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Friday, October 17, 2008

Horrible, is all I can say!

I HATE posting when I'm feeling rotten, down, depressed, and . . . . .like road kill!



I feel like I will only be scaring anyone else who might have to go through this, or sound like a whimmpy, whinning, snibbling idiot who can't take a few days of not feeling good.

BUT. . . .this has just been the worst for me. Ever since last Friday, I've spent most of my time in bed with barely enough strength to get to the bathroom, and when there. . .you don't want to know that agonizing tale!

This chemo session was the worst, and what made it even more irritating was "Mr. Weed Wacker" who was in the waiting room of the Dr. yesterday who is just about done with his chemo, mows 3 acres of lawn, plays golf, Weed Wacks for himself and his neighbors and is just doing great. It was all I could do to crawl in that office on all fours and sign in!!!!! And the Dr. is no help. He seems to have the "bigger picture" always in front of him. I only see little peep holes. He sees that whatever "near death" experience I might have, if I didn't die, it justified the good end result. So all my whining, snibbling, crabby complaints of stomach, aching muscles, racing pounding heart, rotten taste, burning pee, cramps, sore boob, etc., etc., etc., etc., seemed to fall on a face that radiated back a look that said, "Yeah, but, isn't it worth it that it's killing the cancer??????" I wanted to say, NO!

I came home crabby, tired, and wishing for more sympathy than I got from him, but happy that things are still looking good. He said he could feel nothing under my armpit and that the "hole" was looking even better. I know how thankful I should be for this when there are so many patients who find NO treatment that works. But when you feel this miserable. . . . . all you can do is say, "LORD, PLEEEEEEASE give me a thankful heart!"

I turned into the Incredible Hulk after that. My poor roommate, Patsy, said one thing to me and it started. My heart was pounding soooooo hard, I lost my breath, and I lit into her like I've never done! I don't lose my temper ----- it brews and boils and steams and simmers for years sometimes, but the lid never goes. It did yesterday, and I saw green, and I knew I was in trouble!

The Dr. is taking me off the steroids for the next two treatments. I'm hoping this will help with the dark days, the emotional roller coaster, etc.

You know, sometimes it's a good thing that we are not shown in advance what what is around the next bend. We would never take those footsteps forward. I don't think I would have gone for this chemo if I had known I would end up exploding and feeling this miserable. I also found some very nasty stuff still buried in my heart that needed dealing with, too!

But you know what???? God promises us a new day, a new beginning, a clean slate, a forgiven heart, and a chance to try again. And here it is for me. So far, I feel a little better, ate a little more, walked to my Sister's house and back, and I'm still ok.

Poor Buster! Even HE bore the brunt of my Incredible Hulk act yesterday and got wacked on the rear with a slipper! I felt so guilty when he kissed me later, forgiving me before I even asked for it!

When my head was buried in my pillow, I was so aware of all of you praying for me, and I so much appreciate that, believe me. I just don't know if I would have made it even this far without all of you there cheering me on! THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

24 comments:

Jan and Tom's Place said...

Dear sweet Cora...

I don't know that I could do what you're doing...going through that nasty chemo. You're stronger than you know. I'm sure those around you understand that it's NOT you who becomes the Incredible Hulk...but the medications.

We're still praying for you...especially on Tuesdays on our weekly post, Come to Jesus and Pray.

Blessings,
Jan

stacylambert said...

I am so sorry to hear how miserable you feel. You have made me appreciate how I feel, because I thought I felt bad until I read your blog. I want to say things like "hang in there" or "things will get better", but I don't think you want to hear that right now. Just know I'm praying for you and am on your side. This too shall pass. ooops I did it. Sorry, with all of my love and support.

your friend,
Stacy

Linda said...

hO dear Cora - God bless you! You are really getting the full brunt of the side effects. I am so sorry. A lot of the mom's of my little chemo buddies talk about the Chemo Rage the kiddo's go through while on the "roids". They can't help it so go easy on yourself because I am sure it was the steroids. Forgive yourself because you are doing the best you can and fighting a bigger battle than most of us will ever face. I am not a violent person, but I'd like to smack that Dr and ask him if it was worth the pain! LOL he could use a lesson in compassion that is for sure.

I hope the weekend looks up for you and you have some moments of pure joy! Hugs, Linda

Maryjane - The Beehive Cottage said...

Hello Sweet Cora!

I am soooo sorry you are having such a rotten time with it all! There are many of us that wish we lived close to you, just to be with ya in person. Please know you have always been in my thoughts and prayers and I think of you often!!! I have a friend that just found out she has breast cancer. Bless her heart to.

Hugs,
Maryjane Lee

papel1 said...

Wish you felt better but someday the treatments will end. I am sure everyone understands your emotions etc. Hang in there.
Judy

Kay @ The Rustic Cottage said...

Cora - I am so sorry for all you're going through. I am continuing to pray. You tell that Doctor what you need and don't let him dismiss you! What you are feeling is real and he should be sympathetic to that. I don't know what else to say except that I love you.

Ruthie said...

Cora, Hang in there! I pray that you will feel our prayers and know that God's loving arms are around you during these down times - and always.
Gentle hugs to you.

Nicole said...

Oh sweet Cora,

I am so glad that you are able to blog about this experience so others can love on you during this time! I am sooooo sorry to hear about this last chemo treatments side effects!!! You are so loved and prayed for by me and so many others! Keep truckin my friend because you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!!!

Love,
Nicole

Deb said...

Hi Cora! I'm so sorry that this was the worst but, I am so happy that everything else is looking good. Through it all you sure tell your story well. The Incredible Hulk? LOL!!!! I love ya girl! Deb

Lea of Farmhouse Blessings said...

Dear friend,
I just want to give you a big hug right now. I'm so sorry that you're hurting and frustrated. My heart hurts for you. Just know I'll keep praying until you are feeling better and back to your ole' sweet self!

Lots of love,
Lea

Joyfulsister said...

Hi Sis..
(((Hugz))).. This is a moment when I really wish I lived near by and could visit with you. I read this and I can't help but tears fill my eyes because I know how rough chemo can be. The mood swings, the feeling of sometimes being out of control, and beating yourself up because you know that is not who you really are. Just remember it's the side effects of the treatments and not you. On top of the treatments you have to deal with fevers, chills, and other medical issues and it is not an easy road to travel on.I don't know if you realize how much strength you really have. I read this post and see where at times it could be so easy for you to just put your hands up in the air and say forget this..but at the end of your posts I always see the words of hope that keep you fighting as you continue up the mountain top.I was just watching a health report that did a study on people going through life threatening illnesses and how writing about their journey helped the body to heal faster, even those with Cancer. Those who did not write had a slower healing time. So keep writing and we will keep walking beside you in spirit and in prayer.

Luv ya Lorie

This Country Girl said...

Cora,

I've had you on my mind lately and now I see why! Girl, steroids will make you feel and do terrible things...I can't even imagine the dosages you have probably had because I get so weepy and irritable with just a sinus cocktail shot with steroids! Bless your heart! I'm glad I came over here because I will make it a point to continually lift you up in prayer.

Tammy

ga.farmwoman said...

Hi Cora,
I hope today is a better day for you.
Feel what you need to feel and let it out. I just know it will be better soon.
Good thoughts and prayers coming your way from Georgia.
Hang in there.
Pam

PianoPlayer said...

Hey, Friend.
You are normal. Your reaction is normal. The ickiness you feel, the lack of energy, and all the other symptoms are normal.
Keep at it until you're all better. I still want that cup - no, pot - of coffee, just like in the "old days" before you got sick.
Cheryl

Wilma said...

Dear Cora,
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know how you are feeling. WHen I had my cancer last year I had good days and bad days and some really crappy days. I even thought the same things that I may discourage people from doing the treatments. I read somehwere in one of your blogs that you are taking neulasta shot. I tried that and it really made me feel worse so when it came for my next chemo and shot I told them no and for me it didnt make me as sick that time. I took the steroids the day before chemo (I dont know how often you have to take them) I took 2 day before and 2 day of and 2 day after chemo that was how mine was prescribed. they didnt seem to bother me too much except i didnt want to eat at all with them. I wish there was something that I could say or do to help but people understand when you are going through something like this that you tend to become the Incredible Hulk and really it is only the medication doing that to you. I think your Dr needs to learn some beside manners. Hope you start feeling better soon. We all are praying for you.
Take care,
Wilma

Wendy said...

Cora, I pray you are feeling better today. Isn't it great how our God is so wonderful to us even when we don't deserve it? I know God knows your heart and that is what He's looking at not the slip ups you are making because of the meds. Keep your eyes on Him and don't look back!! And give Buster extra hugs, he knows what is going on, he loves you unconditionally!! Take care my friend!~Wendy

Debra said...

Dear Cora,
If we never ever flubbed up, we'd never know the depths of His love and forgiveness. Not that we want to be acting rotten, but it's good to have Him just hug our hearts and help us get up and keep going. I can think of many times my 'hulk' self came out, and I felt like He'd never want me again. But He did. He's even showing you a little of His nature in your doggie. Forgives before you ask, loves you any way...
Wish we could make your pain go away.
I love you and you are right in my prayers.
Debra

Oma aka Meme said...

I am thinking that you are a lovely lady that has too much on her plate and yes, i remember taking hubby for chemo and knowing he would be sick that night and the next 5 days and he could barely walk or talk to begin with and yes, there were all these chemo patients buzzing around like bees looking as if they were healthy and just sneaking in there for the fun of it--but alas, they too were sufferiing but perhaps in a different way- they always seemed to be alone where as papa had me and his brother to support him- so some how I was able to get over their blessing-
that chemo sure does mess with the feelings emotionally as well as the physical- soon, my friend, you will be a walking talking buzzing - bee--LOL

Claudia said...

I've had so many days like that one. I really do understand and I feel it all. Just last weekend I tore into my husband for every little thing. And he just came back at me with love. I felt that my doctor wasn't listening to me and my pain. The nurses doing my treatments were loving and supportive but nobody could seem to hear me.

Battling cancer is difficult and ugly and filled with all things non-palatable. And yet we have to endure, don't we? You have my prayers and my deepest appreciation. I do appreciate you as a human being fighting the good fight.

Hang in there and God bless you in the good and especially in the bad times. *hugs*

The Shabby Secret Garden said...

Hey Cora,
Just droppin in to say hello and to say love ya bunches. I know so many people are praying like crazy for you!!
On any Hulk-days, just know that it's okay... people love ya and understand!!! We rally around you, and lift you... so feel free to lean, vent, blow.. whatever you gotta do! On those days, when you feel like you can't even pray.. it's okay coz we're doing it for you.
Love n holykisses,
Lea

naomisnotions said...

Oh, Cora. I feel awful for you! I know I haven't been around too much...please know that I'm still praying for you!

Naomi

Katy said...

oh Cora...
I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wish I had something encouraging to say that could help...but I am sure you have heard all the "encouraging" words you can hear without having them all repeated again and again.
So....instead I will tell you that I am praying for you...and I wondered if you are keeping a journal (other than your blog) of how you have been feeling throughout all this? Or maybe even print out your blog....you may be the vessel God uses someday for someone else who goes through all this! xoxoxoxoxoxo

Auntie eM said...

When I read your post I felt such sorrow in my heart; I may have suffering in the way of pain each day, but I cannot relate to the wrenching nightmare of chemo. I will lift you UP to Jesus, and ask Him to bring you to mind. The lowest of places have the most glorious graces! May you find peace and rest. Much Love in Him.
Auntie em
from The Salt Box

Charity said...

Gosh...wish I had something brilliantly comforting to say. besides "sorry this stinks so bad." :( :( Praying for you, sweetie.

Charity