The Desert Place

Have you ever been in that place where you feel so alone, you wonder if God is even hearing your prayers, And your reading of His Word seems dry and distant? I've been there. And I've wondered why. My first thought is always guilt -- that it must be me, that I've done something wrong, missed something that I was supposed to do, learn, be, or whatever, and got off track with my Christian life. But I have learned that the greatest lessons taught to me was in that Desert Place where I thirsted more than ever and walked with sand in my shoes to a place called nowhere. Lately, I've been reviewing the life of Hagar and how she trudged her way through the desert with her baby boy --- only to have a meeting with the Lord Himself and to learn His Name -- El Roi --- The God who Sees. And He provided a well to quench their thirst and gave hope, direction, and a vision of her future. He doesn't leave us there and He always has a purpose!

The Desert Place

To think that He would bring me here was never in my plan.

My dreams were quiet valleys where the deeper waters ran

To feed within Your pastures green and not a fear to trace --

Oh, Father, why the choice of this, the lonely desert place?

Paths that lead me nowhere, and I walk them all alone.

Futile days of desert heat, and nights that chill the bone.

I’m tired, Lord, so tired of the heavy, aching heart!

Tired of defeated days before they even start.

Where can I find my song again? Oh, Father, can it be

That even in this desert place you have forgotten me?

“I never will forsake thee!” Oh, how sweet the promise is!

To know that I am not alone, for I’m a child of His.

Oh, Father, may I learn that you will feed me with thy bread,

That somewhere in this desert place you have a table spread.

Teach me all the lessons which you think that I should know,

And may I pay attention to where e’er thy footsteps go,

So when another pilgrim finds his way into this land,

And cries, “I am so lonely!” I can say, “I understand.”

I will not doubt that through it all, You know what’s best for me.

And may I find within this place my chosen ministry.

And when the evening hours come and sunlight starts to dim,

I’ll know that I was not alone, but walked today with Him.

--Cora Eelman

Whispers of Grace

Yesterday, I was blog hopping and read the most beautiful post about listening to the whispers of Grace instead of all the negative voices that shout back at us from our mirrors. I don't know where I was, or I would direct you back there. The post ended in a question, asking what we were hearing today. And this is my response to that heart searching question:

Whispers of Grace

Grace opens closet doors and reaches far
As far as it must take to find me there,
Hiding, scared, and fearing all that hurts,
But Grace embraces, whispers words of care.

Grace sees the soiled dress, so ripped and frayed,
Stained, and far beyond a needle and a thread,
But Grace redresses me in robes of white,
And whispers, This is all you need instead.

Grace sees the dying embers of my dreams,
Ashes of the bridges I have burned,
But Grace with sweetest breath fans life anew
And turns all my mistakes to lessons learned.

Grace sees my feet, as I would start to stray,
Leaving paths that lead to good and right,
Grace picks me up, and points me in the way
And places in my hand a guiding light.

I listen to the voices in my soul
Not Good Enough is knocking at my door,
Unloved and Left Alone would stay too long,
But Grace, in whispers, says, I love you more.

Grace rebuilds the bridges I once burned,
Leading back to Him who loves me so,
How can such love be mine, I humbly cry,
Grace whispers, And how much, you’ll never know!

So loud the voices, chasing from behind!
Words that tear and rip my soul apart!
So quiet, soft, a whispered breath of Grace,
And all is calm again within my heart!

--Cora Eelman

Lord, show me where I can whisper a breath of Grace today!

He Loves Me Still!

I really wanted to quit blogging, take my blog down, and leave this strange, wonderful world. But I couldn't! I've made some of the most wonderful friendships I've ever had here --- soul friends who are walking the same paths, striving for the same things, hurting deeply in the same ways, and rejoicing with the same songs. I weep when one leaves, as I feel that empty place they leave within my heart. All of you inspire me with the depths of your writing, the earnestness of your walk with the Lord, and the greatness of your desire to be the women (and men!) God wants to mold of you. I've been changed by all of this. Deeply changed. Recently, I've watched and listened to a struggling heart. I've prayed for peace, insight, and wisdom for this one. I've thanked Him for the victories, the smiles, and the light on this one's path. I'm amazed at the depth of her soul and her willingness to share it. My dear one, you know who you are, and this is for you:

He Loves Me Still

I bend, my strength is all but gone to stand against the wind.
A wind, relentless with intent that I should break,
And fall into the mire of guilt and shame.
My weakness cries it’s more than I can take.
More than this frailest form can cling and hold,
And roots I thought were deeper than the sea
Now ripping, losing hold within my heart,
And scattered at my feet, all splintered dreams of what I thought was me.

He sees me there, a spineless wreck, holding in these hands my fractured self.
I dare not look, my shame is pushing down this bent and broken child.
He knows where I’m most weak, and likely to be broken in the storm,
That storm that comes again, and still again, raging in the darkness strong and wild.
And yet, He loves me still, so much, He lifts His nail-scarred, loving hands
And cups my tear-stained face, then lifting mine to His,
What cost Him all and everything flows through this heart of mine -
Forgiveness! Can it be He loves me still, even after all of this?

Cora Eelman

The Shadows of the Heart

The Shadows of the Heart

It couldn’t be true -- It just couldn’t!
There had to be some mistake. . .
Maybe someone else. . .
That’s it!
It wasn’t Him.
It was someone else!

All these people in my way!
Can’t they see I’m in a hurry?
I’ve got to get there. . .
I’ve got to know for sure. . .
It’s got to be someone else!
Oh God, let it be someone else!

Could it really be Him?
Are these people right?
Just a few days ago I stood here
Right here on this very street,
And hailed Him as my King!
My Messiah,
My Savior from this awful Roman rule.
Could this be Him today?
Please no!
Please let it be someone else!

There He is!
There’s the one they’re talking about!
I’ve got to see His face,
I’ve got to know fore sure!
Excuse me, sir, please let me through.
I’ve got to know if it is Him.
Are you sure? Absolutely sure?
The One that did the miracles,
The One that healed,
The One that fed so many,
And held children
On His knee?

It IS Him!
Oh, God, it is Jesus!
I’m not staying here to watch this!
I’ve been taken for a fool!
I believed in this Man,
I was so sure. . .
So so sure. . .
Oh, I’m such a fool!
I should have known it wasn’t real!

Well, He deserves what He’s getting. . .
King. . . What a joke!
He took us all for fools, didn’t He?
Kings don’t hang on crosses!
Kings don’t die before their coronation!
Kings are not prisoners!
Whose the greater fool -- Him or me?

Just look at this street full of people!
Look at the anger!
Look at the disappointment!
All I see is revenge. . .
And fear!
That’s it . . . Fear?


Where are the children?
They always play in the streets!
They were here just a few days ago,
Walking and singing Hosanna
To this One
We all called King!
Look. . . There they are!
They are hiding, afraid just like me.
They are hiding in the shadows. . .
Disappointed, unbelieving!

He never looked back. . .
He never saw the cross. . .
He never understood, even from the start!
No one knew his name. . .
Or knew from where he came. . .
He slipped into the shadows
Of his unbelieving heart!

--Cora Eelman

Becoming

Dear Lord,

Somehow, please help them to understand,
Because right now,
In all my confusion,
Disappointments,
And searching,
I don’t even
Understand
Myself.

Help them to understand
I’m struggling ---
And struggling hard ---
To find the answers ---
Your answers ---

To questions I don’t know
How to ask,
And sometimes,
I’m not even sure
I know the questions
Knawing at my soul.

Somehow, Lord, please help them to understand --
I want your best
For me
And those I love.
It seems right now
The things I thought
You chose as best
Are not;
Yet, still,
I cannot find
Just what it is
That will replace
My best with Yours.

Somehow, Lord, please, somehow --
There must be someone who understands;
Someone brave enough,
Someone who cares enough
To hug me and to say,
“I understand,
I’ve been there,
I’ll walk the road again
And see you through.”

Somehow, dear Lord, help me
To help them understand.
I’m so afraid
Of sharing all the depths
Of all that hurts,
Of all that doubts,
Of all that yearns and thirsts
For something more.
It hurts when those
Who do not care
Turn away from me
As if I were diseased.
Help them to understand
I need to struggle
And struggle hard
To become ---
Oh, Father,
To become what?

That’s it, Oh Lord,
That’s all they need to understand ---
I want no more
And be assured,
I want no less,
Than to become
Like YOU!

Not high,
Not mighty,
Not lofty,
Or above them;

Not more spiritual,
Not more wise,
Only more like You.

Help them to understand, dear Lord,
I need some time --
Time alone --
Yet,, not alone --
For oh, that they could know
How I yearn for their support
And love,
And yes,
Even an understanding tear.

I’ll do my best --
I have no other choice.
I’ve weighed my options,
Counted all the costs ---
And turning back ---
(back to what?) --
Is not one option
I cannot think about.
I’ll do my best
To learn the unlearned art
Of becoming. . .

Becoming patient
Of those who think
Pat answers always work.

Becoming loving
Of those who are unlovely.

Becoming compassionate
Of those who turn away.

Becoming lovely
And beautiful,
And endearing
To those who say
Unlovely things.

Becoming ---
Oh Father,
I never knew
It would be so hard
To become
Just a little more
Like You!

--Cora Eelman

Continuing counting my grace gifts. . . .

585. Sales on pork roasts, fish, veggies, and even my favorite bread.

586. Cooler weather after a long, hot summer.

587. Watching leaves lose their grip on their branch and slowly dance to the ground.

588. Birds who seem to know within seconds that I have filled their feeder.

589. A diet that works for me (Weight Watchers.)

590. Buster, who doesn't care if I'm fat as long as I'm happy and not crabby.

591. Sharing recipes with friends and finding encouragement and support.

Since Yesterday

Tony is finally home!

It seems so long since yesterday
When he was with us here.
Though weak and tired and struggling,
We knew that he was near.
But now we stand upon this shore,
His path we cannot trace.
We only know since yesterday
He saw his Savior's face.

His first day home since yesterday --
We wonder at the thought!
We'll never know that special joy
That moment must have brought;
No clouds, no mists, since yesterday,
No pain, no questions, "why?"
Unshadowed now he sees the sun
As time has passed him by.

We miss him so since yesterday,
Each memory seems so real.
We long to share, to see him smile,
His special love to feel;
Yet, could we call him back again,
To leave his soul's delight,
To leave the gladness of the morn
For one more painful night?

Ah, no, we let him go with love,
For we shall meet some day.
We would not take away the joy
He's known since yesterday.
Could we deny the special gift
The Savior had to give?
For he who struggled so for life
Has just begun to live!
--Cora Eelman

Angels or Friends?

During the past few weeks, I've thought a lot about the people who have come into my life during this cancer journey. Some of them I have gotten to know through blogging, some through other cancer patients, and some I met at the Cancer Center. Each one has made a difference in my life in some way, whether it be through an encouraging card, a hug, a note, a gift, or by just being there. Last night, I thought about one person in particular --- her name is Teresa!

If you were a patient at this particular cancer center, you would have met Teresa on your very first visit. I remember that day so vividly, as it was NOT the happiest day of my life, believe me! I walked in the big, double glass doors, and went to the counter where the sign-in clip board was waiting for me. I signed my name, and put the pen down, and went to find a seat in the big waiting room. I noticed a blond gal open the glass window and reach for that sheet and cross my name off with a yellow marking pen. I later found out that her name was Teresa.

If you have been to one of these waiting rooms, you will know that these are not pleasant places. In fact, I was very much aware of the fact that no one made eye contact, no one talked with each other, and most looked very sick and miserable and in their own little world. And this with much reason to be this way. After all, they were all fighting for their lives, and I'm sure some were losing the battle. So. . . you would sit there and stare at your shoes until the big, heavy door opened and some cheerful, bright-eyed nurse called your name and you disappeared into the treatment part of the building.

I never had any other contact with Teresa during those first visits. I just knew she was there. . . until . . .

About half way through my treatment, I walked in for an appointment and there was a big desk in the waiting room. This was going to be Teresa's new place to work. After that day, she was always there at this desk, had her computer set up there, and was always busy doing something --- sorting mail, answering questions, checking on people's appointments, etc. At first, she seemed quiet, but pleasant. But I noticed as I came back time after time that things were changing in the waiting room. Teresa was beginning to know everyone by their first names and greeted each of us as we came in the door. She always asked how we were doing, remember something about us and engaged us in conversation. I know I immediately felt at ease with her, and soon was laughing and sharing stories about our growing up, etc. The whole atmosphere in the waiting room changed, and I noticed others more talkative and alive. It was no longer the waiting room for Heaven!

When I started radiation and had to go every single day, I actually looked forward to seeing Teresa. One day, I mentioned that I was soooooo very tired of wearing the "chemo hats" to cover my head. She asked if my hair was growing and I said yes, and whipped off my hat at that moment to show her. Her reaction was just so nice and encouraging that I never put it on again. I went home, dug out my make up, and decided I was going to be a woman again from that day on! Thank you, Teresa!!!

You know, I wonder if people really realize what an impact they make on a person's life! You don't have to be a doctor, or a chemo nurse to change someone's day! In fact, I probably had more contact with this one gal than I did with anyone else at the cancer center, and I always went away feeling a little more light hearted and encouraged because of her. I would have to say that someone saw something in her and knew that the best use of her talents would be right there in the waiting room where she could interact with patients when they first came in. Smart move!

I don't know what others saw when they looked at her --- just another employee? a receptionist? someone to answer questions? someone to open the mail? Somehow I remember looking at her closely one day ------ and I'm sure I saw wings!!!

Angel or Friend?
Someday I'll Know!

They come and go, more quickly than
I'd really like, you know.
Sometimes I know their names,
But mostly, when I'd least expect,
they go.
Sometimes they hug me tight,
Silent, but so loving as I cry.
And I go on again,
Strengthened when I thought
I'd only die.
Sometimes they rush into my life,
Bumping me, pushing,
And I see another way.
It's only when they're gone,
And the light from their fair lantern
lingers on,
I wonder, where I would have been
this day?
Are these chance meetings - fate -
or can it be
These are the angels God has promised me?
Are these friends - or angels - is it so?
Maybe not today,
Someday, I'll know!
--Cora Eelman

Where Am I, Lord?

Where am I, Lord?
Is there no name
For this forsaken place?
A place where things no longer are that were,
And things that are, I just can't seem to face?
In between --
That's how I feel,
Just -- in between!
Standing tall,
Yet --- wanting so to lean.

They say I'm doing good and look so well.
Walking on; yet, crawling in my shell!
I sing -- and smile -
And say, "I'm doing fine!"
Fine?
Oh Lord, I'm doing great
At hiding all these gnawing thoughts of mine!
Where am I, Lord,
Just tell me where I am!
Am I lost,
Or found,
Please help your little lamb!

Just when I think
You've put me back together,
I fall apart,
I'm laughing with a friend at noon,
And then
The broken heart!
All I dealt with yesterday
And sorted out with You,
Today is just a mess
With doubts
So fresh and new!
I'm here,
Then there,
And oh, dear Lord,
Sometimes I know I'm nowhere!
And all the things
That yesterday I did,
Today I would not dare!

Where am I Lord,
Please, tell me where I am.
I've never walked alone before,
And I'm not sure I can!
It's not that I don't trust
That You will lead me on my way;
I just need some roadsigns
As I struggle day by day.
They say they like my smile
And to keep my eyes on you!
But all I see is clouds
And rain --
Oh, if they only knew!
I can't explain that I still hurt,
They'd never understand.
Oh Father,
Tell me where I am,
Please,
Grab my grasping hand!

Oh child, I am still your peace,
Oh, little lamb of mine,
I've never been so close to you,
I've been there
All the time!
I know the place seems new to you,
But you've been there before.
It's just that now you're here
Alone,
And oh, you need it more!
Take the time
To just be still --
Take all the time you need.
Get to know this unknown place,
As here in prayer you plead.
Where are you?
Oh my child,
Please come to understand,
You've never left the safety of
The hollow of My hand!

--Cora Eelman

Daybook Entry for August 25, 2008

FOR TODAY (August 25, 2008)...

Outside My Window Everything looks so green from all the rain we have had in the past week or so. And I am still enthralled with the 8 wasps that are still VERY busy building this nest on my window I just don't have the heart to knock it down yet. Through all the winds and rain, that little nest held strong there as those 8 wasps just clung to it, keeping it covered, etc. !

I am thinking. . . So many thoughts. Worried how the chemo treatment Wednesday will affect me. So much to do before then to get ready for it. And I never saw myself so ugly before. Most of my hair is gone now, leaving just a thin layer of straggly strands all over. If anyone looked like a witch, it's ME! And looking out my window, I see I need a new bird feeder. This one is falling apart. Funny though, the birds don't mind at all. They are NOT fussy as to what their dinner comes in!

I am thankful for... Sunshine. Enough daily strength to get through. A great dinner last night. Friends. Prayer. My sister who puts up with my daily whining.

From the kitchen... LOTS of spagetti sauce, Italian sausage, etc., for next week when I won't feel like cooking!.

I am wearing... Tee shirt, undershirt, black slacks --- AND A HAT!

I am creating... Nothing yet, but still have ideas!

I am going... Nowhere today, but tomorrow will be a big run to the grocery store. I'm stocking up on everything from soup to pudding, bread, juice, etc!
I remember what I couldn't eat, what tasted terrible, and what tasted good last time and want to be well stocked up.

I am reading... Nothing! If blogs count, then that's what I've been reading. I have found some of the most wonderful, encouraging, God-centered blogs that have just lifted me up and I can't begin to thank all of you who share your hearts like this. I would have never believed that blogs could be used of God the way they are.

I am hoping... I don't give up on all this. There are times I wonder if I'm cut out for a long, stretched out treatment plan like this! There have been a few times this week when I felt it definitely was NOT worth it. Other times, I realize I really have no other option. Here I am just at the beginning, and I'm already feeling like quitting????? Just can't be!!!

I am hearing... A pair of chickadees arguing with each other as to whether my bird house is the right one to rent! They've been in and out a million times and having the same conversation over and over! Can't lower the rent, so they will have to take it or leave it!

Around the house...There is so much to do. I did get vacuuming done. Got the wash done. Garbage is out. Dishes are done.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week. . . Get myself ready in advance for Wednesday's chemo treatment. Been taking vitamin, etc., to help some. I'll do everything I can in advance so I don't feel guilty or upset when I'm under that 18 wheeler again.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

All my problems, challenges and choices,
Now surrendered, Lord, I need Thee near.
For Thy guidance, this is all I'm asking,
Free me from my worry and my fear.
Thank you for this peace beyond expression,
Bought for me that day at Calvary,
Undeserved, unearned, yet freely given,
Mine just to accept through faith in Thee.
Rejoicing in Thy guidance and Thy power,
Never fearing unknown paths ahead,
Thanking Thee, though pain replaces pleasure,
Peaceful, still believing You have led.
--Cora Eelman


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I'm so glad to be able to participate with the others in this Notebook entry. You can visit The Simple Woman's blog HERE!

Beautiful Again!

Sometimes all it takes is a friend. Someone who looks you in the eyes, sees beyond the tears, and knows what is in your heart. I know -- I've had friends like that. They don't claim to
understand. Nor do they try to fix everything. They know that sometimes there are no answers -- they don't even know what the question is! But they love you, they hug you, and they lift you up with a prayer. Some people pray, but a few of those people KNOW the God who hears their prayers and KNOW that He cares, understands and has our best interests at heart.
Patti, today this is for you!

Beautiful Again

I wish I could say I understand. . .

I don't.

You shared so much. . .

You hurt so much. . .

Yet, I never climbed the mountains you are climbing,

I never walked in the shadows of your valley,

I never carried the burdens of your heart.

But somehow, somewhere deep inside,

I know you touched me. . .

And I knew I cared.

I may never have the answers you need to hear -

I may never even have words. . .

But I have a special Friend,

One who understands,

Who listens,

Who cares. . .

And I promise that when I share with Him

My problems,

My pains,

My cares,

I will ask Him to pick up all that seems to be

The broken pieces of my dreams.

And in His perfect time,

I know He will make

All things beautiful again.

I know He will. . .

. . .He did for me!

--Cora