Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I'm an Addict!!!!

I guess a lot of you have wondered where in the world I've been during the past 5 weeks or so!!!! I think "stewing" would be the best word I can think of. Just stewing in my own pot of shame, guilt, anger, resentment, remorse, wishful thinking, bargaining, trade-off's, and whatever else goese with trying to "fix" myself up!

I had to face the truth: I am addicted to food. Not the usual addiction that people have to a chocolate bar, or some sweets now and then. This is a major, can't-live-with-out-it, I might just die, type of addiction. And let's face it ---- who in all of blogland wants to hear about the diet whinings of an old lady who, at 61 years old, STILL can't put down her fork, push away from the table and say, "That's enough, you fat slob!"

Most people diet quietly. After a month or so, you begin to notice something is different and you have to ASK them if they are dieting, and they quietly tell you, yes, and leave it at that. They are pleased you noticed but it is not the topic of their life. ME????? THE WHOLE WORLD knows I'm on a diet. I'm going down kicking and screaming. I'm NOT a happy camper. I think even the people in the grocery store know and dread my scowling face as I stomp through the store.

You can talk all about the health benefits, how much better I'll feel, how happy my heart will be with less weight, how my joints will feel better, my blood pressure will go down, how I'm a prime candidate for diabetes, etc., etc. You can tell me HOW to diet -- less carbs, vegetarian, low fat, low calories, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, MediFast, OptiFast, etc., etc. Been there, done them all, failed at everything. Let's face it -- I CRAVE pizza, bread, butter, red meat, tacos, noodles, and more bread! It's more than crave. I don't think there's a word for it --- except addiction. I think about it day and night. I WANT it all the time.

I've tried telling myself all these diet meals are great. Want to know the truth????? They stink! Downright terrible. Even Buster has given up sitting at the table with me. Pretty bad when HE would rather his Pedigree kibbles than my . . . . . slop!

But guess what????? This is the honest truth! I HAVE NOT CHEATED ONCE!!!!! I have stuck to this as if my life depended on it. I can't believe that an oncologist would have such power over me, that just saying, "Have you thought about a diet?" would throw my whole life into such an upheavel! I guess I knew I'd have to find a new doctor if I didn't do it.

My goal was to lose 35 pounds by October 9th! (My next dr. appointment). I've lost 24 so far. Don't think I'll make it. Please understand that this is just a "short therm goal" as I have about 135 pounds to go yet! But I needed a short term goal --- one with possible and probable success. After that????. . . .!!!!! This, by far, has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And the most miserable! If there were a chemo treatment that would make you lose weight, I'd go through all of that again twice over rather than this horror.

If ANY of you knew how badly I want a pizza right now. . . . . . .!!!!!!!!!!!