Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What's Important?

Isn't it funny that, as you get older, things you didn't think mattered all your life are now the things that just won't leave you alone. Memories of childhood that are seemingly unimportant seem to intrude into your thoughts and you start to think about people, places, and happenings that were soooooo insignificant in earlier years.

One of those memories for me takes me back to when I was five or six years old. I remember Opoe and Opa picking Mom up at the house and we went to town -- Dave's Yarn Shop, to be specific. I loved that place! It was a long, narrow store. The floors were polished wood and they were always shiny! On the walls on both sides were rows and rows of shelves, all sectioned off into squares. What I wouldn't give for a wall like that here in my home! Beautiful wood and again, all shiny and polished! Every one of those squares was full of yarn, all different colors, textures and weight. Towards the back of the store was the crochet yarn, needles, books of patterns, etc. As a child, it seemed to take my Mom and Grandmother forever to pick out whatever it was they needed. I wasn't interested, really. Just loved being in the store. I loved the smell!

Now, whenever I see a hand-knitted sweater with an intricate pattern on the yoke, I think of Dave's Yarn Shop and my Mother's wonderful ability to klickity-klack those needles while she talked a mile a minute in dutch. She would call me once in a while for a measuring, hold up the partially completed sweater, yank out a few rows or add a few, and on she would go.

I don't remember my Mother being a really personable, loving, intimate mother. I don't remember hugs, kisses, or sitting on her knee. I don't remember loving talks or any special moments. But I remember knitted sweaters, crocheted-edged shirts, handmade dresses, shorts, skirts, and tops, and knitted mittens and hats.

I wish I had had the opportunity to learn from Mom all that she knew how to do. To an 8-year-old, she could do everything. She played the piano, baked bread and rolls, baked Dutch desserts, sewed all our clothing, knitted, tatted, crocheted everything --- but I learned none of it. Suddenly, with no explanation or warning, she was gone forever. She never said good-by. She never said she loved me. She never told me everything would be alright. There was only one sentence: "Your mother went to Heaven." And that was it! No one ever mentioned her again. Her knitting needles disappeared. And I never got another sweater!

I wish I could knit.


Kimmie said...

My Dearest Cora,

I know you feel hurt and cheated that your Mother was taken from you when you were such a young girl. Much to early in a childs life to have to deal with such a huge loss and so much pain.

It is my wish, that you know somewhere deep down in your heart that your Mother loved you very much. I cannot imagine a Mother not loving her child. Could it be that she whispered she loved you in your ear as she kissed your forehead as a child after you fell into a slumber in her arms. Or maybe while you were asleep playing with the angels, she stroked your cheek and looked upon your face so adoringly as if she was looking at a true angel herself. Please do not rush to the conclusion that your Mother never told you she loved you. She may have not said it to you outloud that you can remember. Maybe she had to do it in her own quiet way. Maybe it was hard for her to say the words to you for a reason to difficult for her to even understand. Your Mother baked, cooked, and took care of you. You said she knitted, and even though she didn't teach you to knit, she allowed you to watch. That in itself is a gift. When she played the piano, it must have given you Joy and Happiness in your heart. If your Mother did not love you, she would not have done all of those things. Mothers' who don't love their children shun them, push them away, not wanting their children to be near them. Mother's aren't perfect, the love that you have said that you did not see with your eyes, or hear with your ears, I have read through your words. I believe your Mother loved you very much Cora. Sometimes, more can be said and felt without just have to pay attention...maybe at the young age of 8 you were not old enough to realize that. Your Mother's love was there right before your eyes and you may have just missed it. Not that you meant to, but because you were young and didn't know better. Someday you will see her in Heaven, and you will know the truth. Maybe something I have said will play out and you will think...where have I had this vision before? I hope your heart can find some peace with all of this my dear Cora.

And I agree with you, you should learn how to knit! :-) Warm Hugs my friend!


nancy huggins said...

Kimmie is absoutely right Cora. I am the Mother of 9 (as you know) and I may not have told them enough or out loud that I loved them when they were young. I am still here now though and they are all adults and I do tell them everytime I talk to them on the phone and they do the same (well most of them do anyhow) I felt the same way as you do about my Mother and I have always wondered if she loved me...or wished I would have been a Boy, and then maybe she would have loved me.
I could tell by her actions that she Loved my was always obvious. And even when she passed away and left my Brother and Sister her Insurance policies and a house and 40 acres in CO...I have learned to deal with it. I will tell you one thing (and I am sure you already know) There is no one on Earth that will love you more than a 4 legged companion. If you can feel Busters Love like I feel Bianca and Annies Love for me...then it means you are a loveable person and you also have friends that Love you (Me for one)
I am sure that your Mother Loved you Cora...How could she not love someone as caring and wonderful as you. You would not be the person that you are today if you didn't know that someone loved you.
Even if she didn't say it in words...My son (#6) told me once that saying I love you to someone doesn't mean a thing and is only words. If you Love someone there is many ways to show it. And he does.
Just try and think about all the people that do love you and show you every day (even if he did eat a whole loaf od Rye Bread) and always remember that you are one of Gods Children..and he will always love you too.
Don't beat yourself up Cora....You are a Diamond in a pile of rocks :)
Oh...and I think Crocheting is easier to lear than knitting :)
(((Hugs to you and Buster)))

Juri said...

Wow,Cor...having had the same mother, it amazes me how our ages gave you so many more memories than me, yet the basic emotions appear to be very similar! I didn't even know our mother played the piano!!!!

I do know that as a result of feeling unloved as a child, I spent a lifetime looking for love, and I also showered my son with love so that he would never feel the sadness we felt throughout our lives!

It is rather scarey to actually write this all down, isn't it? It is one thing to let our words float away in the air as we discuss these things over coffee...but writing them down makes it so, well, real and permanent!

Lova ya, Sis...

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

What amazes me most is that though you may have missed out on those gentle sentiments from you mother, you are still one of the most kind & loving people that I have yet to meet.

You are a dear & precious friend and I'm so glad that God has given me the gift of you!

I love you, Cora, and Colton does too!

Your friend,

primcyn said...

oh yes..She loved you with all her heart..not a doubt to me. any mom that spends time baking yummy rolls and knitting sweaters for her child is very much wanting to make that child feel very happy and loved. Your first five years established pretty much who you are today with the help of a loving mom .From reading your blog, i can tell what a sensitive an caring person you have become through the short time on earth she was here to nurture and establish these personalities in you. I feel so badly you haven't the memories of times she spent with you ..but you were very young when she died..and wouldn't remember that much now. I was so own mom lived to be 99 years old..and I do have lots of wonderful memories. I never knew my grandmothers..but would have loved knowing them.
Yopu have written well in your blog articles...keep up the great blog!