April 10th is always a special day for me. A birthday of sorts --- a birthday I never really expected to be celebrating. It was April 10, 2009, that I finished my whole thing-a-ma-jig with the breast cancer treatments --- chemo, then surgery, then that awful radiation thing. April 10th, I walked out of that radiation room for the last time, burned to a crisp, happy it was over, but thinking that I would rather die than have to go through that again.
There was also that panic that balanced the seesaw of emotions --- wasn't there something else to do that would keep this nastiest of diseases away? Like maybe booster chemo treatments every so often? I wanted a list. Do's and don'ts. Not just, "You're done, girl -- go and find a life again!" I felt abandoned, like I had been kicked out to the street. Happy, but scared.
Thankful, but wanting more. Success, but no faith. Not in control, but wanting control over something. Up and down the seesaw goes.
But over the past few years, that seesaw has slowed down to almost a complete halt. I don't panic over ever ache and pain and lump of fat I find. I don't wonder if tomorrow it will all be changed. And all that scared me silly back then has become the "You can do it!" that I give to anyone else entering this
battle for the first time.
There is always a purpose in the mind of God when He brings us into these things. We may not see it in the darkness of those moments. We may think there is no way through, no answers, no comfort, no voice to lead us to where we should be. We worry, we cry, we make our lists of "what if's" and "what then's" and somehow we see a match being lit to all our dreams and expectatations of normal and nice. We create nightmare-material scenerios, tear-jerking, nose-blowing, stuff that would make five star movies for those who like to cry their way through a sad story. We could lay all of this out before the Lord, and you know what? He would just smile sadly and tell us how much time we have wasted ---- because none of it is in His plan.
Those of you going through this now are probably saying, "Yeah, it's ok for you to say these things when it's over and all is well for you. We don't know that yet." I understand. I'm looking at my life, my cancer journey, through the rear view mirror. I see the twists and turns in the road and now know where it was leading me. But I can tell you this, the same One who walked ahead of me and showed me my path is the same One who is walking ahead of YOU! Job once said so perfectly, "He knows the way that I take, and when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold." GOLD! That is what He sees for me. . . and for YOU!
Thank you, Lord, for grace. . . it's only by Your grace alone that I've been able to come this far, and because of this, it will only be by Your grace that I someday find my way Home!
Linking up with others who have something on their hearts today: