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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I'm an Addict!!!!

I guess a lot of you have wondered where in the world I've been during the past 5 weeks or so!!!! I think "stewing" would be the best word I can think of. Just stewing in my own pot of shame, guilt, anger, resentment, remorse, wishful thinking, bargaining, trade-off's, and whatever else goese with trying to "fix" myself up!

I had to face the truth: I am addicted to food. Not the usual addiction that people have to a chocolate bar, or some sweets now and then. This is a major, can't-live-with-out-it, I might just die, type of addiction. And let's face it ---- who in all of blogland wants to hear about the diet whinings of an old lady who, at 61 years old, STILL can't put down her fork, push away from the table and say, "That's enough, you fat slob!"

Most people diet quietly. After a month or so, you begin to notice something is different and you have to ASK them if they are dieting, and they quietly tell you, yes, and leave it at that. They are pleased you noticed but it is not the topic of their life. ME????? THE WHOLE WORLD knows I'm on a diet. I'm going down kicking and screaming. I'm NOT a happy camper. I think even the people in the grocery store know and dread my scowling face as I stomp through the store.

You can talk all about the health benefits, how much better I'll feel, how happy my heart will be with less weight, how my joints will feel better, my blood pressure will go down, how I'm a prime candidate for diabetes, etc., etc. You can tell me HOW to diet -- less carbs, vegetarian, low fat, low calories, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, MediFast, OptiFast, etc., etc. Been there, done them all, failed at everything. Let's face it -- I CRAVE pizza, bread, butter, red meat, tacos, noodles, and more bread! It's more than crave. I don't think there's a word for it --- except addiction. I think about it day and night. I WANT it all the time.

I've tried telling myself all these diet meals are great. Want to know the truth????? They stink! Downright terrible. Even Buster has given up sitting at the table with me. Pretty bad when HE would rather his Pedigree kibbles than my . . . . . slop!

But guess what????? This is the honest truth! I HAVE NOT CHEATED ONCE!!!!! I have stuck to this as if my life depended on it. I can't believe that an oncologist would have such power over me, that just saying, "Have you thought about a diet?" would throw my whole life into such an upheavel! I guess I knew I'd have to find a new doctor if I didn't do it.

My goal was to lose 35 pounds by October 9th! (My next dr. appointment). I've lost 24 so far. Don't think I'll make it. Please understand that this is just a "short therm goal" as I have about 135 pounds to go yet! But I needed a short term goal --- one with possible and probable success. After that????. . . .!!!!! This, by far, has been the hardest thing I've ever done. And the most miserable! If there were a chemo treatment that would make you lose weight, I'd go through all of that again twice over rather than this horror.

If ANY of you knew how badly I want a pizza right now. . . . . . .!!!!!!!!!!!

31 comments:

Linda said...

That's always the bad thing about food.... it can be an addiction like anything else, but there's no way that you can cut it out totally.

Say you were addicted to alcohol, you'd get the advise: Don't drink ANY more. It's much easier to stop drinking anything, than to limit yourself to one or two glasses a day.

But you can't cut out food or you'll die, so it will keep haunting and it will stay so hard..

pfff.. I know all about it, especially the bread thing! I did well 3 months on Atkins (no bread at all) but I don't think I will be able to do it again.. and ehmm.. I might need to after baby's here, *lol* ;)

Greetings from the netherlands!

Jill said...

Cora, I know you can do it! You have all of us behind you. You have beaten so much already and proved you can do it...even it was fighting and screaming the whole way through.
Remember what my blog is called "One day at a time"...that is all we can do.
Another one I added this morning: "Accept what is today and tomorrow will be a new day".
Hugs
Jill.

Claudia said...

Don't make yourself crazy over the numbers. You ARE losing weight and that's the important part. The best way to lose weight is to lose it slowly. If you lose too fast, it will come right back on later and you don't want that. Slow and steady wins the race, and it looks to me that you are winning and that you understand how it all works! Good for you! *hugs*

Lea said...

Cora,

I'm cheering for your -24 pounds!!!!!! Your doctor will be so proud of you. Losing weight's hard.

Guess what? The word verification says: blest.

I'm blest to know you sweet friend,
eagle wings
Lea

Dani said...

I am so glad and relieved that you are posting...really missed you and was praying all was well....the thing about dieting is that food becomes such a focus....just realize when you get the craving, its only for a few minutes and will pass...I have by thinking about something else, or reading works great and before you know, the craving isn't so bad and then it disappears......I think 24 lbs is really good and I know you probably feel better already....ou can do it!

Julie said...

You are so dang honest!! I think 24pounds is fabulous and that doctor better say so to!! Hope you have a great day!! You made me think about my own love of food--I need to do better. Julie

KathyB. said...

You're almost there ! You CAN do it...maybe you could sleep for a week and wake up with the extra weight gone? Nah...go enjoy life with a few growls and whines and lose the weight anyway. That'll show the doctor and you! Congratulations on losing the 24 pounds!

Wendy said...

Cora I sure know how you feel, I too love junk food!! But you are dong it!! Good for you and congratulations on 24 pounds!! Your doctor will be thrilled with you!! Keep going my friend!! God Bless!~Wendy

Nancy M. said...

Cora, Congratulations on your loss so far! I think it's awesome! I know how hard it is, I'm an addict too! I don't really want to do it, even though I know I should. You're on a roll, girl! Keep up the awesome work! Your doctor is going to be thrilled!

Nicole said...

Praying for you this day!

Deborah said...

Oh yes, I do know how bad you want that pizza....and while we're confessing....I have a half a family size chocolate bar tucked away in my dresser drawer!...so you are doing way better than me. Even knowing my husband has lost 5 pounds hasn't gotten me enthused about dieting. YOU are doing great!

Daria said...

You are doing such a good job of losing those pounds ... slow and easy.

I love your idea of small goals.

WhiteStone said...

Addiction of any kind is terribly hard to deal with. But you are doing wonderfully to have lost 24 pounds and you shouldn't beat yourself up. Keep facing forward and keep taking one step at a time towards your goal. Bless you.

Diane said...

Awesome update. You can do it! :O)

Debra said...

Oh Cora!!!!
You are doing WONDERFUL!!! 24 pounds IS FANTASTIC!!! I don't think it's bad to confess your addictions-becasue they are mine too!! Doesn't change happen when we get right down 'dirty' HONEST with ourselves?! I WILL PRAY for you about his-'cos I'm fighting the very same battle. I was on WW and lost weight-then back it came. I really felt the Lord tell me that if I wanted to give Him the glory for changing-I needed to depend on HIM, and not on a program. It scared me, but I said-OK! I am so much more aware of what is going in my mouth now, than I ever was with WW, and CONSTANTLY writing down every bite and measuring all the food I ate. That got to be a real hang-up-even tho it worked (for a while!)
So now--I'm praying about the roots of this problem, I'm praying about wise choices, I'm praying about self-control. And I'm so excited about the future, when I can tell someone how I did it with GOD helping me!!!
Love, Debra

Toni said...

Cora,
Glad to hear your still plugging along!!I kow it`s hard.I`ve been trying to lose weight since march and I seem to be in a rut right now.Let me tell you something though.You can have pizza,chocolate,and ice cream and lose weight!! You must,must,must excercise though!! It`s even more important than what you eat.Trust me,I know.The second I stopped excercising I stopped losing weight.
Your doing great though!!! Keep on keepin on and I`ll be praying for you!Take care!!
Love and blessings,
Toni

Kay-The Rustic Cottage said...

I've been worried about you!!! Oh honey - can I relate to what you're going through. But you can do this!! I am proud of you for losing 24 lbs - that is awesome. And if that doctor doesn't give you a word of praise I will personally come down there and smack him! I've lost 29 pounds but it took having a sick gall bladder and surgery to get that accomplished. I'm still watching everything that I eat because I want to keep losing. We can do this together! If you need to vent, gripe, or growl about your diet just send me an email. Love you bunches!!

Kay-The Rustic Cottage said...

Just wanted to add another note. I have to play games with myself. I can't think of how much I have to lose or set a number like losing 50 lbs. I defeat myself before I even start. I do 10 lbs at a time - that's all I can think about and it's little victories!

nancy huggins said...

I have faith that you can do it Cora so hang in there..If you could think of something nasty when you get a craving maybe that will help. I am glad to see you posting again too.
I have a new web site (but may not keep it after 3 months since nothing is selling) and I also have a new look to my blog and have a new selling blog..Check them out when you have time and let me know what you think
Hugs to you and my buddy too..Pups are getting huge LOL

Brenda Kay Ledford said...

Good luck on your diet. I'm trying to cut back on sweets. It's hard to do because I like them so much, but food is addictive. Hope you have a great week.

papel1 said...

They say losing weight slowly is better than all at once. Well I am trying to come up with something positive! Hang in there.
Judy

ByLightOfMoon said...

Cora my dear friend, I am SO PROUD of you. You deserve praise for losing 24 lbs, who cares if it is not the goal, that is just a word anyway.
I wish you the courage to just take it day by day and try to enjoy your foods more and when the lbs come down you can be so PROUD of YOURSELF.

I have never had anything so hard as to lose weight. I have never stuck to a plan so you are so HIGH over me. I had walked in the past to lose and that worked beter than anything. Can you put Buster on a leash and just go walk. He would also love it.

Bob is supposed to be walking but he has been sidetracked by whatever illness is going around and has no strength right now. Living on power-aid drinks for a week now, almost 2 weeks now.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. AND it is WONDERFUL to hear from you again, thanks for posting on mine and getting back on-line and I don't care what you write, just get it out of your system. Just DO It! I am so grateful to have you as a friend and you are so special to so many.
Blessings to you and keep your head high.

Smiles, Cyndi

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

Bless your heart, Cora! And I applaud you for your honesty and courage. Wow! 24 pounds is great. That takes commitment.

Miss you a bunch. Seems I'm not online much anymore unless its for school, but you're never far from my thoughts. Your friendship has penetrated my life in a way that it is here to stay! Forever!

Love,
Lea

S. F. Heron said...

Core, your weight loss is fantastic!! Good for you girl! Keep it up and keep taking good care of you!

-Sharon

Denise said...

Hey girl!!!!! I love love love this post and the honesty of it! Good for you and Kudos on the weight you have lost... I know it is so hard to do and I too love food...... any kind of food....and yes the whole world knows I am on a diet! My face shows it!!!!!!!! YOu hang in there and do it! I am down 17 and have 40 to do............ BUMMER!!!!!! but here I go!!!!!!!

I have missed you!!!!!!!!

Ruthie said...

Oh, so well put. You really have a gift for writing - I always enjoy your blog!
Blessings to you as you struggle with this diet. It's not fun. But hang in there.
Hugs.

Scottie and Patty said...

I understand fully! I too, admit that I am a food addict. I have ministered the past 10 years to women in drug addiction. It was in this that God revealed to me that I have an addiction to food. I too, am trying to loose it yet again. I relapse and relapse.. year after year and here I am again kicking and screaming and dreading day to day....thinking about what I have to eat to loose. I want pizza too!!! but by the grace of God I will endure and hopefully not relapse again.

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Sis, My husband is struggling so much with the same issues. I have tried to remind him about what he eats is not good for him, but then I know he already knows that . I feel like he can't enjoy things around me because he thinks I will say something. So I just have been praying just leaving fruits and other healthy things around and leave it up to him. It is so hard and I feel for him and for you. It takes such strength and discipline. I've missed you sistah!!

Hugz Lorie

Denise said...

Thinking of YOU..........

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Nishant said...

you can't cut out food or you'll die, so it will keep haunting and it will stay so hard..

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