Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Daybook Entry for September 3, 2008


FOR TODAY (September 3, 2008)...

Outside My Window The sun is up, the birds ar at the feeder, and it looks like it will be a beautiful, warm, sunny day. The 8 wasps that had been so faithful to their nest building finally gave up after all their labors were dashed to the ground. . . again! The damp, smooth window pane proved not to be a good foundation after all. With all the rain and wind of the past week, it fell and they have not been back.

I am thinking. . . It's a good thing I did not do this post yesterday. Yesterday had to be the darkest of all days in my life, and the culmination of a week of chemo misery. I was so tired and weak, started the day with a terrible migraine headache, along with a thousand other petty, and what seems now insigificant whinings and complaints. But I felt I was never going back and would just go on to whatever end "nonchemo" would take me to. It was just too much for me. I couldn't stop the tears all day. I was beyond crabby. . .I was defeated.

I am thankful for... Another Day!!!! A good night's sleep. Sherbet. Buster kisses in the morning, forgiving me for yesterday.

From the kitchen... I feel like a bowl of hot cereal with raisins in it. Maybe Wheatena! Haven't had that in years and it sounds good with butter, brown sugar, cinnamon. . . .!.

I am wearing... Not dressed yet. A pink knit, soft nightie!

I am creating... Ideas on how to get through this day, and the rest of my life of chemo treatments! If each one is worse than the next, I'm not sure I can face any more of this. If there is a pill that will just let you sleep for 7 days, I need to find it!!!!

I am going... Nowhere. So far, I've made it to the porch to let Buster out. He sooooo does not understand! He thinks if he brings me all his toys that this will make me feel better. I say he doesn't understand, but there is this cute little wrinkle on his forehead and he sits there with me and lets me pet him -- something new since usually he runs 100 miles an hour and NEVER stops for anyone!

I am reading... Nothing! My eyes won't focus right now.

I am hoping... I can crawl out from under the this dark rock. I'm not the most bubbly, up, outwardly joyful person. Those who know me well would call me quiet, more on the "meloncholic" side of life. I was born that way and it's an even keel for me. So when I have a "dark" day, believe me, it's BLACK! If how I feel right now is any indicator of how the day is going to be, then that prayer is answered because I feel so much better!

I am hearing... Buster snoring under my feet. "Uncle Bob", my BIL, graciously came over last night and ran with Buster until both them caved in. Not sure who flopped first. But I do know Buster had a GOOD night's sleep and seems to want to continue!

Around the house...There is so much to do. But it will all have to wait a few more days. I will do some wash, though.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week. . . Tomorrow is my "mid Chemo" Dr. appointment at the Cancer Center. I really don't want to go. Don't know what to tell him. I feel that all I do is whine and that the things that totally took me down a few days before sound like pettie, snibbling, whining complaints. But at the time, it's all I could do to find the bed and cover my head with the sheets and blankets and pray for the end of my life!!!!.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

Yesterday, while crying in my pillow and wishing I were dead, a little chorus to a hymn we used to sing in church years and years ago came to my mind. It would not leave me, and once again I realized it was not MY battle. It is only through HIS grace that we are victorious. Whatever your battle is today, and no matter how dark your day might be, or how far back in the race you have lapsed, God is with you, the victory is His, and He wraps you in the winner's flag of grace!

Not to the strong is the battle,
Not to the swift is the race,
But to the true and the faithful
Victory is promised through grace!


I'm so glad to be able to participate with the others in this Notebook entry. You can visit The Simple Woman's blog


Nicole said...

Oh, Cora I am so sorry to hear of your day yesterday. I'm glad you were honest about it though. Hang in there, and me and others are praying for you.

I know this may not comfort you because in some people's mind it doesn't maybe seem like I could understand at all, but I feel I do to an extent. With the Lymes Disease that I currently have, everytime by body goes to detox it I feel the way you described. I barely make it out of bed, barely get any housework done (if any), and it is a miracle if I am able to meet my transcribing line count for the day. There are days that I have felt so depressed and like dieing also, and thought to myself, is it worth it? THen I remember for me, I want to get to the bottom of this issue and not put a Band-Aid on it.

I don't understand why God allows these health issues to happen in our lives. RIght now I don't have any good insight or wisdom but just want you to know that I care and feel that I can relate (to the symptoms).


Raquel said...

Cora, prayers going up for you right now. I cannot imagine what you are going thru! Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is! Much love, Raquel XO

Wanita said...

Cora, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. Words always seem to fail me when I want to express comfort in such difficult times, but I continue to pray for you. I'm thankful for the promise in Romans 9 that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, even when we don't have the words.


Deb said...

Hang in there Cora, you're gonna make it. I don't know how hard it is darling, but your spirit tells me you're a fighter. You're forever in my thoughts and prayers. Deb

Sherri said...

Cora, you have been on my mind all weekend. My prayers are for you and you alone this day! God is bigger than any of us and I know He is with you everyday. Blessings,

Renna said...

You never cease to amaze me, Cora; no matter how much is coming at you, you always manage to encourage others to look to God, from 'whence cometh our help'. You are an absolute inspiration.

Please never hesitate to tell us exactly how bad it is. I believe in praying specifically!

Jan and Tom's Place said...

Awwwww ((((CORA)))) sorry to hear of your down day ~ but praying you don't have many. We're still praying for you, especially on DAY of PRAYER on Tuesdays!


This simple Life said...

Cora, that was pure poetry.

StitchinByTheLake said...

My heart hurts for you. blessings, marlene

Julie said...

Just sending ((((((HUGS))))))--which it could be more, but know that I am thinking about you---I have a mammagram tomorrow. Just the yearly check-up---hope you are feeling better today. Julie

Debra said...

I saw a great sign at our vet's office. It said, "God, make me the person my dog thinks I am."
Dogs have a way of never letting on how grumpy we were yesterday or today, and they are frantic to "forgive" us and just move on to the next thing, which is more love, more treats, more attention...Even though I bet he's a handful, I'm really glad you have him.
It is so awesome, like Renna said, how you encourage your readers.
We will just keep those prayers going up all day.
Love, Debra

Kathy @ Joyful Journey Journal said...

Cora, Being a melacholy personality myself (my entire life), and having chronic pain, I feel for you and can certainly empathize with you when you have really black days. They are horrible, but God is still there, in spite of how bad they are, holding your hand and waiting it out with you. That said, I still can't imagine what it's like to take chemo, but keep going and getting treatment. You need to be sure they understand how bad your side effects are and ask for more medication to help you get through those. They can try various drugs to help with the nausea, depression, etc. Promise me you will be sure to discuss these with your doctor (I'm a nurse - I know what's available). If you are on something, ask for something different until you find something that works. No one should have to be so miserable! You are being lifted up today.

Toni said...

God will be your strength. I`m praying for you and think of you often.
Wish I could be there to help:)
Love and blessings,Toni

Linda said...

Cora, I am so sorry it is so hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

The Shabby Secret Garden said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad... and I just read what Kathy wrote about telling your doctors exactly what you're feeling and I think she's right. Maybe there are other things they can give you to alleviate the side affects,...?
My heart breaks for you... and wish there was something I could do.
Love and prayers sweet friend,

Judy's Vintage Collections said...

Dear Cora, I know that you do feel bad and believe me I remember so sweet husband cancer days....I have been asking prayers for you in church so people are getting to know of you...In the heart of Texas...I got a email from an Artist I know...She said she read about you on my blog and now is holding you up in daily prayer...I showed your art to my son the other day and told him your story...How that I have had it for years hanging in my living room...then how I found you and knew that it was your artwork.... He was touched and now praying for you...Hang in there...God is going to see you through your darkest days....You are loved by many! But God loves you more! His arms will be enough to keep you up...and right now that all you can do is look up....I have dial-up so it not always easy to load a post....but I am here in prayer!
Be safe in Jesus!
from the heart of Texas

Kathy @ Joyful Journey Journal said...

Cora - I bid on a Mr. Coffee carafe! I could "buy it now" for $8.95 + shipping, but I'm holding out for less. What a deal! I know that there are better coffee makers now, but I'm too frugal to get rid of this one. Besides, I'm the only coffee drinker in the house.

Linda said...

"He thinks if he brings me all his toys that this will make me feel better" That is just TOO cute! ;) My daughter would do the same thing....

I'm sorry to hear life is so hard right now.. but on the other hand I'm so glad to read you're relying on God and trusting Him in all.. that's half the battle won!

I just LOVE that sign as well.. I think I'm going to copy it.. I still have some wood left....!

Greetings from Holland!

Joyfulsister said...

My Dearest Sis..

I want you to know that I wish I could be there beside you and just hug you and tell you face to face how much you have become such a dear sister to me. You have been part of my prayer life since I first came to visit you on your blog. When I went to camp I put your name upon a pure white linen cloth on the table in our 24 hr prayer tent that went on around the clock all weekend. You can see a picture with your name on the cloth on my blog, along side two other sisters who are on the same journey. Tears came to my eyes when I read this post today, not because I was feeling sorry for you, because I know you don't want us to do that, the tears were because of how much of an inspiration you are to me. your realness, and you're strength just to be able to blog and express and share your journey with us. I also became quiet, more to myself during my treatments. Poem after poem I expressed my inner most and darkest times, my soul cries I call them. and it's okay let your soul cry out and express all that is within you, the Lord will begin to show you more and more of his hidden treasures that awaits you in those times.
I luv *U* dear friend, I'm finishing up one more item before I send your card..
Hugz Lorie

2 Much Farm Primitives said...

Still praying for you Cora.

BIG HUGS............

Love ya girl,

Danielle Says Hello said...

I understand. Although I have not walked this walk I have walked it with family members. I wish I could comfort you. Sending you a heartfelt hug.

Patty H. said...

I'm sending you hugs and prayers. You have a lot of people around you, holding you up high so that you will win this battle.
I saw a sign at Kirklands the other day that said, it's not about waiting til the storm passes by, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

Katy said...

oh gosh...Cora...I am so sorry that yesterday was such a miserable day! The strength and perseverance you are demonstrating is absolutely inspiring. I can't completely imagine your pain :(.I am so sorry you have to go through it! I pray the days only get better and please know that a gal in PA is praying for you!!!!! xoxo

Debra said...

I have an award for you on my blog!
Love, Debra

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

My heart is breaking as I read of your suffering. There are no words. Just know I'm here praying and caring about you.