Friday, September 26, 2008

A Great Day!!!!!

My sister, Juri, posted this picture recently on her blog and I just loved it! It is a picture that looks down our driveway to the back of our property, and just kind of gets lost in the distance. I don't walk that road very often anymore -- I get too tired. But I always loved all the wild flowers, trees, and birds that are back there.
Today as I looked at that picture, I thought of my own journey as I progress down the road with Breast Cancer. I feel as though I'm standing where Juri took that picture -- just a little ways off the main road --- and staring down a pathway that just seems to have no end to it.

I don't mean to sound discouraged or down. In fact, today is the day I'm wearing my big, happy face. It's just that the oncologist today reminded me that we are just starting this journey. What a thought!!!!! It's been 4 months since I saw the very first doctor, been through all kinds of tests, biopsies, scans, and 3 chemo treatments already and we are just starting?????? That's one long walk down that driveway yet, believe me!!!!

But the good news???? The doc was ECSTATIC with the progress of the tumor. In fact, his exact words were, "There is very little tumor left!" Now, you have to understand that this doc is not Mr. Happy, cheer you up, make you feel good, kind of guy. But today, you would have thought he won the lottery!!!!! And for some reason, I was having trouble getting into it with him.

When he saw the tumor site ("the hole" as I like to call it) he was just thrilled with it. Here I'm thinking all week that it is getting so horrid looking, with lumps and bumps, and getting what seemed even larger. He said, "NO, NO!!!! That is all new tissue growing in there as the tumor is dying. There's just a little tumor left around the edges and that will fall away and form all new tissue just like what's inside there." So this new tissue is what we want and it will eventually fill this hole.

His word of encouragement was that we are just starting this journey, and look how good it is working already. He has no doubt that we are going to beat this at this rate.

So. . . . Needless to say, my sister and I left that place with light hearts and hungry stomachs!!!! We shopped at Joann's for a while, then ended up at Bob Evans for one of those mountain high stacked Philly Steak and Cheese stacks!!!!! That's the most food I've eaten in weeks and weeks, but was it ever good!!!!!

It's taken a few hours for this good news to settle in and to make myself realize that the misery of the chemo treatments is only for a little while. It does take good news like this to put up with the tired, achey bones, the pounding heart, the tasteless tongue, the burning pee, the acid stomachs, and the feeling like you were just run over by an 18 wheeler. Suddenly, the hole in the breast is a GOOD thing instead of a BAD thing, and I pull myself up ready to go another round!

Maybe in a few weeks, we'll take another picture of that driveway, and it will be a few more steps down the way towards the end of this journey.

All day today for some reason, this old, old hymn has been going through my mind. Another one of those that it seems I've known since I was in the cradle!!!!! I looked all over for the music for you to hear as you read the words -- but couldn't find it to put on my list! The best I could do is this video, so if you want to sing along, stop the music at the bottom of my blog and listen and sing along!!!! That very last line to the last verse has always, always caused me to stop and think: "Those who trust Him wholly, find Him wholly true." I don't know how trusting I've been. . .nor have thought of myself much worthy of His healing and answers to my prayers. . . and at times I've thought that at best, I got what I deserved!!!!! But you know, He is so gracious, so forgiving, holds me in the hollow of His hands and looks at this poor soul with so much love. . . .in spite of my lack of trust! And believe me, He is trustworthy!!!!!

Like a river glorious, is God’s perfect peace,
Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
Perfect, yet it floweth, fuller every day,
Perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.


Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.


Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully all for us to do.
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I'm going nuts!!!!!

OK! Just tell me that it is the Chemo working on my brain. Or the steroids in the chemo. Or maybe that I'm getting old and stupid and senility is setting in or something. But what in the world would possess me to want one of these??????? I just went through over a year of terror, heartbreak, bad words, loss of temper, pulling out my hair, flunking Bad Boy School, etc., etc., etc., and still. . . . . I want one.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!

There's 10 of these heart grabbers, so. . . . You can go see the whole lot of these fur balls here:

Monday, September 22, 2008

Daybook Entry for September 22, 2008


FOR TODAY (September 22, 2008)...

Outside My Window It's cloudy, a little cooler than usual -- what a blessing! Leaves are slowly starting to fall, berries are turning purple!

I am thinking. . .I hope it doesn't rain as my sister is getting a new roof put on her home.

I am thankful for...A SHOWER!!! Had to sit, but I did it! Loving and praying friends and family. Emails that are so encouraging! Especially thankful that this chemo treatment seems to be going ok so far. This is day #5 since I got it. I'm very tired and wear out easily, but other than that, I'm doing ok. It seems that the key is preplanning everything!

From the kitchen... Patsy made some egg salad for sandwiches. Meatloaf is on the menu for dinner. Great for left overs later in the week. I think I'd like a plate full of mashed potatoes!

I am wearing... loose tee shirt, black loose slacks!

I am creating... At least TRYING to create ---- a better plan for getting things listed on ebay during these "Chemo days" and getting them shipped when they are sold. Wouldn't you know, sales were very light duing my "up" days, and now all of a sudden I'm swamped with sales. I'm NOT complaining, believe me! I'll work around it, for sure!

I am going... Nowhere today! Can hardly make it out to the porch with Buster!

I am reading... Remember those little, daily flip calanders that were so popular in the early 90's???? I was addicted to them and still have about 40 of those things. Since my concentration level seems to only reach the span of about 1 or 2 sentences, I've dug a few of these out and reading them. So many great, encouraging verses, prayers, quotes, etc. I even have one in the bathroom to keep me company there!

I am hoping... The pills the Dr. prescribed last time are helping a lot, including the Prilocec for the awful brick in my stomach. That's two hurdles out of my way this time, making things easier. I'm hoping the rest of the week is better each day!

I am hearing... The constant sound of power nailers on my sister's roof. Buster has decided it's not for him to worry about. I just heard a BIG sigh behind me as he finally fell asleep. He thought this was something HE had to take care of!

Around the house... STILL doing laundry! Since I seem to SWEAT so badly with this chemo, I'm changing sheets, pillow cases, clothing, constantly! I need an ice bed!

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week. . . Nothing much! Right now a plan might include how to get through taking a shower without caving in.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

I was raised long ago in a church that sang all the "old", slow, ancient hymns of the church. As a child, I stood beside my father, sharing the hymnal, and listening to his rich, deep, base voice sing out those hymns, and sometimes he would point to the words in the book as we sang along. I learned the tunes, even the words, but it seemed the meanings were too deep for me to understand, and I got tired of standing through 4 or 5 verses of the same hymn. Later on, as I learned my Bible, what the Lord had done for me, and what it all meant, those hymns became more and more precious.

The photo above makes me think of "The Solid Rock", a song we sang so frequently. There is a verse in that song that says, "When darkness veils His loving face, I rest on His unchanging grace." There have been days of darkness for me recently. Days when I wanted to give up. Days when I thought I couldn't go through any more. Yet, even though I could not see His face, He was there, sustaining me with that unchanging grace, getting me through step by step. My Dad was a testimony to that fact -- that though he could not see Him on the darkest of days, God's Grace was there to get him through.

The version of that hymn that is playing now would raise the hairs on my Dad's neck, as he was from the old Dutch Reformed, with slow, somber heavy hymns. But the words are still the same and the meaning never changes, does it! Hope you enjoy!


I'm so glad to be able to participate with the others in this Notebook entry. You can visit The Simple Woman's blog

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Chemo Treatment #3!

All went well today. And it went faster than the other two times. This time I went prepared with some cookies, bottled water, grapes, etc. I seem to get sooooo hungry with this. And then Juri and I went to Denny's for club sandwiches and a salad. You would have thought we hadn't eaten in days!!!!!

My blood work was fine, BP was fine, etc. Got to see my oncologist again and he was in a VERY happy mood today. Called me his trouble patient!!!???? But when he looked at the "hole" at the tumor site, he did say in a very excited voice that it was looking soooooo much better ---- wonderful!!!!! That made me very happy. I pressed him for some kind of number with these chemo treatments. Just so I could have a light at the end of the tunnel, a number to cross off, etc. He rubbed his bald head, grimmiced a bit, but said he could be sure, but probably 6. So I'm half way through. That also made me feel very relieved. The chemo treatments will take me to Thanksgiving. I hope I get some break after that, but in some ways, I just want it all hurried up and over with.

So now I begin the three week journey over again. I hope it's easier this time. At least I'm more prepared for the black days, and I did get the Prilocec for that "brick" that seemed to never move from my stomach. It's already helping. If I can remove every little whiney annoyance that I can, at least I can just lay in bed in peace and count off the days! But when you have a rock lodged in your stomach, you can't eat or drink because of it, on top of feeling like flattened out road kill -- well, that was just one thing that had to be resolved.

Tommorrow I go back for that Neulasta shot (keeps the blood count up). It's usually the day after that that I start noticing the downhill slip. By Friday night, I expect to cave in. Then it's like, "See ya next week, gang!"

Thanks again for everyone who has been praying for me. I can't beleive all the support, love, prayers, emails, etc., that I've been getting!!!!!! I've tried to get back to everyone, and I will eventually!!!! Just know that it has meant everything to me to know that you are all there praying. Couldn't have come this far without you, believe me!!!!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Daybook entry for September 15, 2008


FOR TODAY (September 15, 2008)...

Outside My Window It's a beautiful morning, sunny, with a little breeze. Starting to feel a little cooler in the mornings now -- a relief after a hot, muggy summer! Some leaves are starting to fall, too!

I am thinking. . . I can't believe almost three weeks have past already since my last chemo treatment and that #3 is just a few days away. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it. It's one thing to wake up one morning and discover you are sick or something. It's another thing to KNOW that in a few days you will feel like death warmed over and have to plan for it!!!

I am thankful for... Loving and praying friends and family. My sister's chili. All the cards and gifts I've received. .

From the kitchen... Don't have a clue yet. I have a full freezer, so I'll be opening the door in a while, standing there staring, hoping something jumps out at me. Maybe meatloaf?.

I am wearing... print tee shirt, black slacks, barefoot!

I am creating... Ideas on how to get through this day, and the rest of my life of chemo treatments! If each one is worse than the next, I wonder if I'll make it through this next one. It seems that I tire out so easily lately and have to plan things out so there are breaks in between. I hope I can get some idea from the Dr. Wednesday as to how many more I'm going to have to have. I would at least like to have some idea as to how far down the road the end is.

I am going... Probably to the post office, drug store, and grocery store.

I am reading... Remember those little, daily flip calanders that were so popular in the early 90's???? I was addicted to them and still have about 40 of those things. Since my concentration level seems to only reach the span of about 1 or 2 sentences, I've dug a few of these out and reading them. So many great, encouraging verses, prayers, quotes, etc. I even have one in the bathroom to keep me company there!

I am hoping... The pills the Dr. prescribed will keep the dark days at a minimum this time. That was NOT a happy experience at all! But at least I know what caused it and am prepared this time!

I am hearing... Cardinals, Titmice, and Chickadees chirping at the feeder.

Around the house... Why is it there is ALWAYS laundry to do???? And I'll be cutting away on quilts, etc., so Patsy is well stocked up for sewing and stitching during that week I'm down for the count!

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week. . . Stock up on what I can eat next week, Chemo on Wednesday, change sheets and have a spare set ready for changing after a night of the sweats! Make sure all orders are mailed out.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

This morning, Buster alerted me to the fact that there were sqirrels in the backyard stealing our acorns. It's been so much fun to watch a momma sqirrel build her nest in my birdhouse and see those little heads peeking out now and then! Watching her collect acorns, eating some, burying some, and taking some home has been great. I always rattle the door a little before letting Buster chase her off ---- she knows the sound and heads up the tree with her nut, leaving Buster totally bewildered!!!!


I'm so glad to be able to participate with the others in this Notebook entry. You can visit The Simple Woman's blog

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Miracles Never Cease!!!!

Last week, I posted about Buster, my Chocolate Lab! So many of you were so encouraging about him settling down, learning to behave, etc., and I thank you for all those comments.

A few days ago, my sister and brother-in-law decided to do an experiment, mustard up all the nerve they could, and came through the gate into my back yard. We only had to say "NO!" one time, and Buster did NOT jump on them, as excited as he was to have his favorite friends there. We walked up to the porch, sat down, and waited to see what would happen. Believe it or not, he was as good as gold the whole time we were there. To most of you, this would go unnoticed, but to all of us, it was the biggest change we've seen yet in Buster. Usually "Uncle Bob" would go home with scratches, blood dripping down his arm, dirt all over his shirt, etc. I just couldn't believe the change and my hopes were renewed that MAYBE I'll end up with a great dog after all.

I've noticed Buster doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe it's a part of the maturing process, or the fact that a lot of the hyper-ness is going away, but he does seem to be figuring out that some things make me happy, and some thing DON'T!!!!

I went way back in my blog and read some of those first posts about how terrible he was, flunking out of obedience school, and thinking I would have to give him up. It's been a hard year with him, but I'm beginning to think it will all be worth it. When you see continuing progress each and every day, there's a lot more "Good Boy!" being said, than all the other stuff that goes with "Bad Boy!!!!"

If I ever get another dog, and I have a pick of the litter, it will NOT be the one that is happy, up front, jumping on me, loving me, and having a gay old time of it. It will be the poor little sad faced guy, the one who looks like he needs a friend -- NOT the one who thinks the world revolves around him, like Buster did. I'm too old for all these shanannagins!!!!!

So here he is -- sleeping on my feet under my computer. My best friend, all wrapped around my heart now. Who would have thought it would take over a year for him to figure life out and to get ME trained?????

Monday, September 8, 2008

Best Ever Pot Roast!

I'm not a good planner as to what I'm having for dinner the next day, etc. So I'm really bad at getting something out of the freezer and getting it defrosted in time.
The other day, on the spur of the moment, I decided on a nice pot roast. There it was, sitting in my freezer, as hard as a brick. But I thought. . . . . let's experiment here!!!!!

It was a nice chuck roast -- couple of pounds. I unwrapped that baby, made sure all the plastic, etc., was off as it was frozen to the meat!

I got out my big thick, heavy, dutch oven and drizzled some oil in the bottom of the pan and got it heated to a high temperature. Sprinkled salt, pepper, and garlic in the oil and dropped that frozen brick of meat into that pan.

Don't move it around a lot. Just let it sizzle for a few minutes, especially if it's a frozen brick like mine. While you are waiting, salt, pepper, and garlic the side that is up and facing you. Then, take a peak on the sizzling size and see if it is nicely browned. If so, turn it over and brown the other side.

Now you have a choice. Since my crockpot bit the dust, I left mine in this same heavy pot to finish my roast. If you have a crockpot, you can remove the roast from the pan to your crockpot at this point!

Now: 1. Add one LARGE family size can of Cream of Mushroom soup, undiluted.
2. Add one envelope of Beefy onion soup (Liptons - comes two in a box).
3. Add about 1 1/2 cups of water.
4. Cut about 3 large onions in chunks and throw in there.

That's it. Cover that baby and let it cook. I turned mine on a med - low heat for a while, since I knew it was still probably frozen in the center, and I checked on it often to make sure it was still going at a slow boil. In the crockpot, I would set it on high, make sure it comes to a boil, then lower to medium.

I cooked mine for about 4 hours. At about the two hour mark, I added carrots. You can add potatoes, but I had mashed potatoes in mind, so didn't this time.

When your roast is fork tender, falling apart, making you drool, etc., it's done!
Check the thickness of all that artery clogging, delicious gravy. If you want it thicker, take some out into a bowl, whisk in some flour, then pour back into your pan and mix well till thickened.

I guarantee you, this is the all time best pot roast I've ever made. You just can't go wrong!!!!!!

PS: Someone left a comment that she makes this recipe except she cooks it in the oven! I forgot to mention that I have done this receipt in one of those cooking bags with all the same ingredients, tied that bag up, and followed the temp, etc., on the roasting bag directions. Same results!!!! Just delicious!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Update on Buster!

Some of you have followed my blog from the very beginning, and you are probably wondering whatever happened with all the behavorial, emotional, and weird habits that I struggled with him for so, so long. As you recall, there were times I was just ready to give up and get rid of him, as I just couldn't get a handle on all the issues going on at one time.

Yes, we flunked out of "Bad Boy School." That is still to his shame, and he remembers, believe me, when I say those words. But what we did learn there is embedded in his little heart and he does well on his leash with those few commands.

So many people told me that it would take a year to two years for him to "settle down," and I wondered if that day would ever come. My front door has not been open in months and months because he is so strong and pushes right past me out the door. No one can come in unless they are suited up with bubble wrap and protective head gear. And Heaven only knows if he will go through my front window again if a squirrel dares to come too close to the house again!!!!!

I'm not allowed to talk on the phone in the house. I have to sit outside and talk. That seems to be ok with him.

About two months ago, I thought I would just HAVE to get a handle on some of the other issues, like barking in my face, the defiant "NO" that I get when I tell him to not do something, or give a command, etc. I reluctantly bought one of those collars that has the remote that gives the shock when they disobey. But there it sits, still in the box, sitting on the table. I just couldn't do it.

Since the start of the whole cancer journey, though, there seems to have been some changes in Buster, most on the positive side. I don't know if he just knows. . . . or if he is just growing up and settling in. Here in the house, he seems to have grown more quiet, more attuned to my moods and feelings, more "sweet" in his actions towards me, and less of a "pain in the neck!" For the first time, he is actually sitting with me beside my rocker out on the porch. You have to understand, this dog NEVER sits outside. He runs like a maniac at about 100 miles per hour. Hence, no pictures!!!!! To have him sit there with me seems almost like a miracle!

One good thing that happened by chance was the "good boy box." All I have to say is those words to him, and everything changes. He knows where the good boy box is, and when he hears those words, he melts into this loving, sitting, attentive, drooling, "I'll be good forever" dogs with eyes that just melt your heart. You see, in the "Good Boy Box" are PIGS' EARS! His all time favorite treat. You have to understand that these are NOT cheap! So mostly, these are used to get him to go to bed. He seemed to never want to go with me to bed, and I dared not leave him alone in the house, as I would not HAVE a house in the morning! So it costs me a pig's ear to go to bed!!!!!

We have yet to try a guest in the house again. But we are thinking that my sister would make a good guinea pig to see if he can behave like a normal dog. He loves Aunt Juri and Uncle Bob so much that he just barrels them over!!!! He can't hear a command, settle down, sit, come, stay, or anything if they are in the house. So. . . . when my sister feels up to having her hair pulled out, face covered with slobber, etc., we will try again. I'm hoping for some kind of improvement. . . . otherwise, our existance in this house will be a very lonely one, for sure. No one in. . . .no one out!

You can't say I haven't tried!!!!! If I didn't love the overgrown ofe so much, he would have been gone long ago! To see an ounce of improvement is a miracle, so I'm holding out some hope for a good future between us! The fact that BUSTER loves ME has a lot to do with his staying here, too. In fact, there seems to be some kind of anxiety disorder going on there as he is STILL velcroed to my side 24/7. He still will not go out by himself, even though he has a huge fenced in back yard all to himself. I have to go out with him as if he were an 8 week old puppy. The alternative????? He broke down my back door!!!!!

So there we are. Oh, every morning I get my bald head washed with kisses! Now, doesn't that count for something??????

Saturday, September 6, 2008

He Is Faithful

Years ago, I remember sitting on a stump on a cold, winter night in a lonely pasture looking up at the gazillion stars. They seemed so bright and clear that night for some reason. I heard some whipporwills answering each other in the woods that lined the pasture clearing, but other than that it was silent. . . except for my heart!

There's something about disappointment, failure, loneliness, the "no way out" feeling, that just boxes you in, even though the expanse of the universe spreads out in front of you like one big open door. At that time, there was just no other way, no other choices. . . And God seemed so silent. . . as silent as the stars I was watching.

Yesterday, that same horrible feeling came over me as I had to face the fact that one more "crutch" I have been leaning on and trusting in to get me through these next few months won't be there at all. I felt that same silent, alone feeling as I did those years ago, sitting in that cow pasture!!!!

But you know, that same night, many years ago, the Lord in all of His infinite love and grace came along side of me on that stump in the pasture in a way I will never, ever forget. In my workshop a short ways away, I had a radio playing on a Christian station, and the song you are listening to now began to play. It was the first time I had heard it and listened as though God had sent a choir of angels to sing just for me! "HE IS FAITHFUL!"

I found my pathways through those times, and through many rough times since, and this song has become MY testimony of Who and What He is to ME! And I know He will be faithful through the next months of my life, too.

If, when I get to Heaven, and the Lord asks ME to sing a solo in my newly given, heavenly voice, something that would express how I felt about my life on earth, this would be the song I would choose. Please listen carefully to the words!

Then. . . .I wonder how many of you would step out of the throngs of Heaven and join in with me. . .. . would YOU?????

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Thankful Thursday - September 4, 2008

Iris over at Sting My Heart is hosting a wonderful "Thankful Thursday" and I just couldn't help but join in today with all the other wonderful people who have found so much to be thankful for. She had picked as her theme the following verse, and it just seemed so appropriate to what has been in my heart today, too.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: … a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted…”
~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

I've had so many "times" and "seasons" in my life. Sometimes it's a wonderful thing to reflect back and see the times of planting, the times of plucking, the times of things being born, and yes. . . even the times when loved ones, ideas and plans die. The sum of it all is . . . .ME! Who I am. Who I've become. The road I've traveled. What I've left behind. What I've picked up along the way. Who I've met. Who my friends are. Friends I've lost. What's important. What I've come to realize is not important at all.

Some of those seasons were wonderful --- I call them Springtime. Times when I looked forward to new places, new adventures. Some of those seasons were Summers of hot, toiling work, wondering if it was all worth it. Other seasons were Fall with harvest, colors, the fruit of labors (or realizing that it was all in vain). And then the season of Winter. . . .

I think Winter is where I am now. Cancer has a way of stripping you of all your outward defenses. No more plastic smiles and cheery phrases. No more looking strong and pretty. No more dress up to cover what's eating away at you. It's like the Lord has taken me like a seed and shoved me deep into the earth for the Winter season, and we're waiting to see what comes up in the Spring. No blooms right now. No song. No productive activity. No nest building. Just . . .Winter.

But even in the season of Winter there is hope, isn't there? The sun still shines, even on the darkest of days, and when I have no song, someone else has one to give me.

I wasn't very thankful yesterday. I whined a lot to God, my sister, my roommate and whoever else would listen. Yet, the Lord never said a harsh word to me, never put me down, and gently saw me through the day.

Today? In the midst of my "winter" season, I am so thankful for:

1. A new day to start over with more strength than yesterday.
2. A Dr. visit (that I almost cancelled!) with great news that the tumor has shrunk and the underarm cancer involvement is way down!!!!!
3. I lost 6 more pounds.
4. My sister who never gives up on me.
5. My neighbors who pray constantly for me.
6. My blogging friends who lift me up with encouragement and prayers.
7. And best of all for today. . . .

While walking into the Cancer Center today, my sister and I looked up and saw two eagles circling overhead! My all-time favorite bird, I think. I could not help at that moment but feel that I was rising up on wings of eagles, and that I WOULD walk and not be weary, and that I WOULD run and not faint!

The Lord sends encouragement just at the right time in the right way for each of us, doesn't He? Sometimes it's a phone call, sometimes it's a card, sometimes it's a slobbery, wet Buster kiss . . .and sometimes its a bird with a reminder that His promises are as good as His Word and will stand no matter what. . .even through the Winter seasons of our lives!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Daybook Entry for September 3, 2008


FOR TODAY (September 3, 2008)...

Outside My Window The sun is up, the birds ar at the feeder, and it looks like it will be a beautiful, warm, sunny day. The 8 wasps that had been so faithful to their nest building finally gave up after all their labors were dashed to the ground. . . again! The damp, smooth window pane proved not to be a good foundation after all. With all the rain and wind of the past week, it fell and they have not been back.

I am thinking. . . It's a good thing I did not do this post yesterday. Yesterday had to be the darkest of all days in my life, and the culmination of a week of chemo misery. I was so tired and weak, started the day with a terrible migraine headache, along with a thousand other petty, and what seems now insigificant whinings and complaints. But I felt I was never going back and would just go on to whatever end "nonchemo" would take me to. It was just too much for me. I couldn't stop the tears all day. I was beyond crabby. . .I was defeated.

I am thankful for... Another Day!!!! A good night's sleep. Sherbet. Buster kisses in the morning, forgiving me for yesterday.

From the kitchen... I feel like a bowl of hot cereal with raisins in it. Maybe Wheatena! Haven't had that in years and it sounds good with butter, brown sugar, cinnamon. . . .!.

I am wearing... Not dressed yet. A pink knit, soft nightie!

I am creating... Ideas on how to get through this day, and the rest of my life of chemo treatments! If each one is worse than the next, I'm not sure I can face any more of this. If there is a pill that will just let you sleep for 7 days, I need to find it!!!!

I am going... Nowhere. So far, I've made it to the porch to let Buster out. He sooooo does not understand! He thinks if he brings me all his toys that this will make me feel better. I say he doesn't understand, but there is this cute little wrinkle on his forehead and he sits there with me and lets me pet him -- something new since usually he runs 100 miles an hour and NEVER stops for anyone!

I am reading... Nothing! My eyes won't focus right now.

I am hoping... I can crawl out from under the this dark rock. I'm not the most bubbly, up, outwardly joyful person. Those who know me well would call me quiet, more on the "meloncholic" side of life. I was born that way and it's an even keel for me. So when I have a "dark" day, believe me, it's BLACK! If how I feel right now is any indicator of how the day is going to be, then that prayer is answered because I feel so much better!

I am hearing... Buster snoring under my feet. "Uncle Bob", my BIL, graciously came over last night and ran with Buster until both them caved in. Not sure who flopped first. But I do know Buster had a GOOD night's sleep and seems to want to continue!

Around the house...There is so much to do. But it will all have to wait a few more days. I will do some wash, though.

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week. . . Tomorrow is my "mid Chemo" Dr. appointment at the Cancer Center. I really don't want to go. Don't know what to tell him. I feel that all I do is whine and that the things that totally took me down a few days before sound like pettie, snibbling, whining complaints. But at the time, it's all I could do to find the bed and cover my head with the sheets and blankets and pray for the end of my life!!!!.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

Yesterday, while crying in my pillow and wishing I were dead, a little chorus to a hymn we used to sing in church years and years ago came to my mind. It would not leave me, and once again I realized it was not MY battle. It is only through HIS grace that we are victorious. Whatever your battle is today, and no matter how dark your day might be, or how far back in the race you have lapsed, God is with you, the victory is His, and He wraps you in the winner's flag of grace!

Not to the strong is the battle,
Not to the swift is the race,
But to the true and the faithful
Victory is promised through grace!


I'm so glad to be able to participate with the others in this Notebook entry. You can visit The Simple Woman's blog