Friday, November 14, 2008

It's Been Way Too Long!

Please forgive me, all of you, for my lack of posting during the last week or so. Sometimes I feel like I whine a lot about the effects of chemo, or that I'm just repeating the same story as the last time. I couldn't think of one new thing to say -- in fact, I have hardly been on the computer to check in on all of you. Just didn't feel all that good.

I must say, though, that this chemo #5 went better than the last one. Perhaps it was because the Dr. took me off the steroids, or because I armed myself with Ensure and Instant Breakfast Drinks so I would have more nutrition than Cream of Wheat!!!!! And since I knew some of the other bodily function affects of chemo from the other times, I was armed and ready before hand for all of that. No breathlessness this time at all.

I had my Dr. appointment today, and once again, all my whining complaints of aches and pains, etc., got lost in his tunnel vision of "it's simply amazing that the tumor is almost gone and I can't feel any lymph nodes under your arm at all!!!!" That is what matters to him. The other stuff I can wade through and get over, as far as he is concerned.

It's hard to explain, but it seems when you go through this as the patient, you get tunnel vision also. In the moment of feeling like road kill, there is no tomorrow, no "I'll get through this," no "pain is a good thing," etc. It's all about ME, all about the moment, and all about wanting the world to know that I'm a miserable wretch!!!! And then, the next day, all that is past like a miracle, and some other pain or flu like symptom comes up and you start focusing on that one!

In light of the doctor visit today, though, I must say, I have a lot to be thankful for. I know there are many cancer patients who do NOT respond well to chemo, and I could have been one of them. And. . . it is true that all the whining complaints do seem to disappear into the past as I come on the upside of the chemo. . . . and somehow, I go back for more. I remember thinking after the second one, how in the world does anyone get back in the car and drive back WILLINGLY to that place and let them pump that stuff into your veins????? But, you just do, because it is your only alternative.

Yes, there are the darkest of days when I wonder if God is there or even aware of the misery, and then there are days when I think I must be one of His biggest whiners and complainers on earth. But then, as the light begins to shine again and I can raise my head, I realize that He has been there through it all, listened to my heart, and carried me through.

Poor Buster! Sometimes he is soooooo bad. But he has a heart that seems to know I don't feel well, and when the day is ended and we go to bed together, that guy just lies there against me, sighs a big sigh, lets me pet him as he falls asleep, and we just know that tomorrow will surely come. How can a dog that is so bad wrap himself so tightly around your heart???????


Jan and Tom's Place said...

Glad to see you, Cora! We're still covering you in prayer!


papel1 said...

Still praying for you and hoping on full recovery. Sounds like it is going pretty good on the chemo. I am sure poor Buster is a little confused. But a faithful friends.

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

Well I won't say everything that is my heart but you know I love ya and just love hearing from you no matter how you're feeling.

I am just thrilled to hear the doctor's positive report. It must be so difficult to enjoy that success when you're feeling so lousy, so I'll just jump around and dance for you until you feel like it! Okay?

Hugs & Lots of Prayers,

Linda said...

I am so glad the tumor is responding so well to the chemo. That is the best news I could read when coming here. I sure wish I could read that the chemo didn't make you feel so lousy as well, but if you need to whine, go right ahead!! And I'll join Lea and do that dance for you since you are not up to it YET!! Lots of prayers and hugs, Linda

Deb said...

Cora, I am so happy to hear that the tumor is nearly gone and nothing is felt under the arm. I'll say you are only a few giant steps away from your miracle. Isn't the Lord good?!!!!! Praise His Holy Name! That's why I love Him so, He shows His face in so many ways. Un-seen?, He's never un-seen, and we your friends are blessed that we have this opportunity to come along as witnesses of His love and mighty works through you. So you say you whin but, you keep pressing on for the prize. What an inspiration you are. I love coming here. Deb

Ruthie said...

Glad to hear from you again.
And Buster probably knows when you don't feel well - dogs just seem to know. I think he is God's blessing to you these days.

Oma aka Meme said...

hugs for you and I am glad to see your post- whine all you want my friend- I understand the love and hate of chemo-chemo is a blessing with a curse- (side effects) I pray for you and think of how brave you are to continue and to share- we are here to be your cheese (wine and cheese ) LOL- I hope I made you laugh-
I am so proud to know you through your blogs as you share your heart
hugs from Meme

2 Much Farm Primitives said...

Cora!! Glad to hear from you. You're in my constant prayers. Hang in there, girl. Take care of yourself....we'll always be here if you need us :)

Love ya girl,

LindaSueBuhl said...

Your good spirit shines through - So glad the doctor is pleased (yes most docs won't listen to the list of problems - they like results). Buster is like some dogs I've had - might occasionally misbehave but when it comes to be a companion - he is loyal and loving (erases a lot in my book - 1 Peter 4:8
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
So Buster's love covers a LOT of territory right? Continue to take good care of yourself - we are praying and cheering for you!

Kathy said...

Cora I am so sorry you have joined the sisterhood no one is happy to join. What I can tell you is this journey will deepen your faith in God, in yourself and in your family and friends. You are at the roughest part! This is the time when you are convinced there is something God is teaching you but not sure what it is. I did not have chemo, but a mastectomy and reconstruction. I have many friends that have endured this part, the beast as I call cancer is brutal, ugly and downright almost unbearable. No one is quite honest enough about that, especially doctors.

What I can tell you is you will come out of this journey grateful for the lessons that many end their life never learning. It doesn't happen overnight, but know that it is okay right now to be mad at God, to feel misunderstood, taken for granted and yes I was mad at well people. My faith deepened, my family grew, my friends that were close got closer. Yes I like Tony Snow see cancer as a blessing to my life. But that attitude comes slower than you think, and God more than anyone else anywhere understands your doubt and frustration.

He will be your great comforter, along with a snuggly blanket.

Kay said...

So glad to see a posting from you!! Praising God for the wonderful news about eh tumor! So glad that this treatment went a little better. I'm still praying!! Sending love and hugs from WA.


CathyJean said...

Relieved to hear from you, Cora.
Praying for you ~ may God bless you and stregthen you through this journey!!

Claudia said...

But the complaining and whining is a GOOD thing! It means that you're still feeling something! And it IS all about you! How on earth could it be about someone else when they're doing all that torture to you?!!!!

Anyone who's been there understands. Anyone who loves you understands.
And God IS there. Because you have people around you who understand and love you. God put us all here. :)

Shabby Olde Potting Shed said...

That Buster is quite the blessing isn't he? Wrapped around your heart... now that sure puts a sweet smile on my face.
Love ya Cora...

SweetAnnee said...

God knows it all and He is with you every second..Lean hard on Him
and He will get you through this horrid time.
love to you

Anonymous said...

as I read your post I have tears how strong a lady you are my heart and prayers go out to you may God Bless you on your journey.