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Friday, July 18, 2008

Will I EVER Learn????

I decided today that my faith level is the pits!!!!! I'm not even sure it's even mustard seed size! I'm a great one for spouting off to people about having faith in God, believe that He will supply. And I've even used examples of how the Lord has supplied for ME in the past. Yeah!!!! That's really easy to do when you are looking BACK on things, believe me, but when you are hit square in the face with something that is IMPOSSIBLE for you to work out on your own in any possible way, that's when we really see what is in our hearts and what isn't! The proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

I couldn't even find a mustard seed sized pieced of faith in my heart yesterday, and my day was about the worst one I ever had. It's a good thing people like Colton and all my friends here have hearts bursting with mustard seeds, because I know it was YOUR faith and YOUR prayers that brought this all about!

I was called in to see the cancer doctor yesterday. I was pretty happy about that --- thought he would tell me about the pathology report, I would have a NAME to this cancer thing, a plan would be mapped out for me, and the show would begin. I wasn't scared, nervous or anything, and pretty much in a good mood about going.

Why is it every one of these doctor appointments turn out to be mouth-droppers????? I guess I'm just not used to being a patient and it's all new to me or something.

He rattled off the type of cancer --- one of those ones that has to do with hormones (can't remember the exact name right now) and has a midway growth factor --- not real fast, but not really slow, either. I do remember the words, "hormone antagonistic."
After that, the conversation went down hill. He seemed agitated with me because I had not had the scans yet (still waiting on funding for that) as he can't do anything without knowing how far this has spread throughout my body. And for some reason, I got the feeling he was blaming ME, that perhaps I wasn't "with the program" or didn't really want treatment or something. And I was very self-conscious of the fact that I was showing no emotions on my face, or expressing any feelings, etc. I KNOW I'm not a "facial" person. I look like stone half the time. But here I sat, trying to process all he was saying, thinking about what could be paid for and what could NOT, etc., etc., etc. and before I could process one sentence, he was miles ahead of me talkinga bout something else even more aggravating. Then he whipped out his prescription pad and said that he would really like to start me on one medication that was really good at arresting these cancer cells by blocking the hormone receptors, or something like that, but since it was so expensive, he would write the prescription for the lesser (in my mind, I'm thinking CRAPPY) expensive drug and we would see how that worked for me and would I PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get it filled TODAY, not TOMORROW, TODAY and start taking it TODAY????? (again, I got the feeling that he thought I was not aboard this bus yet!)

My sister and I left the place (again, there she was with the trusty notebook and pen!) and I just said to her, "I'm screwed." I can't remember exactly what she said, but it seemed like an agreement with me.

By the time I got home, I was quite upset, nervous, wondering if I should "put my house in order" and start numbering my days. I was hot, sweaty, irritated, cranky, nervous, and felt like for the first time in my life I had no control over anything ---- not one thing --- in my life. Even the hole in my breast, which seemed like something to laugh about the day before, was now just doom and gloom, as he told me there was nothing he could do about it, as this was the tumor coming through, and just brushed it off. I had asked about surgery, but he said with the condition this was in and where it was located, it would make matters a million times worse.

We talked and ranted, and cried, and paced the floor, but I never once thought about having any faith or think that maybe God was in control!!!! I was so busy with my own thoughts, trying so hard to reread into everything the doctor said, that stopping to take a breath and MAYBE ask God for that wonderful peace He promises us was the farthest thing from my mind.

I finally went to bed, defeated, discouraged, and just wanted to fall asleep so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

Wouldn't you know, I woke up at 4:00 am again. Tried staying in bed til 5:30, then HAD to get up! I typed a very crabby email to a very dear friend, then wish I hadn't hit the send button. I'm so glad it landed on very loving, sensitive, understanding ears!!!!!!

BUT THEN. . . . . . the mailman came! There was a registered letter there for me to sign for, and I couldn't imagine who it was from. It looked like a card, but that huge, sticky card was plasted on it, so I couldn't see right away who it was from.
Then I saw my brother's address. I opened the card. . . . and what fell out was a gift from my two brother's families --- enough to pay for this better medication for two months!!!!!

Is it not true that even before we call, God answers????? I hadn't called out at all! I hadn't asked the Lord, or ANYBODY for that matter. But somehow, Tony and Mark, Ann and Sally knew that I would be needing this days ago, and made sure that I had it on the day I would be filling the prescription. Does it get any better than that?

I called the Cancer Center and asked them to change the prescription and call it in for me. I just couldn't wait to get there to pick it up and take that first pill. I felt like I was swallowing my first dose of help, that things have NOW finally started, and I can say we are doing something.

My two sisters, Juri and Johanna have helped me out so much, too, and I just want to thank them here for what they've done! I just never expected them to be here for me like this, to sacrifice for me, and to love me! Without their encouragement on a daily basis, I would be lost, believe me. And now, to have my two big overgrown brothers wrapping their bear hugs around me somehow makes me feel so thankful for my family.

Mark, Tony, Juri, Johanna ----- I don't say it enough! And I haven't said it lately!
I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be doing this, I know!

In spite of my lack of faith, in spite of my crabbing, whining, and fretting, in spite of all my worry, God still had plan for me, one that was not for evil but for good, a plan with a future and a hope.

Will I EVER Learn?????

32 comments:

papel1 said...

Hi Cora,
I am happy that family is helping and you can get the better medicine. At least its a start. It shows not to give up hope.
Judy

Raquel said...

Cora: It is great that your family is helping you like that! Ain't God good? I am praying for you every day. Be patient with the doctor, it sounds to me as if he is just be very concerned about you, wanting to help you! Glad things are going a bit better. Much love - Raquel XO

Deb said...

Hi Cora, the Lord is always there, there's a song called He's A On Time God, and the chourus says,He may not come when you want Him, but He'll be there right on time, He's an on time God, yes He is. That's a very true song. Still have you on my heart and praying for you. Deb

Toni said...

Cora,
I`m so glad you are seeing Gods faithfulness!!I had no idea you still need tests done.I will be praying that you get the funds to get these tests done:)Can your church help?Take care!Blessings,Toni

Dani said...

Cora, I felt something like this was going on...I've been in the same place of confusion, and panic...not health wise but in dire circumstances too...its alot of take in. Doctors are not always very patient or understanding, rattle off the results, not giving you time to take it in or assume you know what he's talking about..lots of head knowledge, not much heart knowledge...God knew, didn't He?
We are all praying!

Mona said...

Deep breath baby cakes. We are all human. That's why we have to take things one day at a time. And sometimes minute by minute. We must thank God for the goodness he blesses us with. And ask for His forgiveness. As for the doctors, they are trained to detach and are operating on logic. You're running on emotion, and your logic center is overwhelmed right now. We all deal with things in our own time and way. You are blessed to have family supporting you. As incomprehensible as this must be to you, God knows what he's doing. Medical treatments are very expensive. I'll pray that someone close to you will begin a fund raiser for your tests and treatments.
Hugs and Blessings to you Cora.

Julie said...

So glad when we think we can't take one more thing that someone is there to carry us and help us through. Blessings to all of your family--that's truly what family's are for. Take care--Julie

ByLightOfMoon said...

Cora,

It is so good to hear from you and yes the doctors are fast and furious. Take it form one who has seen many doctors; if you have questions like the name again? Ask him to wait and spell it out for you to write it down! Once they understand you are taking a pro-active step in learning about your condition, think they will treat you better. I saw 16 doctors in 3 years to get my small fiber neuropathy DX and I did have to ask questions, get all copies of my tests, Labs, and I shared them with all my other Drs to all be on the same page.

I know your circumstances are different, but still take your notes and write down any questions before your next appt or call his nurse and ask her your questions.

I love you too Cora, patience is so hard when you face so many uncertainties. You will get through fine.
Blessings to you, Cyndi

Renna said...

Cora, your heavenly Daddy loves you so much. Each time you're sitting in a seemingly uncaring doctor's office, keep repeating that to yourself, "my Daddy loves me so much".

We, the body, are God's hands extended. He loves us through people, through relatives and friends and strangers. You are mightily loved, Cora.

Katy said...

oh my goodness...you are about making me cry Cora!!! That is such a sweet and wonderful thing they did to send you that....God is totally showing you that He is in charge and is watching over you!!! GOD IS GOOD...ALL THE TIME! ;)

Your insurance won't cover the scans? How much do you need? I bet we could raise it for you!!! I am totally willing to help in whatever way I can! xoxoxoxo

2 Much Farm Primitives said...

You are truly blessed with a wonderful, loving family. Praise God for 'em. Don't give up girl. Let God work thru your family and friends to help you.

Love you girl,
Vic

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

gjCora, that is such an amazing story of God's caring & love. Thank you for reminding us all and helping us to increase our own faith.

Love,
Lea

Ruthie said...

Cora dear, In reading your post, I thought of the verse in Rom. 8:26 where"the Spirit himself makes intercerssion for us with groanings that cannot be uttered".
My footnote states that even when Christians are troubled and have difficulty praying, the Holy Spirit is interceding for them with divine intensity that expresses their needs perfectly to God.
So the Lord is keeping you safely in His care, no matter how you feel or how strong your faith is at the moment. It is His power and love that will get you through.
Just know that we are thinking and praying for you too. So glad your family is there for you. What a wonderful thing.
Hugs.

Cheryl said...

Cora,

Isn't it awesome how our Lord works. I'm so happy you got the money to buy the medication.

Also, I wanted to see if you had checked with the American Cancer Society or other similar places in Florida. There are patient assistance programs and such that you might qualify for. We found all this information when my sister was diagnosed with her brain cancer. If you qualify with the drug company(s) you can get medication either for less or free.

When I came to check on you today, I heard "Learning to Lean." Haven't heard that in years. Thank you for putting it on your playlist. I needed it today!

Blessings!
Cheryl

Primgal55 - Linda said...

OH CORA! I am sitting here crying my eyes out. It is so unfair that your future should be decided on the price of a pill!!! I am so happy that your family came to you side and enabled you to purchase the meds you need.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing the very best you can in light of all that is going on right now.

Please know that I lift you up in prayer each day. DOn't forget about that email I sent you!

hugs, Linda

Shabby Olde Potting Shed said...

Oh Cora,
I'm so thankful that you got your medicine and that God revealed Himself to you so you KNOW He is STILL THERE WITH YOU, AND SEEING YOU THROUGH!!
God bless you and your sweet family.
I just asked "Myguy" to come in here and we read your post together, and he and I PRAYED FOR YOU this very moment. WHERE TWO OR MORE ARE GATHERED ....
Big bear hug from us too!
Love
Lea
EAGLE WINGS BABY!
<*)))><

Joyfulsister said...

Cora..
I was so glad I had my handy dandy box of kleenex reading this post!. You are an amazing woman, your honesty and spirit just hits the heart..

Hugz Lorie

Wilma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kindra said...

What great and unexpected blessing you received from your brothers' families. I am a nurse, well was one before I stayed home with my boys. :) And I know it can be frustrating for the Dr. when the patient don't have any $ to start/finish treatment. I know your Dr. just wants to help and get the best treatment for you. But unfortunately that costs a lot of $. This day and age we shouldn't have to worry about costs and lack of insurance, but that is a real problem and people are suffering because of this. I hope that changes very soon. I know it's probably hard to ask for $ but your church would be happy to help, I'm sure.

I will be keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know good things will come your way. HUGS

Tomatoe Creek Prims said...

Cora,
I'm so happy that your sweet brothers came thur...God knows what we go thur and shows us that thur people around us! Still praying for you.

*Rondell*

Debra said...

Dear Cora,
I don't have any wisdom to help or words to comfort. But I want to tell you when I was facing brain surgery I was very, very scared. God gave me a verse, and I have given it to others who need it. It's Psalm 118:17-I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.
I didn't have cancer, but I SHOULD be dead. Because of the surgery, a clot went to my lungs from my leg. God stopped it from going to my heart and killing me. I really didn't mean to have this so much about me-I'm sorry. You are hurting. I guess I'm trying in a clumsy way to hold your hand and say"Keep your eyes on Jesus, look full in His wonderful face..." I know my attempts at comforting you have been flops lately-my comments have been confusing and sometimes idiotic. Forgive me. But there is a reason for all this, you already know that. It's amazing that when I was going through my ordeal, the scripture about hidden riches from secret places was given to me, and that's what attracted me to your blog. You are a powerful Christian, a beautiful lady, and I keep reading testamonies in these comments about how you've helped people in the past. Somehow, He trusts you with this. Rest in Him. And please tell us how we can help. Love, Debra

simple~needs said...

i know you dont know me but i ran across your blog on the web.
i just want to say,
dont ever give up on faith. sometimes when we are at our lowest god hasnt left us, he is tesing our faith in him.
i will keep you in my thoughts.

Eve said...

Well, Dear Heart, this is where you start learning to lean as that lovely song says.
I was dianosed with PRP, which is a rare skin disorder and went though awful stuggles with my faith at first, but always I knew that even in the midst of my defeat, I could celebrate because I am a child of God and no matter how it turned out, nothing would change that.
Six years of struggle and now I am in remission. Never lose hope. I don't know why some of us have to suffer and others do not, but I do know who holds tomorrow and where we will go when we leave this Earth.

Keep your chin up and lean on those friends and family but most of all, lean on Jesus. You are in my prayers.

We saved over 70 per cent of the cost of my drug by buying it over the internet from Canada. It was a fast and easy thing to do. Your DR can fax the form in for you.

http://www.drugsfromcanada.com/

Alex said...

Cora, thank you for stopping by my site today. I'm not sure how you found me either, but God has brought some amazing people across my path this week, that have been encouraging and uplifting...more than I could ever imagine! I don't know what the future holds for me for my health, but I have to believe, that no matter what, something good will come of it.

Hang in there. I'll add you to my prayer list.

Alice Grace said...

Dear Cora, I found your blog thru your friend at Farmhouse Blessings. I have already sent out prayer requests to others for you. At a time like this, it may be comforting to know that someone is standing in for you at this time and praying. I will be watching your posts to see how things are coming along with you. I see many have given you some good tips on meds and help. Your family loves you and are proving it. May God make His face to shine upon you and give you peace and healing is my prayer.
Alice Grace

Vintage Linen Treasures said...

Sweet Cora!
You have so much on your plate and yet you find the time to visit my blog and leave such a wonderful and uplifting comment.
Thank you,
Patricia :o)

Valerie said...

There is nothing like family. I am praying for you and your family.

Memphis Mimi said...

Cora, I am alarmed that you are not getting the help you need. Here is a website that might be helpful to you. Many drug companies will give patients the meds they need if they can't afford them themselves. Also on this site check under "Additional Programs" and "Government Programs". You could get a grant from either the government or a foundation or both to help you with your medical bills. I am so proud of you for speaking up and saying, "I can't pay my medical bills alone." So many times we sabotage ourselves with false pride. Here's the site

http://www.needymeds.com/program_list.taf

email me and let me know you got this post please. teri.calhoun@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Cora,
My family and I will be praying for you. Lack of insurance and fear should never again stop a woman from going to check out symptoms! I know that there are many, many women with your same story.....if we can but alert and save one! What a great organization you have found! I hope that everyone of your readers who has a blog will post the information about this great organization on their blog...whether or not they are dealing with health issues or not. I believe that God leads people to certain blogs for help when they most need it. I read on another blog, and if I could remember the source, I would give credit because it has changed the way that I am going to take control from now on (can you tell that I have been where you have been in relation to fear?)
"DO IT AFRAID!" You are worth it! Go get it checked out!

Part of your praying family,
Ruthie from california

Pam said...

Oh Cora...I'm so glad that your family is there to help.

It is only natural that you would have those days; but the fact is, you are still able to see God's grace and goodness. God is so good, and He is there with you each step of the way. Your strength is amazing. You are a blessing to so many, more than you know.
Cora, you remain in my thoughts and in my prayers daily.
Hugs,
Pam

Anonymous said...

dear Cora,
I can across your blog thru my good friend lea(shabbyoldepottingshed) my heart goes out to you. I personally know how confused the drs. can make us. and sometimes we lose our faith. but, keep your chin you are so blessed to have family and friends to pary and care about you. take a small tape recorder with you the next time you go to the dr. this way you can record everything the dr has to say and then listen to him again when you get home. and if you don't understand something you can write your questions down for your next vist. i know this is can help you keep you in control of things that are happing to you. love and prayers maxie

Charity said...

I should know better than to visit without a box of Kleenix handy. I can't seem to read anything here without crying a bucketload of tears. God is so good. And He is certainly tenderly caring for you, his beloved lamb. I'm so grateful for the loving people He has put into your life. Now only if He'd do something about that crank of a doctor. I'm sure, as raquel said, that it's just that he is so concerned and wants to passionately to give you the best possible treatment.

Charity