Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Messing With My Nest!

My sister said it perfectly --- “It’s all our brother’s fault!” He started picking at my nest --- my comfort zone --- and since then, it’s all been turmoil. It started around Labor Day when Tony was first diagnosed with late stage Lung Cancer. You would have thought that my own journey through breast cancer would have ruffled me more. Or why not when my sister went through the agony of cancer treatments???? There was something about Tony. . . .

He asked questions -- hard ones. And now, he has all the answers and I’m still digging for them. He’s there, with the Author and Finisher of his faith. I’m here, looking through the glass, darkly. The questions of “Why” blow like a steady, fierce wind, and no matter how I try, it keeps tearing up my neatly built nest.
It’s not a question of “why me.” Not a feeling sorry for myself. It’s more of a “why me --- NOW!” Why at this stage of my life does my comfort zone have to become so uncomfortable?

Questions demand answers. That’s what makes them so hard. It’s easy to dismiss someone’s statement, or a look, or gesture. But when someone looks you in the eye and asks a question, you open your mouth, take a deep breath, and search like crazy through the caverns of your brain for an answer. And it doesn’t make any difference if you audibly answer or not -- somewhere, somehow, you answer. And lately, the Lord has taken up where Tony left off, except He’s going deeper into my soul and messing with my nest.

It’s the little pecking that gets to me. Like the question a friend recently asked me, “Where’s your heart now?” I had showed him some things I had made a few years ago. What in the world did that have to do with my heart???? It wouldn’t go away. I had no idea where my heart was! A lost heart. Somewhere out there, my heart was homeless --- fallen out of the nest. And I need to leave my comfort zone to find it again.

Then comes the one who REALLY knows how and pulls everything apart.: A pastor who seems to preach directly at (for) me! Every single message, every single Sunday takes a chunk out of my carefully woven sticks, grass, mud, and whatever else it took to make me feel safe. There isn’t much left to hang on to except a weak branch or two, and I’m afraid he’s coming with the saw soon and I’ll just drop to who knows where! And still I ask, Why mess with my nest NOW?

Then comes along people who write these blogs. Blogs that leave you asking more questions than they answered. Stuff about forgiveness, the past, who I am in Christ, scars, ministering to the needy and hurting, etc. Stuff that turns me inside out and makes me ask MYSELF the questions and I can’t find my heart anywhere in my messed up, falling-apart nest.

It’s a strange thing about comfort zones: They are built with a master plan and fit us to a tee. The walls are just high enough to make us feel safe. LOTS of locks on minimum doors. Windows that only let US see out but lets no one see IN. We even have closets. And in those closets are memories and secrets, stuff that got dirty and stained, lots of bottles full of tears, shoes covered in mud, old bandages that had once covered bleeding wounds until thick, hard scars took their place. We don’t go in the closets much. But I have recently. In all this messing up of my nest, the Lord opened the doors again, and I’m seeing I didn’t do a very good job the last time around in getting those shelves cleaned out.

So what’s a master nest builder to do when God messes with her nest????

I think it’s time to use the wings He gave me and fly. . . .

Thanks, Ton!


"Just Me - NC Beth" said...

Wow! What an awesome post! So rich with feeling and also much needed words to think on...we all want to stay in our comfort zones but how can we expect to grow if we stay there?

Thank you for sharing with us (me)....


Debbie said...

I keep typing, erasing. Typing, erasing! I don't know what to say except I was here, love your post, and just wanted you to know that we're reading.

dsblanchard said...

Dearest Cora,

I made a right turn before going to Ann's to see what you've been up to lately. This is really, really deep here. You've been thinking again, haven't you?

Keep always before you that God is nice. God is love. God really cares. He is the Creator so go with what He has given you. Don't strain. You don't have to do it all. Just find your piece of the puzzle and live it. If you know what it is and haven't been able to go there yet, pray like crazy and get it behind you.

The robin in my sunroom window has a nest that fits her body perfectly. Your nest should feel comfortable.

Hugging you from the north,

Lisa Maria said...

Cora, I've been where you are and I can tell you this much.. God doesn't leave us in our comfort zones when he wants us to GROW. He wants to PERFECT us and the pruning (as I call it) is painful. Ripping off the scars of improperly healed wounds to lance and cauterize and bring true healing.. been there. Its worth it.. when you do start to fly.. you'll soar on eagle's wings! Praying for you to have grace.

Kristin Bridgman said...

WOW! What an awesome post! I've been there, and I think God has plans for you. Never too late for new plans :) I'm not sure I agree that our nests should feel comfortable as one commenter stated. I always think comfort is something the enemy wants for us because it keeps us from going out and doing whatever the Lord wants from us. I think becoming uncomfortable in our nest is the Lord's way of pushing us out to do His will. (I know this from experience!) I'm praying for you that you hear clearly from him and then soar away! (just don't leave us:)

Miz Liz said...

Sweet Cora of so many gifts. I've read your nest piece 3 times today..twice this morning, again tonight. The only word I can find that hasn't been used in the comments is "powerful." Oh and insightful and deep and piecered my heart. Funny how God've written about not answering His call to help... yet you pen words of healing. To me, that is heeding our Father's call. I'm glad you write words my wounded heart needs.

Garden Lady said...

Sounds like God is definately at work. God's has also been messing with my nest for quite a while now, bringing me to the end of myself, showing me I have been leaning on my own sufficiency instead of his. It's a hard process (believe me I know...I keep wondering...are we done yet?) praying that God will give you much grace.
Thanks for sharing this post.

Lea said...

Oh Cora...
You have been doing some deep soul searching here... asking the hard questions and I can see that God has answered.
None of the chipping away at your nest has been for nothing ... but for a bigger picture.
I give God the glory for you and your brother.
EAGLE WINGS my friend!