Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Sometimes it is so hard to sit down here in front of the computer and be REALLY really honest about my feelings, my dreams (if there are any left at all), aches and pains, etc. I start typing away, and it seems those parts just don't come out. They seem so protected and secure in a locked room somewhere in my heart, knowing that unless they are first filtered through some sugar coated chocolate icing, they are not allowed to "hit the streets." It's not that I intentionally do this. Are we not all taught from day one of our lives to always answer the question, "How are you doing?" with "Fine! Thank you for asking! And how about yourself?" as we smile and reach out our hand for a hand shake or give a nice warm hug? Doesn't matter that in your heart you are carrying a burden bigger than the size of a dump truck, or that someone sunk a dagger in your heart that is still hanging in there, or that you just found out that you have breast cancer and your chances of making it through with some kind of sane normalcy left in your life are probably 50/50.

I'm not saying I haven't been honest here concerning my journey with breast cancer. In fact, I'm only just beginning this journey. But I'm already I'm finding I want to leave out the "Incredible Hulk" parts, not mention the wanting to give up -- to say nothing of all the whining, snibbling complaints that just seem to go on day after day after endless day. I, MYSELF, am tired of hearing my own thoughts complain about them, no less wonder what anyone around me thinks of it all!

You are wondering by now where all this yuk is coming from!

I found this blogger who also went through the breast cancer curse and who wrote an open letter to Deena from Can I Be Pretty in Pink. I read her letter twice now, and couldn't help but feel empowered by her courage to just be honest and open as she faces the end results of this long journey through. Some people believe you go through all this chemo, radiation, surgery, and who knows what else and come out the other end an pick up where life left you off a few years back. Not so! All these treatments are so hard on your body. I was warned of that when I started -- that these chemo treatments would be VERY hard on me. And when you are feeling like road kill, hit for the fourth time and left lying for days trying to find out if you still have all the vital pieces of your body, you wonder if ANY of you will still be normal when all is said and done!

I decided at the beginning of all this that, with God's help, I would be as honest as I could be. One thing I do have to say that I know for sure, He has been there for me. I've gone back today and reread all my posts since the beginning, and I don't think I have embellished or been dishonest. But I do feel, after reading this open letter to Deena, that I wish I had more spunk in me and more spouts that would allow some of that. .. . . whatever it is . . . .to come pouring out, too. It seems that I let the bad days go by, go through all the "yuk" and crap, and loneliness, and wondering if God is there, etc., etc., and then, AFTER THE FACT, write my blog with the happier ending of victory, and never write DURING the battle! I can't say I have felt disappointment, fear, or even anger . . . . . yet! Failure???? Yes! Maybe that is one that I have not been honest about! Failure because there are a million things that are expected of me that I just can't seem to do. I can't even throw Buster's ball for him when he drops it in my lap --- my arms are just getting too weak! Ok, I know you are going to tell me that THIS particular job is NOT expected of me right now. Doesn't change the feeling, though.

This turned into a rambling of a post, didn't it. And all I wanted was for you to go read this open, frank, and honest letter from a gal who finished it all, and just wants people to know that "this is the way it is!"

Click Here To Visit Amy's Post About Breast Cancer


SweetAnnee said...

love you dear

Renna said...

Cora, we want you to be as honest as you feel like being. I can imagine that on the days you're feeling the worst, it's likely too much effort to even type it all out, then naturally by the time you're feeling somewhat better, you don't see the need to go back and share that.

All I'm saying is, whatever you share with us, good or bad, hopeless feelings or hopeful ones, we're here as your sounding board. This is your blog, and you have the freedom, and I don't think there's a single one of your regular readers who'd be chased off by anything you said or didn't say. We sit by helpless to help you, but we pray, and that is the most powerful thing any of us can do.

I don't know you in person, but God has placed such a love for you in my heart, His love; and I imagine that's true of most all of us who comment here.

(((gentle hug)))

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

Through the smiles and the tears ~ love you, Cora.


Aliene said...

Cora, Just want you to know that I am still checking your blog. I know that you will have to work throu this day by day. But if you want to sound off on your blog, just let us be here to listen. We are still praying for you. Love you and wish I could put my arms around you right now.

Linda said...

First off - please do feel free to spout off when you need to. It is not up to us to tell you how or what you should or shouldn't feel. We are here for you no matter what!

I know several woman who could have written that letter. It's something we all need to know because we all personally know someone who has or will go through this.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, hugs, Linda

Julie said...

I've always told my girls--"Honesty is the best policy"--I love your candor, humor, and sincerity. God speed to you. Julie

FourSistersInACottage said...

Okay Cora,
You left ME CRYING!!!
Hang in there girlfriend, I think there needs to be MORE SUPPORT for those AFTER CANCER because no one understand that YES, we FEEL LIKE ROAD KILL after days of sitting in the street. (I might have to steal that one from you....LOL)
Love your blog and Love You Deena for telling me about Ms. Cora....
Hey, I'm half DUTCH.....VanHal (hows that for ya)
Hugs and Love, Amy (Mom to the Four Sisters and still fighting the AFTER EFFECTS of CANCER)

Wanita said...

Just wanted you to know I continue to pray for you, dear Cora.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you are having to go through this battle. My thoughts and prayers have been with you before and they will be with you again.

Love, Debbi

Debra said...

Dear Cora,
Don't give up, don't give up- there's nothing you could say that would keep any of us away from you. Be real and let it out in a blog shout. This all stinks-I hate it that people are sick and hurting.
Somewhere through all this God is carrying you and you WILL get through it. One step at a time...
I know I'm rambling here, and I can't say I know how you feel even, so maybe my words don't mean so much, but I do KNOW that God is hearing our prayers for you, and we will not stop praying. I want to know how you are, because I can pray for exact things in your life.
Sorry this is so long, you can delete it if you want...
Love, Debra

Judy's Vintage Collections said...

Dear Cora, I have been checking in on you..I know cancer is a battle..I went through it with my mom, dad, and then my husband never give up and I do understand your feeling on the husband did chemo three different times and some were everyday for weeks..You will get better! I am still requesting prayers for you, Deena and others fighting this battle...My shield of faith is held high for you! Love you girl and be safe in Jesus!

Lisa said...

Thanks for sharing. I never have liked the obligatory "fine" response to "How are you?". It rarely is honest. Sometimes I don't feel like such a wimp if I hear that someone else admits to having a hard time. Thanks for your honesty.

Kay @ The Rustic Cottage said...

I love you! You have a right to be honest - share away.

CathyJean said...

Dear Cora,
I' sorry I haven't been here to visit for a while. (Things changing for me ~ some good and some not)
I am praying for you!

*Linda Pinda* said...

That is a wonderful post. Thanks for linking to it. So many times I've felt that brutal honesty would help people far more than sugar coating things to make them "more bearable".

LOL... I remember after 6 weeks of learning to breast feed with my Hannah, wanting to scream... "Why didn't anyone write about this"??? I had to bite on towels, tears flowing, nipples cracked and bleeding, unimaginable pain shooting EVERYWHERE every time her baby lips touched me...

But all the books said "if you are having pain, you are doing something wrong". #%*&!!!!!!!!!! You know me... by the book, follow the rules... ask the doctor... IT WAS NOT ME!!!

I decided then and there to write the book "Nursing Sucks". LOL! No. I still haven't. But I thought of how one solid book on all the good, bad, and ugly would help more women maintain their self esteem so much more than all the picture perfect ones. We got through it and got to the good parts, but it wasn't easy for us.

It is good for others going through your situation to know about the bad days too. HECK! It's good for all of us to hear it!!!

There have been days with my arthritis when I have thought "I know why people commit suicide". There are days when it would be easier to just "let go".

But I thank God that He is with me even in those dark moments and brings me through to the days when I treasure each and every moment of life and all it's ups and downs.

All sugar coated lives do is create sap. Truth sets us free. Even ugly truths empower us, and help us to know we are not alone in our sufferings.

But you know what... If you are feeling too sick in your ugly moments to post about them... that's ok too. You don't owe anybody anything.

We all love you so much and would do anything to keep you from all of this.

Hugs & Prayers... *Linda*

Cookie said...

Still praying for you! Check out my latest post!! It'll WILL speak to you I'm sure. You will be the prettiest piece of silver!

Linda said...

Dear Cora..

I certainly admire your honesty! And you know what.. telling these things is not scaring away readers at all, in fact I think more can perhaps relate or at least admire the courage to show you're 'only human' too, with all human feelings that come with it! ;)

Hang in there.. I'm sure the end will come into perspective very soon!

Greetings from the netherlands!

p.s. remember how I wrote about a parcel coming your way? Well.. it returned. It took 'the post' over a month to figure out there was something wrong with the postage. Well, it's on its way now, and hopefully will arrive within a few days.... :S

Joyfulsister said...

There are times when words cannot express telling you how much I really do care and all I can give you right now is a (((hugz))) my friendship, and prayers.
Hey Sis.
Please come over when *U* can I have 2 awards for *U*.

Hugz Lorie

Farm Chick Paula said...

Cora- I think it would be wonderful for you to always share your heart with us... we will love you no matter what... and sometimes "spouting" may make you feel a little better- if not physically then maybe mentally.

And the road kill part was a wonderful (albeit gross) analogy... LOL
Please just always know I'm praying for you!!

mrsmorris said...

Dear Cora,

I am a friend of Kay's over at The Rustic Cottage, and have been reading about your journey through this very deep valley. My heart breaks when you talk about how cold and callous your doctor is. How he views you as a case, not as a person. I would like to twitch my nose and magically transport myself to where you are, so I could have a little talk with Dr. Detached on your behalf.

I have been undergoing treatment from a variety of doctors. Last month I had surgery on my breast to remove a large cyst. All of this as a result of a very traumatic car accident which occurred in August 2006. I have always prayed for the Lord to lead me to Christian doctors, people who know who the REAL healer is.

Have you heard the old joke: what's the difference between God and a surgeon? God doesn't think He's a surgeon.

I have been incredibly blessed to have been treated by kind and caring providers, with the exception of one neurosurgeon and the paralegal at my attorney's office. With both of these people it was necessary for me to let them know the following:

I'm a person, not a case. You may deal with situations like mine on a daily basis, but cars do not fly through the air and land on my car every day. Everyone handles pain and stress and illness differently. Just because you may be able to suck it up and move on, or not dwell on the problem - doesn't mean everyone else can also. When you dismiss my concerns and treat me like another head of cattle on the drive, it hurts me deeply. I'm already hurting, aren't you supposed to be on my side?

The neurosurgeon, I never went back to. And the paralegal, wow, she did a complete about face and is treating me the way I deserve to be treated. Sometimes people simply need to be reminded. And sometimes people are just jerks, plain and simple. But for the person who is scared and hurting and just seeking a little compassion, the act of standing up and saying "Hey, I matter! God loves me as much as He loves you. I deserve to be treated with respect" is incredibly empowering and healing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers (and so is your doctor).



Toby Parsons said...

Big hugs Cora and thank you for your candor. Much love and many prayers.

Tom and Cindy said...

A very inspiring blog.
Thanks for sharing a part of yourself.


Valley Primitives Gift Shoppe said...

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In Him,