Honesty!

Sometimes it is so hard to sit down here in front of the computer and be REALLY really honest about my feelings, my dreams (if there are any left at all), aches and pains, etc. I start typing away, and it seems those parts just don't come out. They seem so protected and secure in a locked room somewhere in my heart, knowing that unless they are first filtered through some sugar coated chocolate icing, they are not allowed to "hit the streets." It's not that I intentionally do this. Are we not all taught from day one of our lives to always answer the question, "How are you doing?" with "Fine! Thank you for asking! And how about yourself?" as we smile and reach out our hand for a hand shake or give a nice warm hug? Doesn't matter that in your heart you are carrying a burden bigger than the size of a dump truck, or that someone sunk a dagger in your heart that is still hanging in there, or that you just found out that you have breast cancer and your chances of making it through with some kind of sane normalcy left in your life are probably 50/50.

I'm not saying I haven't been honest here concerning my journey with breast cancer. In fact, I'm only just beginning this journey. But I'm already I'm finding I want to leave out the "Incredible Hulk" parts, not mention the wanting to give up -- to say nothing of all the whining, snibbling complaints that just seem to go on day after day after endless day. I, MYSELF, am tired of hearing my own thoughts complain about them, no less wonder what anyone around me thinks of it all!

You are wondering by now where all this yuk is coming from!

I found this blogger who also went through the breast cancer curse and who wrote an open letter to Deena from Can I Be Pretty in Pink. I read her letter twice now, and couldn't help but feel empowered by her courage to just be honest and open as she faces the end results of this long journey through. Some people believe you go through all this chemo, radiation, surgery, and who knows what else and come out the other end an pick up where life left you off a few years back. Not so! All these treatments are so hard on your body. I was warned of that when I started -- that these chemo treatments would be VERY hard on me. And when you are feeling like road kill, hit for the fourth time and left lying for days trying to find out if you still have all the vital pieces of your body, you wonder if ANY of you will still be normal when all is said and done!

I decided at the beginning of all this that, with God's help, I would be as honest as I could be. One thing I do have to say that I know for sure, He has been there for me. I've gone back today and reread all my posts since the beginning, and I don't think I have embellished or been dishonest. But I do feel, after reading this open letter to Deena, that I wish I had more spunk in me and more spouts that would allow some of that. .. . . whatever it is . . . .to come pouring out, too. It seems that I let the bad days go by, go through all the "yuk" and crap, and loneliness, and wondering if God is there, etc., etc., and then, AFTER THE FACT, write my blog with the happier ending of victory, and never write DURING the battle! I can't say I have felt disappointment, fear, or even anger . . . . . yet! Failure???? Yes! Maybe that is one that I have not been honest about! Failure because there are a million things that are expected of me that I just can't seem to do. I can't even throw Buster's ball for him when he drops it in my lap --- my arms are just getting too weak! Ok, I know you are going to tell me that THIS particular job is NOT expected of me right now. Doesn't change the feeling, though.

This turned into a rambling of a post, didn't it. And all I wanted was for you to go read this open, frank, and honest letter from a gal who finished it all, and just wants people to know that "this is the way it is!"

Click Here To Visit Amy's Post About Breast Cancer