I feel like I will only be scaring anyone else who might have to go through this, or sound like a whimmpy, whinning, snibbling idiot who can't take a few days of not feeling good.
BUT. . . .this has just been the worst for me. Ever since last Friday, I've spent most of my time in bed with barely enough strength to get to the bathroom, and when there. . .you don't want to know that agonizing tale!
This chemo session was the worst, and what made it even more irritating was "Mr. Weed Wacker" who was in the waiting room of the Dr. yesterday who is just about done with his chemo, mows 3 acres of lawn, plays golf, Weed Wacks for himself and his neighbors and is just doing great. It was all I could do to crawl in that office on all fours and sign in!!!!! And the Dr. is no help. He seems to have the "bigger picture" always in front of him. I only see little peep holes. He sees that whatever "near death" experience I might have, if I didn't die, it justified the good end result. So all my whining, snibbling, crabby complaints of stomach, aching muscles, racing pounding heart, rotten taste, burning pee, cramps, sore boob, etc., etc., etc., etc., seemed to fall on a face that radiated back a look that said, "Yeah, but, isn't it worth it that it's killing the cancer??????" I wanted to say, NO!
I came home crabby, tired, and wishing for more sympathy than I got from him, but happy that things are still looking good. He said he could feel nothing under my armpit and that the "hole" was looking even better. I know how thankful I should be for this when there are so many patients who find NO treatment that works. But when you feel this miserable. . . . . all you can do is say, "LORD, PLEEEEEEASE give me a thankful heart!"
I turned into the Incredible Hulk after that. My poor roommate, Patsy, said one thing to me and it started. My heart was pounding soooooo hard, I lost my breath, and I lit into her like I've never done! I don't lose my temper ----- it brews and boils and steams and simmers for years sometimes, but the lid never goes. It did yesterday, and I saw green, and I knew I was in trouble!
The Dr. is taking me off the steroids for the next two treatments. I'm hoping this will help with the dark days, the emotional roller coaster, etc.
You know, sometimes it's a good thing that we are not shown in advance what what is around the next bend. We would never take those footsteps forward. I don't think I would have gone for this chemo if I had known I would end up exploding and feeling this miserable. I also found some very nasty stuff still buried in my heart that needed dealing with, too!
But you know what???? God promises us a new day, a new beginning, a clean slate, a forgiven heart, and a chance to try again. And here it is for me. So far, I feel a little better, ate a little more, walked to my Sister's house and back, and I'm still ok.
Poor Buster! Even HE bore the brunt of my Incredible Hulk act yesterday and got wacked on the rear with a slipper! I felt so guilty when he kissed me later, forgiving me before I even asked for it!
When my head was buried in my pillow, I was so aware of all of you praying for me, and I so much appreciate that, believe me. I just don't know if I would have made it even this far without all of you there cheering me on! THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!