Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Catching Up!

I didn't know that it would be so hard to just be honest and say things just as they are. I guess I was brought up with the "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all!" --- And I really haven't had much that's NICE to say during the past weeks. And THAT is to my shame, isn't it?

Here, I've had good health, beautiful weather, all my needs supplied, a dog who worships the ground I walk on, a God who loves me, and air conditioning. What more could I ask for?????

But when you have finally admitted to yourself that you are a food addict and have a major problem with denying yourself ANYTHING that is edible, then there is a LOT you could ask for. In fact, it seems that as the weeks go by, the more foods you find that are low enough in calories to fit into the diet, the more it tastes like fodder. At first, I talked myself into liking cabbage, bean sprouts, alfalfa sprounts, and all the other sprouts. I told myself I liked the 0 calorie miracle noodles. And yes, there ARE 1001 ways to cook boneless, skinless, tasteless chicken breasts. I'm just so glad I have a sister who is honest like me. Most of our conversations lately have centered around the horrible plight of our diets, the fact that the scale is NOT rewarding our starvation efforts, and making daily lists of all the stuff we miss. Too bad we didn't have a tape recorder going. It would make a Number One Best Seller for anyone playing with the thought of going on a diet!

I did have my 3 month appointment with the oncologist who dared to bring up the subject of dieting. That was Friday, the 9th ---- 77 days after starting the diet. I did feel like a winner, having lost 31 pounds on my own WITHOUT the surgery he suggested. He did make a big deal about it, was very happy, encouraged me on, blah, blah blah. . . . . but I did tell him that he had slipped to the very bottom of my list of people I liked!!!!! He didn't seem to care at all.

31 pounds. . . . NOT ONCE during those 77 days did I cheat. NOT A MORSEL! I really had expected to lose more than that, but I'm resigned now into believing that thing that "the older you get, the harder it is to lose." But I want you to know that when I left that doctor's office, I headed straight to the meat market and picked out the best looking rib eye steaks and had a feast that night. Baked potato, asparagus, cauliflour and steak! My reward for myself.

So now comes the next goal. I have to have another 3 month goal. I'm thinking that the next 30 pounds will be harder, holidays in the middle of it all, etc. But I'm still going to aim for 30.

As much as I have complained, kicked, and bucked the whole diet system, I must say, this has been very good for me. It has taken my mind off of the cancer, the thoughts of death and dying, how I might die, what if it comes back, and all that goes with the breast cancer thing. It was one thing to be "done" with treatments on April 15th.
And people do treat you like it's all "done." But I found the same thing happening to ME as with so many others. It's NEVER "done." It's always there. Everytime I look in the mirror, I see the disfigured, burn scarred, stitched scarred one-breasted chest. When I take a shower, I feel that numb, boney rib where a breast once was. When I try to shave under my arm, I can't feel anything as the nerves are all numb.
My hair is not the same, my face fell, my teeth rotted, my eyes got worse, etc., ---- all reminding me daily of the price of breast cancer. To say nothing of the pill. Every single day for the rest of my life I take the pill that causes the sweats. And these are the MEGA sized sweats!!!!!!! So no, it's never "all done."

But I say all that to say this, dieting has given me something else to think about besides cancer. Not sure that the exchange is the best, but at least it is a step up from death and dying of cancer!!!!!! Meal planning, calorie counting, counting my steps as I walk, walking through the grocery store like a hungry cougar telling myself I deserve ANYTHING, no matter what the price, if it fits into this diet plan. It's gotten to be like treasure hunt, believe me.

I keep visualizing the 31 pounds I've lost. That's 124 sticks of butter!!!!!! Yes, I still drool at the thought of a big, greasy, pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, but I've stopped roaring! Buster and I look forward to a few honey nut cheerios at night now . . . . . a looooooong way from the bowls of ice cream we used to have together . . . . . . .!!!!!!!!!