It's Been Way Too Long!

Please forgive me, all of you, for my lack of posting during the last week or so. Sometimes I feel like I whine a lot about the effects of chemo, or that I'm just repeating the same story as the last time. I couldn't think of one new thing to say -- in fact, I have hardly been on the computer to check in on all of you. Just didn't feel all that good.

I must say, though, that this chemo #5 went better than the last one. Perhaps it was because the Dr. took me off the steroids, or because I armed myself with Ensure and Instant Breakfast Drinks so I would have more nutrition than Cream of Wheat!!!!! And since I knew some of the other bodily function affects of chemo from the other times, I was armed and ready before hand for all of that. No breathlessness this time at all.

I had my Dr. appointment today, and once again, all my whining complaints of aches and pains, etc., got lost in his tunnel vision of "it's simply amazing that the tumor is almost gone and I can't feel any lymph nodes under your arm at all!!!!" That is what matters to him. The other stuff I can wade through and get over, as far as he is concerned.

It's hard to explain, but it seems when you go through this as the patient, you get tunnel vision also. In the moment of feeling like road kill, there is no tomorrow, no "I'll get through this," no "pain is a good thing," etc. It's all about ME, all about the moment, and all about wanting the world to know that I'm a miserable wretch!!!! And then, the next day, all that is past like a miracle, and some other pain or flu like symptom comes up and you start focusing on that one!

In light of the doctor visit today, though, I must say, I have a lot to be thankful for. I know there are many cancer patients who do NOT respond well to chemo, and I could have been one of them. And. . . it is true that all the whining complaints do seem to disappear into the past as I come on the upside of the chemo. . . . and somehow, I go back for more. I remember thinking after the second one, how in the world does anyone get back in the car and drive back WILLINGLY to that place and let them pump that stuff into your veins????? But, you just do, because it is your only alternative.

Yes, there are the darkest of days when I wonder if God is there or even aware of the misery, and then there are days when I think I must be one of His biggest whiners and complainers on earth. But then, as the light begins to shine again and I can raise my head, I realize that He has been there through it all, listened to my heart, and carried me through.

Poor Buster! Sometimes he is soooooo bad. But he has a heart that seems to know I don't feel well, and when the day is ended and we go to bed together, that guy just lies there against me, sighs a big sigh, lets me pet him as he falls asleep, and we just know that tomorrow will surely come. How can a dog that is so bad wrap himself so tightly around your heart???????