was time to change the look of my blog, begin a new season in my life, and start blogging again.

So many of you have emailed me, checking in on me, telling me you still pray for me and think of me. I can't tell you how much that has meant, and I know it is because of your prayers that the Lord has seen fit to give me added days with good health. All my check ups have been great so far. Can't help but say, "Everything is coming up roses" for me.

Jumping back into a blog is not easy, but there is so much to say and share and it seems a shame to just keep it all inside. So this is my new start ---- roses in November!!!!!

Squash Blossoms!

2010-05-05T10:38:00.002-04:00

Normally, I am a meat and potatoes kind of person. You know the type ---- normal, everyday, homecooking like meatloaf, baked chicken, mashed potatoes, peas, corn, broccoli, etc., etc. I don't usually stray too far from the safety zone. I will try new recipes, though, especially if I have all the ingredients around the house and it all sounds good.

Since starting the gardening thing, I've been on a search for good veggie recipes. I've been trying to get away from a lot of meat, as my cholesterol seems to be inching its way up. I'd rather control it with diet rather than the pills.

So. . . . with that in mind, I stood outside staring at my poor zuchinni and squash plants pushing out all these beautiful flowers, but no females with the fruit on the base of them. ALL males. I have read that the male flowers come first, but this was just too much. I had heard that these flowers are edible and well liked, but not available in grocery stores because of being so highly perishable. If you do an internet search for "squash flower recipes," you will see that there are hundreds to choose from ---- baked, fried, deep fried, raw, stuffed, etc.

I took my trusty scissors out there and started snipping. I took them all!!!!! I found this recipe and decided to try it for supper last night. I psyched myself up, saying that there were frozen meals on standby if this did not work out and not to get crabby or mad or blame myself as this was DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone of food. I must say, this rates a 10 on the scale of "we'll do it again" recipes. We wolfed it down so fast, there was no chance for pictures, sharing with Sis, or with Buster.

So here's the recipe.

Stuffed Squash Blossoms

Filling:

1/2 cup grated jack cheese
1 cup ricotta cheese
1 jalepeno pepper, seeded and finely chopped (I used pepper jack cheese, so didn't need the pepper)
1/2 cup chopped prosciutto or other ham (I used crumbled bacon)
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon chopped fresh oregano (I used 1/2 teasp dried oregano)
1 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley (I used 1/2 tablspoon dried)
1 medium tomato, peeled, seeded, diced and drained (I just chopped and threw it in)
salt and pepper to taste
16 to 18 sqash blossoms
1 tablespoons olive oil

Preheat oven to 325
Oil or butter casserole dish
mix everything except blossoms and oil in a bowl
Remove stamens from flowers (I used a scissors as I kept ripping the flowers)
Stuff each squash blossom carefully with about 1 tablespoon of mixture.
Press edges together. Place in casserole and drizzle with olive oil.
Cover with tin foil, bake 15 minutes. Remove foil, return to oven and bake 15 minutes more.

The recipe said to serve with a tomato or spagetti sauce. I heated some up, but never used it. They tasted soooooooo good just the way they were.

I made a box of the pasta roni noodles, garlic and olive oil flavored. Since I had a lot of the cheese filling left over from the blossom stuffing venture, I threw that in with the noodles and tossed.

I've got to tell you ----- this was a supper to die for!!!!!! I'm not sure my blossoms out there will ever make it to the squash stage.

I need a Man!

2010-04-13T06:54:00.003-04:00

I came to the conclusion yesterday that I need a husband. All my life I prided myself in the fact that a single woman could do anything (well, maybe just about anything, as I CAN't fix the car!). My sisters are so spoiled, and I remind them of that whenever they yell for their husbands to come and do something for them.

But yesterday, I faced the fact that I needed one of those things called a husband. You see, I was in Walmart. I pushed my cart to the Garden Center and thought while I was there, I would put a few bags of dirt in the back of the car. No use coming home with an empty back when I still needed to fill some pots. I didn't see the usual check out counter there by the exit, so I asked the guy working there by the dirt bags, "How do you do the dirt thing?" In a very crabby voice, he said, "You put the dirt in your cart and to to the check out, Mam!!!!" And he turned away and never offered to help me lift those suckers or put them in my car for me. For the very first time in my life, I wanted to call him something very nasty. I walked away feeling horrible with myself for feeling that way, mad because I had no dirt (there was no way I could lift those bags into a grocery cart and then lift them out into the car), and I sort of felt old and disabled to some degree. I just couldn't believe that this guy wouldn't help me!!!! So no dirt yesterday!

I did go to one of those "preppie" you-pick farms on Saturday and bought a grocery bag full of chicken poop. Can you believe $5.00 for a shovel full of poop????? It would be worth raising chickens just for that!!!!!! But, we wanted it so we got it!
At first, it was going to be poop tea bags to make the manure tea. But then, the whole bag got wrapped into an old tee shirt and sunk into a big bucket of water to soak and steep for a while. Last night I got a sprinking can full of that smelly stuff and gave my plants a good, healthy swig of that "gold" and said goodnight to them all. I wonder if they will all be dead this morning?????

My zucchinni squash plants are all blooming profusely. Since I have seen no bees at all, I took a Q-tip and tried the self-pollinating thing. Went around twice to each flower, hoping there were male and female flowers in the bunch and that each got pollinated right. I'll have to do it again today, as there are more flowers opening.

Today. . . . I guess I go back to Lowes for my dirt. And then I'm done til fall.

A New Start!

2010-04-11T16:59:00.002-04:00

I can't believe that it has been a year since I finished my radiation treatments for breast cancer. Time just flies. I have been feeling so much better as time goes on --- I didn't even realize that that I WASN'T feeling that great before all of this. No big news ---- and that's a wonderful thing to me. Every six weeks I have to have the port flushed out, and every 3 months I see the oncologist. Saw him last week and everything was just fine. And so far, I've lost about 42 pounds since July (about 65 total since I began the cancer journey). I finally settled into the diet thing as I knew it just had to be. I stopped kicking and screaming and just sucked it up!

My only hard thing was trying to get back into some sort of "normal life" -- moving on -- or "finding a life" -- whatever you want to call it. It was to the point that I didn't even know what to write about here on a blog. Every day seemed a little boring and just the same old routines. . . . Until . . . .

My sister started putting in her garden a few weeks ago. At first, I thought it was something I didn't want to do. I've been there, did that, didn't work, etc., etc. Besides, I didn't really know if I had the strength to do all that was involved, as I would be starting from scratch. But then I couldn't stand it any longer. I still had my earth boxes from years ago, and thought i would just do those 5 earth boxes. How hard could it be to fill them with dirt and plant some tomatoes????

So the week of March 15th or so, I went out and bought my dirt, my tomato plants and started. . . . . . And it hasn't stopped. I'm obsessed!!!!!

I saw somewhere on the internet about these "grow bags." Have you seen them?? They come in several sizes, small ones for strawberries, etc., medium sized for tomatoes, and the large sacks for potatoes, etc. They are a plastic type material and sell for about $20.00. So. . . . one day I was in Staples, and they had their reusable shopping bags at the counter for $1.00 and I grabbed up 10 of them. Filled them with dirt, planted my peppers, eggplant, sage, cabbage, etc., in those. By the way, Joann's has really nice green ones for $1.00. I have some of those, too.

My favorite planters were these styrofoam ones that look like old whiskey barrels. I put those back into use with string beans and yellow squash. I ran out of pots.
Don't laugh, but I went out and bought a bunch of styofoam cooler chests with the lids, punched holes in the bottoms, and put those to use, too. So now I have EVERYTHING growing.

My zuchinni already has tons of blossoms, my tomatoes and peppers have blossoms, beans are started to climb and cucumbers are on their way. Winter squash is planted, and I'm stocked up on seeds for my fall garden.

Have any of you ever done the straw bale gardening????? I am so intrigued with it. You can read up on it here.

http://www.strawbalegardens.com/

I just don't know if it's worth the price of the straw bales, as you have to get new ones every year, and I'm not sure I can carry the bales!!!!!! But it would be wonderful not to have to bend when you garden!!!!

The best part of all of this is how it has made me feel. I feel now that life has moved on for me, that I am once again able to do something that I thought I couldn't. Lugging those bags of dirt isn't easy, but I did it, and just that makes me feel just great!!!! I may never get a tomato or a pepper, but it was really a good feeling to know I could at least try!

Gotta Love The Face!

2010-01-11T14:22:00.002-05:00

Anyone out there wanna play ball with me?????

Magic!!!!!

2009-12-23T10:55:00.004-05:00

Magic!

There's something magic
In just the thought!
It seems so ordinary,
So small,
So everyday ---
Thee is something magic,
Something that changes
The way I feel,
The way I think
When I remember
Those special days
When Opoe made
Those large,
Soft,
Luscious
Cookies!
"Just One,"
She always said,
But somehow ---
Somehow I managed
To get two ---
Two of those great big,
Soft,
Chewy,
"Boterkoek" cookies!
And as I waited --
Patiently ---
She told me all about
Windmills,
Canals,
And poor children
in Holland.
I listened,
Politely, I think,
But mostly,
I ate.
I loved these buttery cookies!
More than any other
Cookie,
I loved Opoe's boterkoek
Best of all!

There's something magic
In just the thought
Of Opoe's
Boterkoek!
Something that drives me
To try to bring
Back to life
The memories of
Those bygone days.
Nothing else will do ---
No Oreo,
No Soft Batch,
No Toll House,
No Nutter Butter
Can still the stirring
Deep within my heart.

When once I get
That magic feeling
That I need to taste
Once more
A really big
And tasty Boterkoek
Like Opoe used to make --

I BAKE!!!!

--Cora

One of my all time favorite. . . .cookies???. . . . has to be BoterKoek. This means Butter Cake in Dutch. But to me, it's more like a butter cookie bar. Crisp on the outside, chewy and soft on the inside. A little more dense than a brownie. Why they call it cake is beyond me. My sister made this yesterday and it is just too good . . .melt in your mouth good . . . .who care's if you get fat good . . . .!!!!!

12 servings 50 min 20 min prep

2/3 cup butter or margarine or half-and-half
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons almond extract (I like 2 1/2 teaspoons in mine!)
1 egg, beaten (reserve 1 tsp)
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
sliced almonds, for garnish (optional but not the same with it)

In medium bowl, mix together butter, sugar and almond extract.
Add beaten egg except for 1 teaspoon.
Sift flour and baking powder, and add to bowl, mixing with wet ingredients.
Put dough in greased 9 inch pie plate.
Mix the reserved 1 tsp of beaten egg with 1 tsp of water, and brush over dough.
Sprinkle with sliced almonds, if desired. (My Oma always used the almonds, it looks pretty and adds a nice touch!).
Bake at 350 degress for 25-30 minutes or until done (firm to the touch).
This is a dense cake (like a bar cookie or hard brownie), but should be soft on the inside and hard on the outside, but not too hard!

Catching Up!

2009-10-13T10:18:00.002-04:00

I didn't know that it would be so hard to just be honest and say things just as they are. I guess I was brought up with the "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all!" --- And I really haven't had much that's NICE to say during the past weeks. And THAT is to my shame, isn't it?

Here, I've had good health, beautiful weather, all my needs supplied, a dog who worships the ground I walk on, a God who loves me, and air conditioning. What more could I ask for?????

But when you have finally admitted to yourself that you are a food addict and have a major problem with denying yourself ANYTHING that is edible, then there is a LOT you could ask for. In fact, it seems that as the weeks go by, the more foods you find that are low enough in calories to fit into the diet, the more it tastes like fodder. At first, I talked myself into liking cabbage, bean sprouts, alfalfa sprounts, and all the other sprouts. I told myself I liked the 0 calorie miracle noodles. And yes, there ARE 1001 ways to cook boneless, skinless, tasteless chicken breasts. I'm just so glad I have a sister who is honest like me. Most of our conversations lately have centered around the horrible plight of our diets, the fact that the scale is NOT rewarding our starvation efforts, and making daily lists of all the stuff we miss. Too bad we didn't have a tape recorder going. It would make a Number One Best Seller for anyone playing with the thought of going on a diet!

I did have my 3 month appointment with the oncologist who dared to bring up the subject of dieting. That was Friday, the 9th ---- 77 days after starting the diet. I did feel like a winner, having lost 31 pounds on my own WITHOUT the surgery he suggested. He did make a big deal about it, was very happy, encouraged me on, blah, blah blah. . . . . but I did tell him that he had slipped to the very bottom of my list of people I liked!!!!! He didn't seem to care at all.

31 pounds. . . . NOT ONCE during those 77 days did I cheat. NOT A MORSEL! I really had expected to lose more than that, but I'm resigned now into believing that thing that "the older you get, the harder it is to lose." But I want you to know that when I left that doctor's office, I headed straight to the meat market and picked out the best looking rib eye steaks and had a feast that night. Baked potato, asparagus, cauliflour and steak! My reward for myself.

So now comes the next goal. I have to have another 3 month goal. I'm thinking that the next 30 pounds will be harder, holidays in the middle of it all, etc. But I'm still going to aim for 30.

As much as I have complained, kicked, and bucked the whole diet system, I must say, this has been very good for me. It has taken my mind off of the cancer, the thoughts of death and dying, how I might die, what if it comes back, and all that goes with the breast cancer thing. It was one thing to be "done" with treatments on April 15th.
And people do treat you like it's all "done." But I found the same thing happening to ME as with so many others. It's NEVER "done." It's always there. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see the disfigured, burn scarred, stitched scarred one-breasted chest. When I take a shower, I feel that numb, boney rib where a breast once was. When I try to shave under my arm, I can't feel anything as the nerves are all numb.
My hair is not the same, my face fell, my teeth rotted, my eyes got worse, etc., ---- all reminding me daily of the price of breast cancer. To say nothing of the pill. Every single day for the rest of my life I take the pill that causes the sweats. And these are the MEGA sized sweats!!!!!!! So no, it's never "all done."

But I say all that to say this, dieting has given me something else to think about besides cancer. Not sure that the exchange is the best, but at least it is a step up from death and dying of cancer!!!!!! Meal planning, calorie counting, counting my steps as I walk, walking through the grocery store like a hungry cougar telling myself I deserve ANYTHING, no matter what the price, if it fits into this diet plan. It's gotten to be like treasure hunt, believe me.

I keep visualizing the 31 pounds I've lost. That's 124 sticks of butter!!!!!! Yes, I still drool at the thought of a big, greasy, pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, but I've stopped roaring! Buster and I look forward to a few honey nut cheerios at night now . . . . . a looooooong way from the bowls of ice cream we used to have together . . . . . . .!!!!!!!!!

I'm an Addict!!!!

2009-09-15T11:52:00.004-04:00

I guess a lot of you have wondered where in the world I've been during the past 5 weeks or so!!!! I think "stewing" would be the best word I can think of. Just stewing in my own pot of shame, guilt, anger, resentment, remorse, wishful thinking, bargaining, trade-off's, and whatever else goese with trying to "fix" myself up!

I had to face the truth: I am addicted to food. Not the usual addiction that people have to a chocolate bar, or some sweets now and then. This is a major, can't-live-with-out-it, I might just die, type of addiction. And let's face it ---- who in all of blogland wants to hear about the diet whinings of an old lady who, at 61 years old, STILL can't put down her fork, push away from the table and say, "That's enough, you fat slob!"

Most people diet quietly. After a month or so, you begin to notice something is different and you have to ASK them if they are dieting, and they quietly tell you, yes, and leave it at that. They are pleased you noticed but it is not the topic of their life. ME????? THE WHOLE WORLD knows I'm on a diet. I'm going down kicking and screaming. I'm NOT a happy camper. I think even the people in the grocery store know and dread my scowling face as I stomp through the store.

You can talk all about the health benefits, how much better I'll feel, how happy my heart will be with less weight, how my joints will feel better, my blood pressure will go down, how I'm a prime candidate for diabetes, etc., etc. You can tell me HOW to diet -- less carbs, vegetarian, low fat, low calories, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, MediFast, OptiFast, etc., etc. Been there, done them all, failed at everything. Let's face it -- I CRAVE pizza, bread, butter, red meat, tacos, noodles, and more bread! It's more than crave. I don't think there's a word for it --- except addiction. I think about it day and night. I WANT it all the time.

I've tried telling myself all these diet meals are great. Want to know the truth????? They stink! Downright terrible. Even Buster has given up sitting at the table with me. Pretty bad when HE would rather his Pedigree kibbles than my . . . . . slop!

But guess what????? This is the honest truth! I HAVE NOT CHEATED ONCE!!!!! I have stuck to this as if my life depended on it. I can't believe that an oncologist would have such power over me, that just saying, "Have you thought about a diet?" would throw my whole life into such an upheavel! I guess I knew I'd have to find a new doctor if I didn't do it.

My goal was to lose 35 pounds by October 9th! (My next dr. appointment). I've lost 24 so far. Don't think I'll make it. Please understand that this is just a "short therm goal" as I have about 135 pounds to go yet! But I needed a short term goal --- one with possible and probable success. After that????. . . .!!!!! This, by far, has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And the most miserable! If there were a chemo treatment that would make you lose weight, I'd go through all of that again twice over rather than this horror.

If ANY of you knew how badly I want a pizza right now. . . . . . .!!!!!!!!!!!

Pluggin' Along!

2009-08-04T14:47:00.002-04:00

It's been 10 days of cabbage soup. . . . and I've lost 10 pounds. Today, as I was cooking my THIRD huge kettle of soup, I wondered if I could eat it again and again. . . . and again. . . . and yet again!!!!!

But I must say, it hasn't been that bad, and I have NOT been hungry. I eat a bowl before my VERY light lunch and before my supper.

Some of you have thought that this was ALL I'm eating. NO WAY! I'm trying to eat a balanced diet but still stay at or under 800 calories a day. I don't exercise much. I'm totally out of shape since the cancer treatments. So I don't burn many calories in a day. I'm trying to walk a little each day so maybe I can build that up. But until then, I don't think I BURN many calories in a day!

I did one of those google searches for metabalic rate chart thingie, and I found one site with a calculator. You type in your age, weight, height, and how active you are, and it gives you an estimate of how many calories you burn in a day. Mine said 2400. So if I eat 800 calories in a day, that's a deficit of 1600 calories. It takes 3500 calories to make a pound. Doing the math, I should lose about 1 pound every 2 1/2 days. This is going to be slow going!!!!!

Don't you just HATE it when someone goes on a diet???? That's all they talk about. What they eat, what they don't eat, how hungry they are, how they feel, how their clothing fits, how everything they used to eat is now like a SIN, etc., etc. It just goes on and on and on. . . . . !!!!! As if we all didn't know. But here I am, doing it! It's all about FOOD!!!!!! And the SCALE!!!! It makes or breaks my whole day.
If only I could stay OFF THE SCALE! But it is what gives me the encouragement to stay ON the diet when it goes down!

Buster runs the yard a million times as I walk the sidewalk. He's slimming up really nice. I'm soooooo jealous!

Cabbage Soup!

2009-07-27T12:55:00.003-04:00

A lot of you have asked me for the recipe for the cabbage soup I mentioned in the last post, so I thought I would post it here. In fact, there is a whole website dedicated to this "diet" that features the cabbage soup. If you are interested, you can go here:

http://www.cabbage-soup-diet.com/index.php

You can click on the soup recipe there.

I think this recipe and diets revolving around it have been around for a million years. I can remember when a group of us decided we would all try it, and we all had cabbage soup coming out of our ears! It worked, but after a while, I never wanted to see another bowl of that stuff!!!My recipe has evolved over the years to suite my tastes and to satisfy my hunger. I will have a bowl of this for lunch, then another bowl before my VERY low cal supper. I don't do the rest of the diet as outlined on that site. I'm just eating VERY low cal right now. Gotta get it off FAST as the days are going by before that dreaded Dr. visit!

And I have an awful confession to make. I even have to lose MORE than he knows because I leaned on the desk when I was weighed, so it looked like I weighed less than I really did. So. . . . . that didn't help me out any. With the outcome of the dr. visit being what it was, I would have been better off making myself look like I weighed MORE rather than less. I'm not even down to what my chart says, no less lost anything! I'm paying for my sin!

So here goes:

1 large head of cabbage (remove outer, tough leaves) chopped
3 or 4 yellow onions, chopped
LOTS of celery, chopped fine
2 peppers, chopped (yellow, green or red,)
8 carrots, peeled and sliced
2 large cans of diced tomatoes with juice (seasoned ones work well)
1 large jar of V-8 juice
2 envelopes Liptons beefy onion soup
Seasonings: (it's up to you!)
Sometimes I do taco seasonings, sometimes italian, sometimes just garlic, salt and pepper.
Add enough water to make it SOUP and not STEW! you might need a beef boullian or two.

That is the BASIC thing that I do. But from there, it's all what I have available and the time of the year. I have used yellow summer squash, zucchinni, a few green beans, etc. Any of the low cal, low carb veggies. I had a bag of frozen italian veggies and a bag of stir fry veggies, and I threw those in.

Also, you can change the whole flavor by using chicken stock, or chicken boullian, or the Liptons chicken onion soup.

If I have no ideas for supper and don't feel like cooking, I'll throw a few of those little frozen meatballs and a little bit of cooked pasta or rice in the soup and just have that.

I'm not saying this is the best soup in the world, but it sure is filling and about as low in calories as a soup can get (outside of just plain broth!), and that's what I need to get me through the day.

I've lost 5 pounds since Friday!!!!!!

Seems Like Forever!!!!

2009-07-24T12:33:00.003-04:00

I have been so frustrated with Blogger the past few weeks. Am I the only one with problems???? I keep getting error messages with a diagnostic thingy to go through. Then, when I do that, it repeats again. Then, finally, I might see my own blog. Worse yet, when I go to all of YOUR blogs, I can't seem to see the posts most of the time. I get the title bar with your blog header, I get your "down the side" stuff with the links and pictures, but NO POSTS. Just blank pages. Then, miracles of miracles, one time out of a million, I get to read a blog, try to comment, and poof ---- it's gone!

Believe me, I have not been ignoring anyone. Just can't get to you! Have patience, as I'm working on it. Anyone else out there with this going on????? Seems to have started when Internet Explorer downloaded an update or something. Everything went haywire on my computer!

Since my last post, I've been doing fine here. HOT, but fine! Had a birthday last week, celebrated with a big, juicy steak, but decided to leave off the cake. I wanted to buy myself one of those sheet cakes and have them cover it completely with those icing roses. No writing, no blank spots ---- just LOTS of roses!!!! But when I came back to reality, I decided it wouldn't be worth the months it would take to get those roses off my hips again. And believe me, those hips don't need reenforcements at this time!

Now that I've brought up that subjebt of HIPS. . . .!!!!! I went to my oncologist this past Monday and it was NOT a happy visit! He was super nice ---- nicer than he usually is with his blunt, to the point, comments. This time, he was smiley, complimented me on how great I looked, etc. You have to know that up until this point, he has never mentioned my weight or chided me to lose, etc. But today, he leaned back in his chair, and asked THE question. . . . . "Have you ever considered surgery and the lap band procedure to help you lose the weight? I've heard great things and fantastic reports are coming in about the results with this!" I felt the big "L" being branded on my forehead (L stands for LOSER, if you didn't know!)

I didn't say much, but he then went on to tell me all the stuff I already knew . . . would help with the blood pressure, I'd feel so much better, I wouldn't have all the aches and pains in the joints, etc., etc. I've been down this road. Lost it all years ago. After gaining it all back, I just haven't had the energy, the will power, or that "I can do it" victorious feeling it takes to even start!!!!!

So. . . . he gets off that terrible subject, gets me on the exam table and starts poking and squishing. Then. . . . I made the mistake of asking the wrong question. I asked if I could get the port out any time soon. You know, that horrible thing they use to pump the chemo into you. I have to have it "flushed out" every 6 weeks so that blood clots don't form in it. That means a huge needle getting whacked into my chest, heperin pumped in there, then flushed out, etc., etc., every six weeks. I thought it was a legitimate question being that I'm done with chemo, wouldn't you think?

He sighs a big sigh, rubs his bald head, and says, "LOOK!!!" (I know that's trouble!)
"Let's face reality here. Given the severity and spread of your cancer, the long wait before you got treatment, we have to face the fact that it IS going to come back. Not IF, mind you! I don't know when, but it will come back. So you will need that port in there!"

What a reality check that was. All this time, I go to sleep with all the "what if's" going through my head. Now, it's no long what if, but rather WHEN!!!!! Doesn't help with the "Getting on with your life" idea that I'm supposed to be doing.

And it certainly doesn't help with the idea of a diet. Mind you, I'm the type of person that, if you say I can't do something, I'll die in the process of trying to prove you wrong! So. . . . now that this dr. thinks I can't do it on my own, I seem to have this "do or die" thing going on. It took a few days for me to work it up, but I'm now really into it. I went out and bought my trusty heads of cabbage for my No Fail cabbage diet soup and will eat that for three months, even if it kills me! It will be three months before I see this dr. again, and so help me. . . . .!!!!!!

So . . . . no cake, no steak, no homemade bread, no butter, no nothing!!!!!!

UPDATE FROM BUSTER: WHERE'S THE BEEF??????

You have to understand that Buster has ALWAYS sat at the table like this, ever since I got him at 7 weeks old! He doesn't drool, doesn't beg, doesn't whine. . . . doesn't even MOVE!!! But always waits patiently to see if there is ANYTHING left for him. No beef tonight, buddy! Cabbage soup did NOT interest him at all!

PET Scan results

2009-07-08T10:13:00.005-04:00

Last Thursday, I finally went for my PET scan. It's always a nerve-wracking thing to do, believe me. Not because it's scarey or hurts, etc., ---- it's just that you dread hearing the results. And even that is strange, because you want the results immediately, if not sooner, but there is still that dread that you might hear the worst of the worst. But they won't tell you a thing!!! Not even a hint! Just lovely, smiling faces tht tell you, "Your doctor will call you if he needs to talk with you about your scan. Have a nice day!" And so you go home, wondering, praying for the best, dreading the worst, and again wondering where all that faith is. . . .!!!!

I've come to the place where I call breast cancer the "What If" disease! There are just way too many gray areas. Too many things left unanswered. Too many "wait and see" issues. Too many statistics. Every headache, pain, cramp, lump, bump, etc., becomes a "What if" and you feel more paranoid than you ever thought possible. Add to that, waiting for the test results to a PET scan is pure torture! It just shouldn't be! Supposedly, if they don't call, everything is OK and there's nothing to worry about. But then, the "What if's" start in: What if the Dr. didn't see that piece of paper and it's buried on his desk? What if someone forgot to call me? What if he's on vacation? And so, we're back to the "What if" game???? It got so bad that I actually thought that maybe he just isn't calling because I'll see him on the 20th anyways and then he'll give me the bad news that it's hopeless and there's nothing he can do for me! Now THAT is what I call stretching the imaginary scenerios to the limit, don't you think??????

So. . . Here it is Wednesday. I've been waiting since Thursday. Can I breathe yet?
I couldn't stand it this morning. I called the cancer center and asked. I just know that some gal answering the phone is going to get that huge rubber stamp out of her desk drawer today and the bright red ink pad and stamp on the cover of my chart, "HIGH MAINTENANCE PATIENT!!!!" You know, those patients that call constantly about everything from a runny nose to a stubbed toe! But I didn't care today. I just think the "No call if everything is ok" policy stinks!

So the gal on the other end of the phone says, "I'll pull your chart and have a nurse call you back with the results." It's been an hour. . . .. no call back yet!

Have you ever had a PET scan? I've often wondered how they come up with these things. The night before and the day of the scan, you can't eat or drink any carbs or suger, etc. 6 hours before the scan, nothing. Then, when you get there, they give you a shot of radioactive glucose. You wait for about 40 minutes to an hour for this to go through your system. Next, you lay on a plank, knees bent, arms over your head, and you go through an arch. I thought it was a tunnel at first, but it is open at each end and short enough that my head and/or feet were hanging out each end. Not as clostrophobic as you might think. The first pass through the "arch" is a CT scan that shows the skeletal system. This is fast. The second pass takes about 20 - 30 minutes. This one shows the rest of everything that's inside of you. The radioactive glucose has now circulated throughout your body, and cancer cells are grabbing onto the glucose because they are VERY hungry by now. So. . . if there is anything cancerious in your body, it will light up like a Christmas tree on the scan results.

I had my first PET scan back in February and nothing showed up then. I'm still sitting here wondering about this one. . . . ??????!!!!!!!

UPDATE!!! The Cancer Center just called to let me know that NOTHING showed up on the PET Scan! THANK YOU, LORD!!!! I wonder if I added up all the time I spent worrying about this in the past two weeks or so, how much time I actually wasted?????? To say NOTHING of how much I heaped on others with all my whining and worrying about all the "what if's!" Next time I start with all this and whine to ya'll, just tell me to stuff a sock in it, won't you????? Seriously, though, I do appreciate all your prayers for me. Thank you from the cockles of my heart!!!!! (When I was a kid, my pastor referred to "the cockles of his heart" and I always wondered what "cockles" were! Does anyone know????) I just Googled it, and if you really have to know, click here:
http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-coc2.htm

An Old Farmer's Advice!

2009-07-01T20:27:00.004-04:00

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *

*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.*

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*

* Every path has a few puddles.*

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*

* Always drink upstream from the herd.*

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.*

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*

*Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*
--

Don't pick a fight with an old man.. If he is too old to fight,

he'll just kill you.

Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come and pull you out of the bind you've gotten yourself into!!!!!

Just to Let you Know!

2009-06-27T16:24:00.001-04:00

So many of you have been asking me how I'm doing, and I so much appreciate all your concern and prayers. One of the greatest benefits about blogging that I never knew was there before is how many great friends I've made and how many have committed themselves to praying for me. I can't begin to tell you all how thankful I am for that and how encouraging it is to get your notes, etc. THANK YOU and big hugs to all of you!!!!!

I have been feeling really good the past few weeks. It is a strange thing -- after going through chemo, then surgery, then radiation, you forget what "good" really is. I thought I was feeling "good" after I got through chemo and that was done. Little did I know that "good" could be so much better!!!!

I just wish my hair would grow faster. I still look like a marine! And I'm so disappointed that it did not come back in curly. It is sooooooo straight. Poker straight!!!! My sister asked me what color it is. I was hoping for blond like I was when I was a kid, or at least a nice "old lady white" or all gray. Instead, I look like a squirrel. You know, that grayish, whitish, brownish thing with a few black hairs here and there, etc. It will need a lot of work, believe me, when it's long enough.

My only problem right now is a lump I found at the mastectomy site, just a little above the stitch line. It's about the size of a cherry. At first, I wondered if it was a rib, since it has only been recently that I could actually feel anything there. Before this, it was either swollen from the surgery, or so burned that I couldn't touch it. It's taken a while for all the swelling to go down, and now that it has, I found this crazy little cherry sized lump. I asked my Primary care Dr. about it, and she sent me for a chest x-ray. That report went to my oncologist, and I went in to see him yesterday. He's also puzzled by it and doesn't know what it is. So I'm lined up for a PET scan on July 2nd.

So once again, all those thoughts flood through my mind. All the "what if"s", the "I can't go through this again," the "what if it has spread," and all the rest just keep sneaking into my thoughts. I know you will all tell me not to think about it, but . . . . . you just can't help it. I've come to call cancer the "What If Disease." It seems to be the major thought process of anyone I know who has gone or is going through this. The trouble is, there is no answer to all those "what if's". I'm the first to tell other people not to worry, that most of it all doesn't happen anyways, etc., etc. But when it's ME, then it's a different story. I seem to allow myself all the "what if's!"

Today, the area is a little sore. That oncologist of mine is not a gentle soul! He goes at you like you are a two pound ball of bread dough and starts kneading, pushing, prodding, poking, squishing, squeezing, etc., until you feel your ribs are going to break. And when he starts under your armpits, or does a breast exam, you wonder if you will even have a breast left when he is through. Believe me, if that's how we are supposed to do a self-breast exam, NONE of us do it right! I'm sure that's why it's sore today. Every time he does this, I lay there on that exam table with my fist clenched, ready to sock him one. I haven't yet, but there may come a day when you will hear on the news about the first case in Florida where a doctor sues a patient for socking him in the face!!!!!

So. . . .don't know when the report will be back from the Pet scan. Usually it takes a few days. And since they don't call you if the scan is clear, you just wait and worry an appropriate amount of time and then figure everything is OK! I'll give it until the 9th of July, and then let my breath out!

Another Angel in my Life!

2009-06-17T17:23:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago, I posted about Teresa and the impact she has had on my life and the lives of other cancer patients at the Cancer Center.

Today, I'd like to introduce you to another "angel" I met some time ago -- Mary!

Mary is the owner of Stillwater Dog Training, more readily known in my house as "Bad Boy School." Those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning know all about this place, about Buster, my chocolate lab, and all the trials and tribulations he has put me through. I signed up for dog training classes with Mary, and let me tell you, I have never forgotten her.

First of all, she was just the nicest person you would ever want to meet. She put the class at ease, as we all felt we had the worst possible dog in the world and would definitely flunk out (I ended up winning that award!) It didn't surprise me at all when she closed that part of the class with prayer, and I knew she was someone who knew the Lord personally and really cared about us all. She took her job so seriously and wanted us all to succeed and make it through the trouble spots we had with our dogs.

I always felt at ease with Mary. She would always take time to answer my questions as I related my problems about Buster with her. It was such a dark time for me, as I was really thinking I would have to get rid of him if things didn't change. She encouraged me every single week, and I would go home and try again and put him through all the exercises and commands.

It didn't end well, as Buster became more stubborn, self-willed and defiant, and you will remember that I didn't go back for that last class. I felt like such a failure and wondered over the next few months if Buster and I would really make it.

I contacted Mary a few times after that, and she has always been helpful, encouraging, and just. . . . . so nice! And when I found out about my cancer and all the treatments coming my way, I had questions and doubts about Buster. She promised to pray for me and Buster and somehow, I knew she would!

Buster has come a long way. Maybe someone who didn't know him a year ago would raise an eyebrow and call him a wild maniac of a dog. But to me, he's an angel compared to what he was. And I owe it all to Mary, the techniques she taught me, and her prayers!

I remember those first few classes. . . . I had delusions of grandeur, thinking that I would love to be a dog trainer like Mary. She just loved her work, loved her dogs, gave so much to the community with Ruger, her work dog. You can read about her and Ruger
HERE!.

But I soon found out that dog training is definitely a gift from God! And I don't have it! Mary has chosen to share that gift with others by teaching us how to handle our dogs properly! But even further than that, she has trained her own dog to be a "sniffer", to work with police and law enforcement, and to be a rescue dog. She has given so much of herself! I know how much it has meant to ME during this past year to have Buster's slobbery kisses and his happy face around me ---- something I would NOT have had, believe me, if Mary had not helped me with all the behavioral issues!

Thank you, Mary, for all you do for so many people! I know I'm not the only one who has been impacted by your life and your talents!

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. . . Others come and stay awhile, encourage us, show us a way we never saw before, and somehow, we are never the same again.

Rainy Days and Mondays

2009-06-08T14:28:00.006-04:00

No, they don't get me down --- in fact, I LOVE rainy days, and today is one of those. After such a long season of drought here in Florida, we are finally seeing a return to those daily showers, and sometimes --- just long, rainy days! Like today!

The day started out sunny, but it gradually got darker and darker as the gray clouds moved overhead. Then, I heard the drops hitting the exhaust fan thingy on the roof. And Buster and I headed for the back porch. He's not much for playing in the rain, but does love it when I go out and sit in the rocking chair, so he was all gung-ho!

It was one of those steady, hard rains, no wind, no thunder and lightening -- just rain coming straight down. I noticed all the leaves on the trees dancing as they got showered and washed. Puddles were forming fast, and the birdbath soon overflowed. A very large toad, afraid of rising flood waters, hopped across the lawn, through the fence and off to safer, higher ground.

And then it happened. . .

Buster was bored with it all, but for my sake, laid down on the porch and tried to act like he was enjoying the whole thing. All of a sudden, he was up like a shot ---- a squirrel was sitting on the sidewalk, wondering where to go to keep dry. I don't think he had a chance to decide as Buster was fast on his tail, telling him where to go. Up that tree he went, but I noticed he was smart enough to hang on the underside of a big limb which served as an umbrella. He was a little smarter than Buster who stood there in the pouring rain looking up the tree! Poor Buster! He just can't seem to catch one.

I'm always amazed at the birds during a storm. The whole time it was raining, I never saw or heard one bird. But it seems they just know when it's about over and begin to sing. There is nothing more beautiful than the choir of birds singing at the end of storm. Today, it was the wren who started off with the solo part. Then the woodpecker made it a duet. Wasn't long before the bluejay added a perky little tune, and then the flycatcher. Soon, the titmice, cardinals and others joined in. I always wonder how they seem to know when the end of the storm is near????

And you talk about making the best of a bad situation!!!! A pair of cardinals came out and perched in the cherry tree, then began rubbing up against the wet leaves. Definitely a very unique way to take a shower!

I always loved the song playing --- Rainy Days and Mondays. But they don't get me down. Today, it cheered me up! I came back inside, enjoyed a bowl of hot, homemade hamburger and veggie soup, and thanked the Lord for all His goodness towards me! Buster is laying next to me, soaking wet but dreaming of squirrels, and we are both waiting for the next rainy day to come our way!