Will I EVER Learn????

I decided today that my faith level is the pits!!!!! I'm not even sure it's even mustard seed size! I'm a great one for spouting off to people about having faith in God, believe that He will supply. And I've even used examples of how the Lord has supplied for ME in the past. Yeah!!!! That's really easy to do when you are looking BACK on things, believe me, but when you are hit square in the face with something that is IMPOSSIBLE for you to work out on your own in any possible way, that's when we really see what is in our hearts and what isn't! The proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

I couldn't even find a mustard seed sized pieced of faith in my heart yesterday, and my day was about the worst one I ever had. It's a good thing people like Colton and all my friends here have hearts bursting with mustard seeds, because I know it was YOUR faith and YOUR prayers that brought this all about!

I was called in to see the cancer doctor yesterday. I was pretty happy about that --- thought he would tell me about the pathology report, I would have a NAME to this cancer thing, a plan would be mapped out for me, and the show would begin. I wasn't scared, nervous or anything, and pretty much in a good mood about going.

Why is it every one of these doctor appointments turn out to be mouth-droppers????? I guess I'm just not used to being a patient and it's all new to me or something.

He rattled off the type of cancer --- one of those ones that has to do with hormones (can't remember the exact name right now) and has a midway growth factor --- not real fast, but not really slow, either. I do remember the words, "hormone antagonistic."
After that, the conversation went down hill. He seemed agitated with me because I had not had the scans yet (still waiting on funding for that) as he can't do anything without knowing how far this has spread throughout my body. And for some reason, I got the feeling he was blaming ME, that perhaps I wasn't "with the program" or didn't really want treatment or something. And I was very self-conscious of the fact that I was showing no emotions on my face, or expressing any feelings, etc. I KNOW I'm not a "facial" person. I look like stone half the time. But here I sat, trying to process all he was saying, thinking about what could be paid for and what could NOT, etc., etc., etc. and before I could process one sentence, he was miles ahead of me talkinga bout something else even more aggravating. Then he whipped out his prescription pad and said that he would really like to start me on one medication that was really good at arresting these cancer cells by blocking the hormone receptors, or something like that, but since it was so expensive, he would write the prescription for the lesser (in my mind, I'm thinking CRAPPY) expensive drug and we would see how that worked for me and would I PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get it filled TODAY, not TOMORROW, TODAY and start taking it TODAY????? (again, I got the feeling that he thought I was not aboard this bus yet!)

My sister and I left the place (again, there she was with the trusty notebook and pen!) and I just said to her, "I'm screwed." I can't remember exactly what she said, but it seemed like an agreement with me.

By the time I got home, I was quite upset, nervous, wondering if I should "put my house in order" and start numbering my days. I was hot, sweaty, irritated, cranky, nervous, and felt like for the first time in my life I had no control over anything ---- not one thing --- in my life. Even the hole in my breast, which seemed like something to laugh about the day before, was now just doom and gloom, as he told me there was nothing he could do about it, as this was the tumor coming through, and just brushed it off. I had asked about surgery, but he said with the condition this was in and where it was located, it would make matters a million times worse.

We talked and ranted, and cried, and paced the floor, but I never once thought about having any faith or think that maybe God was in control!!!! I was so busy with my own thoughts, trying so hard to reread into everything the doctor said, that stopping to take a breath and MAYBE ask God for that wonderful peace He promises us was the farthest thing from my mind.

I finally went to bed, defeated, discouraged, and just wanted to fall asleep so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

Wouldn't you know, I woke up at 4:00 am again. Tried staying in bed til 5:30, then HAD to get up! I typed a very crabby email to a very dear friend, then wish I hadn't hit the send button. I'm so glad it landed on very loving, sensitive, understanding ears!!!!!!

BUT THEN. . . . . . the mailman came! There was a registered letter there for me to sign for, and I couldn't imagine who it was from. It looked like a card, but that huge, sticky card was plasted on it, so I couldn't see right away who it was from.
Then I saw my brother's address. I opened the card. . . . and what fell out was a gift from my two brother's families --- enough to pay for this better medication for two months!!!!!

Is it not true that even before we call, God answers????? I hadn't called out at all! I hadn't asked the Lord, or ANYBODY for that matter. But somehow, Tony and Mark, Ann and Sally knew that I would be needing this days ago, and made sure that I had it on the day I would be filling the prescription. Does it get any better than that?

I called the Cancer Center and asked them to change the prescription and call it in for me. I just couldn't wait to get there to pick it up and take that first pill. I felt like I was swallowing my first dose of help, that things have NOW finally started, and I can say we are doing something.

My two sisters, Juri and Johanna have helped me out so much, too, and I just want to thank them here for what they've done! I just never expected them to be here for me like this, to sacrifice for me, and to love me! Without their encouragement on a daily basis, I would be lost, believe me. And now, to have my two big overgrown brothers wrapping their bear hugs around me somehow makes me feel so thankful for my family.

Mark, Tony, Juri, Johanna ----- I don't say it enough! And I haven't said it lately!
I love you all from the bottom of my heart, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be doing this, I know!

In spite of my lack of faith, in spite of my crabbing, whining, and fretting, in spite of all my worry, God still had plan for me, one that was not for evil but for good, a plan with a future and a hope.

Will I EVER Learn?????