Thursday, October 30, 2008

An Extra Week!

Yesterday, I was supposed to get my 5th round of chemo. I've had such a hard time the past week or so, and I really wondered if I would make it through another session!
I kept getting so short of breath, and I seemed to go down hill instead of getting better as the days went by.

I told the Dr. how I felt, and surprisingly, he took me seriously! I got an extra week off. I felt like a kid who got an extension on her term paper because the dog ate it!

He did examine the tumor site, dug into my armpits again, and the word he used was "Amazing!" He felt nothing there at all. He also gave me some options: Quit all together (NOT an option for ME), take a week off, or stop the chemo and go see the surgeon and see if he would do the mastectomy now. I have a week to consider the last two options. I'll see how I feel next Wednesday morning.

It's strange how my emotions play games with me. As much as I HATE this chemo journey and as hard as it has been, and even though I have said I'm NOT going back for another one ----------- all the Dr. had to say was, "I would rather you get more chemo!" and it was like a panic came over me ---- what would happen if I DIDN'T get more???? Would it come back again later because I chose NOT to have #5?????? It's stange how you don't want it, but you DO!

I HATE the waiting room! It seems that every time I go there, someone has a story that just replays over and over in my mind. Yesterday, a older lady (that is, older than ME) was sitting by me, and asked if I was there for chemo and how many I had had already. I told her I was having a hard time with it and about the breathing, etc., and she said that she had had that, too, and it was just anxiety attacks and panic, etc. I tried to analyze myself quickly to find an answer, and didn't think I had been anxious or panicked about anything when this happened. Can a shower really cause a panic attack????? Then she said that she had been given two years to live, but now was in her 10th year since her Breast Cancer and was there for a check up, etc. When I told her what stage my cancer was, she just said, "Well, good luck to you!" It was the tone of voice that stuck with me and made me feel like she thought I wouldn't make it! I just said, thank you!

But then, across from me, sat a man who looked so miserable --- more miserable than I felt, for sure. His wife was "Mrs. Cheerful" --- talked with everyone and very bubbly! I had met her before and she asked how I was doing, etc., etc. As the conversation went on, I asked about her husband, and she said that this was his 17th chemo and he would be on it the rest of his life! Suddenly, my problems seems VERY small in comparison. I don't know what type of chemo he was getting or the dosage, but I KNEW I would NEVER live through that on what I was getting! He didn't look so good himself and wondered what he was thinking about it all, but he said nothing. I don't think I'll ever forget his face, nor the face of the 10 year survivor who offered me little hope! In fact, during the night that seemed to bring no sleep at all, I thought about both of them and prayed that the Lord would be with them as they journeyed through this horrible thing called Cancer!

No, I never got my Reubens! But I did get my steak, and tonight I get my pizza. And I've had this horrible craving for ----- of all things ----- hot dogs! I was so humiliated yesterday when they weighed me! After losing 7 pounds the last time I was there, that stinking scale shot up, and I had gained 10 back!!!!! Now, you tell me, how in the world can you gain 10 pounds on Cream of Wheat cereal and Chicken Noodle soup?????


Patty H. said...

Praying for you this week.

Jan and Tom's Place said...

Cora, we're still praying for you, sweetie.


Linda said...

I am happy you got a bit of a break and hopefully a little of your strength will come back to make you ready for the course you choose next. Just a thought but could this be water weight? I always battle the scale so I am hoping for you it is something as simple as that. If only that were my excuse! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers dear Cora, hugs, Linda

Julie said...

It's so hard to hear cancer stories--my own Dad has one. He is a trooper like you though, and we love him and pray for him. Praying for you, too. Julie

Deb said...

Hang in there, the Lord has strength for it all. Luv ya girl!Deb

Nicole said...

so glad you have a week off!!! Yah! enjoy!


Renna said...

Cora, just keep standing on God's Word which tells you faith is the evidence of things hoped for, not seen. I think "not heard" could be calculated into that, too. In other words, don't let what your eyes see or your ears hear tell you what your end result will be. Let unwavering belief in God's Word determine what your outcome will be!

Could the weight gain have been water retention, perhaps?

Shabby Olde Potting Shed said...

Hey Cora!!
I'm so happy you get to have an extra week off! Bet that will really get some strength built back up!!
Pizza tonight? WHAT TIMES' DINNER. LOL ~I could bring the chips n dip? Oh yea, and white chocolate macadamia nut cookies. ;)
How awesome that the doc keeps saying AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nancy @ Homemade Blessings said...

Cora, I'm so glad that the dr. is giving you a break this week. I pray that you will regain some strength before the next treatment.

I wanted to let you know that I have given you an award at my site. Stop by and read all about it!


LindaSueBuhl said...

SO glad you got a much needed break- and about the cancer stories - each person is SO different and nobody should measure their potential for survival with someone else's. I agree with the diagnosis your consulting bloggers have made - water weight! Enjoy your food and do not worry about weight - will pray for your decision about whether to continue or go for the surgery. Bless you gal! Keep hanging in there

Kay @ The Rustic Cottage said...

Cora - it is good to "hear" the optimism in your voice again. God is working miracles and He will guide you in the right decision regarding what to do. A week off from the chemo is a good thing for you. I hope your breathing is better. Enjoy the pizza!!


Dani said...

So happy you are hanging in there and got a break...steak sounds very good too...we are all praying for a speedy recovery

papel1 said...

I think a week off is just what you need, a rest. I am learning a lot from your cancer experiences yours, and others in the waiting room. You're in my thoughts.

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Sis..
I am so glad to hear you got a much needed break. You hang in there and pray and continue to ask the Lord for wisdom on what you should do by Wednesday. I normally feel a peace within me when I have decided on something important. I wrote a poem and I wanted to share it with you called: I Cried Last night.. Come over when you get a chance.

Luv ya Lorie

Kath said...

You're in my prayers...
God is soooo good-and His miracles are plenty!! He's given ya this strength...and will continue to do so.........
I am glad you got a break from your treatments...
I will keep ya in my thoughts and prayers.....

BIG hugs-Kath

*Linda Pinda* said...

I'm so glad they gave you a break this week.

You silly goose.... It's not the steak sandwich that made the scale shoot up.... It's all those millions of prayers you're carrying around with you!!! Don't you know you take us all with you everywhere you go?!?!?!

It's not "pounds" it's your "prayer posse"!!!!!

Love, Hugs, and Prayers... *Linda*

Nancy McCarroll - Arts, Crafts and Favorites said...

sorry to hear what you are going through. I did all this five years ago and had a double mastectomy, radiation, chemo, reconstruction, etc. I am making Knitted Knockers now. I wrote about these in my blog this month. If you want me to knit you one or two, just drop me a line and I will surely do that! Keep your chin up and God blesss you. Nancy

Lori said...

Cora, I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this..healing prayers going out to you..

Raquel said...

Hang in there, sometimes we all need a break for a bit! Run this race with patience - remember the reward waiting for they that endure to the end. Much love, Raquel XO