Saturday, October 25, 2008

A Hard Week!

I'm really wondering about this whole chemo thing! In four days, I'm supposed to go back for chemo treatment #5, and right now, with the way I feel, I don't think it's possible. I have never been so tired and out of strength as I have been this week! I just can't do anything without feeling that I've been moving mountains. And this new thing with going totally breathless and gasping for air --- where's this coming from now???? This is a new "side affect" or whatever! Scarey, too! Seems like even taking a shower now is a great big event in my life, wondering if I'll drop to the floor.

After the last "attack" of breathlessness, I called the Dr. and he told me to go to the Emergency Room and get an EKG. It just seemed a little odd, as it had passed, I wasn't in any distress at the moment, breathing fine, etc. I know when I go on Wednesday, he will be totally irritated with me because I didn't go, slam my chart shut, and send me across the street to the hospital for the EKG. That's fine. I'll do that!

I really HATE this "sick, but not sick", tired, feeling lazy all the time. Can't go anywhere, feel crabby and cooped up, wondering if I carry the laundry basket will I keel over with a heart attack. I feel like "it's all about ME" constantly! My blog is going to pot because I can't think of one other thing to write about. I go nowhere, and when I talk to anyone, again, "it's all about ME!"

I made a decision!!!! Tomorrow, no matter how I feel, I'm getting in the car, going to Arby's, and bringing home a BIG sack of those delicious corned beef Rueben sandwiches and just pig out! I'm tired of Cream of Wheat, chicken noodle soup, pudding cups, etc. And if I live through that, I want a pizza! And Tuesday night before chemo day, I'm having the biggest, juciest steak I can find! It might be my last supper, but it's going to be a good one!!!!


Joyfulsister said...

I wrote this poem when I was going through some of the darkest times of my treatments. I know the Lord also hears your soul cries Cora.

Soul Cries...

Trying to make sense of it
Wanting to fight than quit.
Going from laughter to tears. Going from courage to fear. How did I end up here.

I ask the questions why
Needing an answer to justify. Because I did not sign up for this. And who put me on this list. Is this real is this legit.

Deep within my soul cries.
Stay strong or your spirit dies. My mind tries to comprehend. My heart just does not understand. So what is the plan.

Then hope arises from within. With strong fluttering wings.
His spirit inside me starts to soar. I feel his strength more and more.

It's okay the spirit says to me. Life is full of questions you see. I know it's hard to understand.
My perfect will for you and plans.

Your not alone but in my hands.I hear your soul cries.

© 2007 Lorie Yocum

(((hugs and Prayers)))

Claudia said...

The only words of wisdom I have (and they're not all that wise anymore) is to listen to your doctor and just do everything he tells you to do, even if you don't believe him. I didn't believe half of what everyone told me to do during my treatments and yet now I realize that they were right all the way through. It IS hard. There isn't much else to think about because you're walking on broken glass right now with your bare feet and all you can feel is the pain.

I'm praying for you and I know you'll come through this. You'll be changed, but you will come through this. And then you can help someone else get through theirs.


Lulu said...

Enjoy those sandwiches, they are delich..
Be strong and dont give in...
Iam keeping you in my prayers..

Ruthie said...

Hang in there, dear Cora.
Could you ask the Dr. if having some oxygen on hand would help when you feel so breathless? I don't know if that would help - but worth asking.
I was glad to read the posts from those who have been through it - they totally understand. And when you are going through something like this, as a nurse, I know it is normal to be totally focused on yourself, so don't be mad at yourself.
Hugs to you.

Linda said...

I agree! It's OK it's all about you. YOu are fighting a pretty big battle and that is where you should focus - YOU!! We understand and come here to see YOU!! Enjoy those goodies! I'd do the same thing!! lots of hugs, Linda

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

I know it must be so difficult for you to focus on yourself because you are usually all about everyone else. I've seen you care for everyone in our little group ~ Always offering your wisdom and love.

Now it is time to give yourself permission to just let it be all about you. Because it is! And thats okay. You're in a battle right now. Any good warrior knows that in the heat of battle you just have to focus on the next thing. Guess who I learned that from? Yes, you!

You just keep posting and talking about you and saying whatever it is that helps you take that one more step toward wellness. I'm hear listening and praying and loving you. And I never mind reading your heart and sharing your burden though inadequate as that may be.

I hope you enjoy every good yummy thing this weekend.

Thinking of you with much care,

ByLightOfMoon said...

Cora my dear friend,

When you care for others, it is hard to put yourself first, but you deserve to! Please do get the EKG at DR request and it is so good to VENT as you do here. It lets it out!

You have wonderful friends here and Lorie's Poem is awesome. I know you can also right poems, Let the hand wander if you may. I can hear you with guitar in hand, make music. SMiles, cyndi

Patty H. said...

{{{Cora}}} as I've been recovering from surgery I've been thinking about you and all the others in the world that are going thru something like this or worse. Hang in there, praying for you.

Sue@CountryPleasures said...

Oh Cora, I hope you get your Arbys, pizza and steak, it may not taste as good as you remember, but it's something to fight for and that is the main thing! You are such a caring woman, to share your battle, you are indeed a strong lady who will continue to fight this, and you will survive! Hugs!

Shabby Olde Potting Shed said...

Don't you worry at all about the me thing... you just keep writing... and sharing your feelings. Everyone out here just LOVES YA SO MUCH!
We are here for you, and anything you feel like sharing is good. You are going through so much and I can only imagine the weakness you speak of. My Mom was that way too and she would actually fall down. Just remember...
fall 7 times
stand up 8
I love you!
smoochy holy kiss!

Toni said...

I`m so sorry your having a hard time.Dont feel like all your doing is talking about yourself. I`m glad you are being open and honest about all youir going through because now we all know how to pray for you.You are bringing such great glory to God by blogging aboit what your going through too! He`s given you such strength and perserverence!I`ll be praying for you! Love and blessings,Toni

Nicole said...


I just left a really long message my dear friend and it didn't save. So, I just wanted to tell you I was here...that I love you and so does He! I am praying for you this night.

Please remember that some things in life get worse before they get better. I do believe this is the case with this ugly thing called cancer that your body is fighting. Keep that in mind my dear friend. Please also know that it's okay for this time to be about you. God wants you to himself and wants to love on you like crazy.

Please also know that many months ago when we became friends you left a comment on my blog that REALLY encouraged me in my faith. God is using you my friend during this time! Please know that in your heart.

Loving you from afar,

Katy said...

I am so sorry this is so difficult Cora :(. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. I wish I could be comforting or encouraging...but sometimes, I don't know what words will help. Please know that I am still praying for you and think of you often. I pray that one day soon, you will have a post declaring chemo is DONE and the cancer is GONE! Hallelujah! You better believe your blog friends will be totally rejoicing with you! xoxo

Kay @ The Rustic Cottage said...

Cora - please go get the EKG. You don't know what the chemo could be causing and you need to be looked at. Don't wait until your next treatment. Just do what the doctor asks you to do.

Dena said...

Coming to visit you via another blog. Just dropping by to let you know that I am praying for you. Many blessings~

naomisnotions said...

You know, right now, this is about YOU! Don't feel bad about it at all! I love hearing the "good" and the "bad". But please do take care of your self, and listen to your Dr.

We all love you lots!!!


oldetymemarketplace said...

Hello Cora,
I know we don't know each other but I sure hope you are feeling better today. Faith will see you through this. I remember that when my grandpa was going through chemo all he wanted was Long John Silvers fish dinner and oranges!
Keep strong, believe, have courage,
Beth S.

Shanda said...

Let me tell you something sweet sister. Your blog is beutiful and so are you. You are tired because you are moving mountsins right now. You don't need to do another thing besides rest and get well. Just lay around and watch tv and rest when you need to. I do hope you get to eat some good tasting food. Go enjoy yourself and keep using your blog to vent and keep us tuned into you. We are here for you.

Rengin Yazitas said...

Hi Cora,
I've reached to your blog through Candy's.
I understand you so well, I know how it is hard to handle all those hardships during the chemos and radios.
Please be patient, just look ahead with your faith. I believe that you'll be a winner like me!
I send you lots of positive healing enery. I keep you in my prayers.
Rengin, in Istanbul