A Crappy Doctor's Visit!

Ok! So maybe that's a little harsh to use the word, "crappy!" As I said in my last post, I am having some "separation issues" with all of this, and don't like the words "almost done," etc. Now, all of a sudden, I WANT to be monitored by a doctor, and I want to know the minute a cancer cell reappears somewhere and have it zapped out of me right then and there! Being weaned off my oncologist is NOT a secure feeling for me. But I do know that his job is done. . . for now. . . . forever, I hope and pray!

I thought today I would have LOTS of questions for this guy about how I would know if the cancer was coming back, what are the symptoms to look for, etc., etc. But he took control of the session right from the start. He looked at the site where my boob once was, and had this HUGE smile on his face, his eyes lit up, and he was almost giggly happy as he said, "BOY!!!!! does that ever look great! I never dreamed that it would close up like that!", etc., etc. And to him, that was the end! Kapotz! Over! Success! When I did ask about the future, it was like I burst his balloons of celebration. All he could tell me was, if I suspect something or feel something, let him know. And I don't see him again for another 6 weeks. So that was the extent of my 6-week check up.

So. . . . I guess I'm doing fine for now. A couple more weeks of radiation every day, and that will all be over with, too! Isn't it strange how we become so attached to the care we receive. As long as I felt I was doing something to "fight" this cancer thing, I felt positive. Now. . . .I don't know how to feel. For nine months, this has been my focus, and there hasn't been much else in my life except getting through each day of treatment. Now all of a sudden, I have my life back, and I'm finding there isn't much in my life at all right now.

New beginnings. Where do I start? I do know one thing, my heart has changed a LOT! No more whining about what I don't have, about what I'd like to have, etc., etc. I've become so thankful for each day, for the people around me who have cared so much and helped me through, for all my blogging friends, their prayers and love and encouragement, and learning what's important in life and what is not. Values seem to change when you begin to calculate. . . . all the charts seem to say that I have a 68% chance of this cancer returning within two years. Not very good odds, to say the least. If I make it past the two years, then it goes down to 51% chance of returning. With those figures constantly dancing in my head, there are a lot of things being tossed from the "important" pile into the "not important" pile, believe me! I've also begun to re-evaluate my faith. I always thought I had a very strong faith, but find myself wondering why I have this anxious feeling all the time! If I were so full of faith, I would just go on about my daily to-do lists and not worry about tomorrow at all. I've so appreciated all the comments that you have left me about living for today and not worrying. I feel very guilty about how many times I have told others that, not understanding what they were going through. Now that I'm there, I do understand, and the Lord has shown me my lack of trust and reliance on Him. I am way too self-sufficient and self-relient, and to be stripped of that is very hard!

So my goal for tomorrow is to NOT think about cancer returning, but rather, to think about finding something new and beautiful in each new day God gives me! Want to join me?